²

Something about being square and making negatives into positives. But I don't think anybody would get it.

Whoever sent me the lyrics to the in-between part of Audacity's 'Twilight Zone,' Thanks. Now I just need the rest of it and maybe some other lyrics to others songs... and I'll be, perhaps, wayyyyyy too happy. So maybe... don't do that. I'm at a good level of happiness right now anyways.

Here's a short list of things you don't want to receive for Christmas:

1. Christmas wrapping paper
2. Smelly fish
3. Mannequin torsos
4. Donald Trump
5. A lawnmower for your house boat... or boat house. Those boats that you live in.

christ-men

Theraflu is knockout juice. Don't raise your fists and tell me, "That ain't knockout juice, this is!" I swear I had motion trails when I woke up in the middle of the night. Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate. Oh. And I've gotten sick 3 times since this whole swine flu thing came about... 2 of the 3 times it has escalated into something awful rather than remaining in the decent parts of being sick. I probably should've ended with the Merry Christmas here... how the heck does X mean Christ anyways? X-Men... Christ-Men, with Professor Christ. That's so awful. Awwwwful. Well. Merry Christmas. No x's.... but plenty of o's. or the other way around. It's the other way around.

A story with another story.

"I grow weary of having toes," said the explorer as he placed his bare feet into the snow waiting for frostbite to set in.



I'm asking myself if I should go out wearing a mask, looking like I'm going to rob a bank or do I go mask-less and run the risk of infecting people with this strangely weak illness that only gives you a terrible sore throat?

Infection it is. I can still rob a bank anyway. "Give me allllllllll your money or I'll sneeze in your face! Wait... hold on. Ah... Ah..... Aahh.... oh.. no. Nevermind. I'll be back later when I really need to sneeze. Please don't call the police. I'm actually a very important person who works for the city or something. So if you call them you'll get fired and... Wait here we go. Hand it over! Achooo!" Unfortunately it won't work out so well. Since I've grown accustomed to covering my mouth when sneezing. Manners. Scientist should come up with some sort of manners gas that criminals breathe in and become extremely polite. "Oh dear me. It would appear that I have my pistol pointed at you. Terribly sorry for that, chap." I'm much better at typing an English accent than I am speaking it.




"Perhaps one day I'll come to realize that I truly miss them," and with that, his toes have gone off to wait for him in his next life.

Inglorious Basterds

Gaaah... what the hell. Quentin Tarantino went all cinematography nerd or something on us here. I was expecting a whole lot more nazi killing and less super close up shots of random stuff. That's pretty much what you get. The story is decent enough. There's a lot of talking and stuff which I found boring at times, but it fits. Brad Pitt is good and it's nice to see Ryan the temp / hottest in the office or B.J. Novak doing some scalping of his own. But really. You get maybe 5 scalpings max... when it really should've been at least 600. I thought maybe he'd have a little counter or something. That would've been funny. or not. if you're a nazi it's not funny at all. So of the 2.5 hours you get maybe 30 minutes of nazi killing. But don't get me wrong. The nazi killing is grrrreat. So, due to a lack of nazi killing I'm going to give this a 40/64. You can do the math yourself. Or grab a box of crayons... the 64 color one and take out 24 crayons. That'll give you a visual interpretation of how short this movie fell from being perfect. Oh. If you're some movie genius and you disagree with this........ shut up. I just feel let down by the lack of a nazi massacre that spans 2 hours.

The short story: Not nearly enough nazi killing. Far too much nazi (something that rhymes with killing and means talking)... uh... space filling. 40/64 crayons





I go a few months without this awful chest pain deal and now it comes back. Seriously. It's some ass bag with a voodoo doll. I just know it. Or it may very well be the fact that when i sit and play the guitar at a weird angle, the guitar digs itself into my chest. One of my ribs is probably dislodged or something or stabbing my heart. I don't know. It doesn't feel good.

coconut

I've never put a lime in a coconut and drank them both up. Next time I have a coconut (possibly from my brother) in hand though, I'll do just that. If it really does give me a bellyache then that'll be awesome because I'll be able to call a doctor and tell him that I put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up. But the strangest thing is that he'll tell me the same exact thing. To put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up. So the cure for the bellyache from the lime and the coconut is a lime and a coconut... or the problem for the cure is the problem cure for the cure problem cure cure problem cure. Delicious.


Oh. and if this somehow has some metaphorical poetic stuff going on then, I'll have none of that. I'm talking about a coconut and a lime. or a lime and a coconut. Why the hell is that stupid combination so repeatable. Nilsson!

movie star

Well this just tears it. It absolutely tears it. Somebody told me today that I looked like a Chinese movie star. They then added he's not popular. Thank God and any other mystical powers and strange physics which control the universe for that added remark. The last thing I want to be is a Chinese movie star. Why? They suck. Chinese movies suck. They used to be good... you know, when England owned Hong Kong. But now... they suck. Really. I'm Chinese I'm the first to know when something sucks about my people and culture. Oh. right. And if I look like a Chinese movie star they must all look like ass.

And also from the two hour walk from yesterday: A university called, "California University of Management and Science." I just went to their website and they call themselves "CalUMS." They could've just switched Science and Management around... buuuuut... I'm not the person in charge. There was also a sign next to the CalUMS building for a "Pain Control" center. After I saw that sign I spent the next 10 minutes thinking about what actually goes on in there. Like some guy who knows how to control his pain or something. "Ok watch me control my pain, I'm going to make my right arm hurt. Now my left arm. Now the meaty area behind my knee. See? now you try... great! That'll be $600." Or it could be worse. Rather than actually healing the person you just teach them how to live with it and "control" it probably the same way you control your anger. Pet the cat. Easy there angry bear. King of the Hill will be missed.

oil change.

Today I let some people drain my car of it's precious motor oil so it can be replaced with new fresh motor oil. My car is sad to see the old oil go, but also happy to be all lubricated and stuff. The guy opened up the tank and started draining everything out and my car just started crying. Really strange noises too. Like, "rRrRRRRwah......." My car is weird.

For whatever reason, the dealership takes 2 hours to change my oil. That means I walked around for 2 hours. People these days don't really go out for a good walk. Really. If places weren't so far apart from each other I'd walk everywhere. It was all pretty good. Except the part where I thought the bus bench jumped out at me. Seriously the thing moved at least 3 inches towards me, but I was the only one around it. I'm beginning to think that my mind is playing tricks on me, but I'm still not certain if me thinking this way is another one of my mind's tricks. What a terrible place to be. Luckily I have room in my heart for things. That's a stupid place too. The constant beating and... well it's mostly beating. Just deal with it if you're in there. I keep a relatively even beat anyway. Use it as a metronome.

guitar strings

So I got a new set of guitar strings. The place I got them from was weird. They had a deal where you get 2 sets of guitar strings for the price of 1. Sounds like a good deal right? When I got there, the strings were each priced at $11-something, which is two times the amount strings are normally priced at. I thought it was just mislabeled. So I was like, "Yeah can I get a set of those strings?" and the guy was like, "Sure, it'll be $6... blah blah blah." He really did say that... not really. At this point, I thought I'd be clever and mention the deal they had going. "Oh, can I get two sets for the price of 1?" and he was like, "Yeah, two sets for $11." So in my head I'm thinking, "What the shit?" So technically... I'm getting 2 sets for the price of 1, but only because 1 set is priced at two times the amount. Oh rock star math... glad they don't teach that in public schools. I don't know what the hell goes on in private schools. And I don't want to know. But really... I can't decide whether this is the stupidest pricing schemes or one of the most brilliant. It feels like you're saving money, but you're actually just paying the same amount. So... if I didn't need to be somewhere else I probably would've stood in the store staring at the guy for the next 20 minutes going, "Uhh....... does not compute. Error. Error." If I could do a 60's robot voice I would. But what the hell. The guy obviously knows what he's doing because I got the strings.

The package says, "Element Shield Packaging means longest life Factory Fresh all the time." So I took them up on that. As soon as I opened the "Element Shield" I stuck my nose right next to the opening and gave it a sniff... it smelled awful. It was like that new car smell... but not for a car. Probably like if you get a plastic ass or something it smells like that. New ass smell. Good to know though. Also Spinal tap uses Ernie Ball strings... so use Ernie Ball strings. They should just throw my name in there too. It's a really long list. I'm sure nobody even reads everything. Just put something random in there. I used to do that in my English class because I knew the teacher didn't read our journals. I'd write terrible things. He'd have a topic on the board like, "What do you think about the speed limit on the freeways?" and I'd start of with something about freeways and speed and then I'd get into how stupid writing about it was. It's tough to fill a page.


But really. If you're not not using Ernie Balls you're stupid. I'm glad I didn't write that as Ernie's Balls. My guitars are so accustomed to Ernie Ball Strings that they start vomiting if I put on another brand. They continue to vomit several days after the strings have been replaced because all the other shitty strings leave such a terrible taste and feeling on them. Ernie Ball should hire me to advertise their stuff.... and other companies should also not kill me because I called their strings "shitty." I'll say anybody's shitty if they give me the money. How awesome would it be to get paid to say 'shit' all day?












After saying 'shit' about 4000 times in an hour I feel extremely guilty and would like to resign as the guy that gets paid to say 'shit.'

still.

Still working to get the sounds in my head to come out through my guitar.
Still working to get the words in my head to come out of my mouth.

tire

I need to do a few more listens to make sure what I'm listening to is like... the stuff I'm listening too.


My head is absolutely spinning... so Maybe. maybe. MAYbe. tomorrow. It has nothing to do with the month of May. It's December dummy..

I tire.





Similar to a wheel.. but not like it.