Windy again

My mom tells me I shouldn't curse. I normally don't, but I tell her sometimes you have to. So here it is: Today was mother fucking windy again. It would be that phrase but in Chinese. Oddly enough the slang for this word i use for general cursing actually means "mother's." So it's weird. She says I'm not educated. And that's why my mom is cool.

Please note that this does not give you permission to curse at my mom. I believe I earned the right to do so after living inside her stomach area Star Wars style only to be shot out of her 9 months later Star Trek style.

writing

Writing is just a fancy way of talking to yourself.

Cocaine

I wrote a bunch a crap, but I deleted it because it was boring.

Here's some pictures. It still might be boring.

First picture is chipped paint. Something a brand new guitar should not have.









Second picture is the chipped guitar right before I sent it back to wherever it came from.









Between the second and third picture I placed a whole lot of phone calls to people. I kept hearing this bubbling sound and people screaming for Doritos. Don't worry, that's totally slanderous.

Third picture is the new guitar with a new pickguard. I want people to think it's cocaine... so lots of white. While I'm playing I want people to try and snort my guitar. I just want the opportunity to say, "Woah! Get away from my crotch! I'll sprinkle cocaine on it later." I don't normally get to announce that.

Groovie Goolies

You! Yeah You! do everything in your power to catch an episode of the Groovie Goolies. I don't care which one... any one will work. It's seriously one of the greatest cartoons ever made. Not up to Simpsons caliber... but as far as 70's cartoons this is pretty high up there. You get a couple songs, some really awful/great jokes that are entirely based on puns... AND you get monsters. Personally I would've but the Wolfman on drums, Frankenstien's monster on bass... and Dracula on vocals and guitar... but whatever... Watch this shit if you have any sense in you.

Naps

That nap I took really f'd things up. That's all.

Graphs

95% of the time, there's somebody shitting in the bathroom when I go
in to pee at work. It's really weird. I kind of want to plot this.
Collect some data. Make a graph. You know, figure out the shitting
patterns of the 12th floor. PhD number two here I come!

I went into the musical instrument store today. There were some
Chinese people that wouldn't stop saying watermelon in Chinese. The
girl said one of the amps looked like watermelon skin. I wanted to
tell them to stop saying watermelon.. but the bald guy was groaning so
that was pretty awesome. Tube amps are heavy.

Another old guy moved in across the street. Maybe upstairs old guy
will move in with him.

Count Chocula

Alex is a drummer.

"I'll listen to Alex beat away at anything... and that includes women. Not that he would ever do that, but if he did I would totally listen. And that makes me sound like some sort of sex pervert."

Everybody likes Lucky Charms right? Count Chocula is like Lucky Charms, but better. About an hour ago I started craving some Count Chocula. Now if you've somehow been Count Chocula deprived here's what you're missing out on:

1. The oatish grainy cereal is replaced by the same thing... but it's not infused with chocolate.
2. The marshmallows are supposed to be things... I really can't think right now...

Um... here. I'll show you why I can't think. Plus you can treat yourself to going blind for a few seconds at the same time:

http://www.astrocat.space-madness.net/Art/Traditional/Count_Chocula_in_repose.png

Sure isn't the way I repose.

I am no longer craving Count Chocula.

Boxes: Bonus

Not really a bonus if you're reading this first..

But today the new IT guy came by to install some stuff on my work computer.  He had his personal phone with him and a work phone so people can reach him wherever he is at work.  I said... "Woah! Two phones?"  then he explained the whole thing about work and personal phones and added... "They don't let me play on the work phone." and he went back to farming zombies.  He also added:  "My dad had three phones and a pager."  To which I asked.... "Was he a drug dealer?"

Probably not the best thing to ask...

Boxes

I have this weird thing with boxes.. If they're large enough, I tend to crawl into them.  Just any box that I think I can fit inside somehow I think I'll find my way into them.  I remember once, my parents got a new tv... so I crawled into it.  Then, my brother closed up the top and held it shut.  I freaked out and punched and clawed my way out because it brought out the claustrophobic freak inside me.

So.  I have this box.  I think I can fit in it, but i'll look like some sort of mermaid, but with a box instead of a fish ass.  Girls like box mermaids right? 

Fortune Cookies

Read this:

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/02/25/sport/jeremy-lin-ice-cream/index.html

Here's what I think happened... they made the stuff with fortune cookies... but realized it tasted like shit.  So they cooked up ("churned up" if you want) this story about us chinks being offended.  Who the hell gets offended by a fortune cookie?  The way I see it is... the dude is asian... so stick some sweet asian stuff in there... the sweetest thing us chinks have is the fortune cookie or the orange.. so what the hell, throw some fortune cookies in there.  I mean... one of our desserts is red beans.. that's the last thing I want to see in ice cream... beans.  Unless they're jelly beans... Next Mexican person that gets famous Ben & Jerry's needs to throw some jelly beans in there... just to start this process all over again.

I decided to write ol' Mr. Ben and Jerry:

Dear maker's of frozen water cream,

I'm don't normally eat ice cream, but I feel like I need to go out and pick up a pint of your decadent deliciousness.

All the heat you got from the whole fortune cookie, "Taste the Lin-sanity" just wasn't cool - and we all know ice cream needs to be cool and should avoid large amounts of heat.  As a Chinese-America, Asian, Chinese person, or whatever you feel like calling me, I found it more offensive that you had to apologize for having a bit of fun.  I want to emphasize that last word... FUN!  Because you're an ice cream company and your job is to churn out the most fun filled frozen treat in the Milky Way Galaxy (emphasis on the milk there). 

Anyway, keep up the good work and please forward this to the people in charge of coming up with your flavors.  It wasn't offensive and I hope this doesn't set you back in any way.

Love,

Nelson



Here's a fortune cookie I want to see:

"Your ass looks like Texas, it's full of BBQ, cheesecake, and the shitty american food you just ate"


I just realized I left the 'n' off of American... it's like foreshadowing.  You know. Literary techniques and such.  Chinese-America... don't be stupid, work hard, and don't let those freaks take over.

Hikes

People like to go on hikes.  People only take hikes where there's a bunch of nature around.  This is why my urban hiking business never took off.  People don't realize the joys of urban hikes.  There are tons more animals to see.  You don't need to worry about pinecones falling on your head.  And sometimes, you need to use your safety kit if approached by a wild automobile or attacked by a hungry homeless person. 

Yesterday I took a short 1 mile urban hike to get a great view of the local Target.  There was a lovely shelf with fresh Corn Nuts and a freezer lake/waterfall full of beer.  I decided not to take a swim in it because I was afraid of freezer leaches getting on my junk.  I also don't know how to swim.  Especially in a freezer.  With bottles of beer.  I saw a crow eating a sandwich somebody had dropped on the floor.  It was such an amazing site.  Urban nature at it's finest really.  On my way back I smelled the local flower children (they smelled like shit) and picked one to home with me.  I thought it would remind me of how wonderful my urban hike was, but because I didn't water it and I left it out in the sun a lot it died after a week and a lot of complaining.  It's not my fault it didn't know how to photosynthesize...

The quality sure has taken a drop here... Urban hikes!?  I need to get off of what I'm on and get back on the stuff I was on... which was nothing in both cases.

Hey... To anybody that gets sick to the stomach at the thought of turning wastewater into drinking water.. Fuck you.  I'm sure I've said this before, but seriously.  Fuck you.  Basically all the water we drink has been piss at some point.  Stop acting like you're going to turn on the tap and chunks of shit are going to start spewing out.  What people really want is Coca Cola to be running out of their tap so we can all grow our asses out.  At that point, we'll do away with cars and hop and bounce on our butts to get around or we'll just be too fat to get around and die.  Somebody should life cycle assess that.  "A Comparative Life Cycle Analysis of Automobiles and Fat Asses: Effects on Climate Change."   PhD here I come!