Cabin Fever

WEll.thi s this is boring. Well this is boring. That's better.

The only thing that's been on my mind is going home. So I haven't done any sort of work. And I mean like... nothing. I'm inducing cabin fever, but there's nobody to kill so it isn't as fun as it sounds. No Indian burial grounds, no axe collections, no freak kids to beat up with a baseball bat, nothing... just boring old cabin fever.

It's probably nothing.

Giant Scissors

Hello. I would like to know where one may acquire a pair of the giant scissors millionaire types are always using to cut random giant ribbons that may be impeding construction of their mansion type structures of sorts. I ask, because I have a fairly large bear outside of my window that I think only an extremely large pair of scissors will scare off...

Really though, if I get that rich, I'm cutting my ribbons with a giant gun.... a laser if technology permits. Watch me cut this shit everybody! Speed of light... you're too slow. Ribbon cut. Tear down this school so I can build a petting zoo full of rocks you fuckers. All those pet rocks are now MY pet rocks.

Nap

I just woke up from a nap. The only thing I remember from my dream is I was playing basketball and somebody was driving towards the basket. So, I did the next best thing... As he went up, I bit the shit out of his fingers. I got away with it because it was like... I don't know why I got away with it. Sort of like it was a video game, so I could do that kind of stuff. Anyway. Basket averted. Human flesh tastes like Skittles.

De-fense!

What's that supposed to mean?

The world cannot construct a middle finger large enough to equal what I'm about to do.



I'm going to print my homework.

Dear stupid New York mutant person,

Thank you for reading this.

Thanks.

So I don't really remember writing much here, but it's Thanks-fucking-giving fuckers. Thank you all for being such fuckers. Like the landlord leaving a dirty oven for me to stick my turkey in. Yeah? Thankful bastard is probably laughing right now. And I'll laugh along with him, but the shit was just caked in burnt cheese or marshmallows or something. So fuck that. Fuck. That. But I'm thankful.

I'm also thankful for loud sounds. I've been sticking around on campus late to do ass homework.. and they have these signs set up. What I've been doing it knocking them down just to hear that wonderful clack when the wood hits the concrete. So thanks for that. Also thank you or somebody or something that I'm not so crazy with my ideas. The idea I had was using sound to sonically rupture microorganisms in water. It's totally feasible, but not practical since we already have some shit that does that to shit. So A+ for me there. I'm still going to get something to hit resonance and explode. That's my goal. I'm thankful for goals. Thank the fucking thank too. It's great.

Uh... I'm thankful for the fact that I can't hold a guitar pick. And when I strum this shit it goes flying off somewhere.

I'm thankful for friends... which I didn't go home to see because stuff needs to get done up here. And I'll have christmas to do that. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrright? I don't think they want to hear me tell them, "Thanks for being a good friend and a shithead and the same time because that's what you are. You know that you're a shithead right? No? Oh. Well you are, because you know me, but thanks."

You all know I'm thankful for so much shit though.. I'm even thankful for shit because it's so damn fascinating. So enjoy your thanksgiving.. the turkey is thankful but you need to be even more thankful for it or else you throw the balance of things wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy off. So have a happy thanksgiving... and if you're foreign just have a nice day... but bite a turkey in the ass.


So thank you for reading you dick bag. And thank me for writing because I'm such a shit pile. I'm gonna go clean out that shitty oven and get my turkey in there.... Something smells like it's on fire.

Thanks....... asshole.

Love you.

forganzidge

So.

Here's

What's going

on.



Shit is weird.

Now as much as I like to make my brain just freak out and go weird, this is just too weird. Dreams aren't dreams anymore.. They're just ass problems that I haven't solved. So my brain does the next best thing. It tries to solve my problems in my dreams. Huh? I'm going to sleep or at least closing my eyes for a lot of hours. I can totally type with my eyes cloesd. Hey! Sleep writing yeah? It's totally great. What's a forganzidje?

Apple

I've been having staring contests with this apple outside my window. I usually win, but I can't really tell. Just zero features on that thing. A round green freak that's going to attract fruit flies when it falls on the ground and turns brown and mushy. I mean, if it had eyes, I'd still win. If it had ears it would hear some good stuff and maybe it'll want to cling onto the tree that much longer rather than trying to sex up the ground to make a tree. I remember I picked an apple from that tree, my landlord tends to come back just to do that. I bit into it and it was the worst apple I've ever had. Sure, it had all the textures and features an apple would have, but it was lacking in the apple flavor department. Tomorrow I'm going to arm wrestle with the bamboo tree outside. I, of course, will win. Of course, if the bamboo tree did have arms I'd be dead right now. Well, if I'm within its reach.

Palm trees are assholes too.

Light and Insects

I turn on the light and the space between my window and the broken screen turns into party central. I got 2 flies all sorts of little fruit flies and a bunch of other little shits that are really attracted to light at night. I'm sure one day they'll find a way inside either because I get stupid and decide to open the window (it's freakin' hot in here) or they just decide to get clever. It's totally cool, but you know... I don't really like to look at my window seeing insects freaking out because they see a light.




It's really funny how they're attracted to it though.

Dog poop

The right chord will throw you off the top of a building and catch you at the bottom... sometimes it'll just let you drop, but when you do the concrete is the softest thing you've ever felt. What does this all mean? I shouldn't drink Red Bull.

The dog outside isn't enjoying Radiohead at all... or somebody stepped in its shit and its making a scene about it. Dogs poop everywhere in Davis. So as you're walking it'll just smell like shit.

Toilet

My closest friend in this house is the toilet... or the calculator. I can't decide.

Blinds

About an hour ago I had nothing to write about... Just boring stuff. I'm in Davis. Everything's weird. I miss everybody like a girl, but not really. You know that sort of thing.

But now I have something really facinating to talk about. My blinds. My blinds are now on the floor. After attempting to rotate the "venetian" blinds I noticed that only the left side was rotating. So... I started pulling on strings and stuff... then I noticed that the strings on the left side of the blinds were snapped. Fun! So upon tracing said snapped string, I found the other end. Taking the snapped end between my fingers somehow caused the left side of the blinds to collapse like somebody shot it full of Novocain and it just went numb and droopy. So....... having a sort of less than normal set of blinds going on, I pulled it down. My blinds are now on the floor and aren't really doing much blinding. In fact, the moths outside totally want to get at my light. I know I know... it's a really awesome light source, but you know. There's a window. I just realized the big moth brought along a bunch of baby moths. The sadistic side of me wishes I had a laser to just shoot the hell out of them and say some awful line like, "There's light for you," or "Bright enough for you?" It has to end in "you" or it doesn't work. It's stupid. Now when I look out the window I see a reflection of myself. That means I can't strut around nude or I'll gross myself out by looking in the now reflective window... blinds are equal parts protection from yourself and others.

Just Us - I Can't Grow Peaches on a Cherry Tree

Bleh. I feel all weird.

I once had a tuna sandwich that made itself. This big fat assed tuna just jumped out of the ocean, possibly exercising to lose that fat ass, and slipped between to slices of bread. The bottom slice was ruined due to the fat ass, and the top was also ruined since it touched the slimey grossness of the fat sea assed tuna. Tuna assed sea fat... Fat assed sea tuna. Your choice there. Next time the tuna needs to throw itself on a knife and slice off the good parts you can eat raw, then toss itself on the fire to take care of the rest...

I see people in parks trying to get this to happen with birds. They make the mistake of ripping up the bread though.. What kind of sandwich is that? Next time I'm just going to leave a jar of honey between two slices of bread and end up with a bear sandwich. There's a sandwich you'll need to eat with a forklift, boxing gloves, a gun, bear cubs to threaten with the gun, and mayonnaise... trust me it's worth it.


So I was going to tell you about a 7" you should listen to. But you probably want a sandwich right now... at least I do. But forget it. Just totally forget it. Instead you're going to have to listen to the slow softness of Just Us. It's Chip Taylor and somebody else that I don't feel like looking up right now... his last name starts with a G and ends with an I... I think. Here's something I do remember, this Chip Taylor guy wrote "Wild Thing" and... another song that I also don't feel like looking up. And somebody here is related to Angelina Jolie too. Yeah? Yeah???? YEAH!

Just type in 'Just Us' into Google and toss in 'I Can't Grow Peaches on a Cherry Tree.' Whatever the first link is should be a good place to start... it should be some Canadian guy that has a bunch of really neat stuff. The information is better and so is the writing, there's just a lack of sandwich talk. Ha! Remember that talking sandwich that told you about orange juice?

Now this... I looked up.

Compare these two videos both labeled 'Weird.'



Exhibit A provides us with a stupid girl that thinks her stuffed bear drank the orange juice when it was actually her stuffed brother that they brought back to life. Stupid... not quite weird though.



Exhibit B gives us...... I don't even need to say.


I'm going to make a sandwich now and bite its face off.


And I feel less lazy now so here's a link:

http://www.raremp3.co.uk/2010/06/just-us-i-cant-grow-peaches-on-cherry.html

Metal Music Machine

Ok. So everybody has to do it at some point. Listen to Lou Reed's Metal Music Machine. Seriously, I feel like I'm going to vomit. Really really really felt like vomiting there, I had to pull of the headphones and everything. Now is this because the music is bad or do I have some sort of ear induced vomit condition? I would say... a combination of both. Now, there's feedback... and then there's this shit that he threw together while high. It's one of those, "It was a good idea at the time" things. Even if you're high though, how can you enjoy this? Christ! I'm only halfway through it too. I was thinking it sounded sort of like R2D2 was getting chopped up... but I don't know. It's getting all squeaky. Oh.. eff this... fuck it. He found the tremolo switch. Lou. Lou! What the hell? Fuck it. Fu-ck this.

F

U

C

K

Fuck this shit. Drugs are fine, but if you're doing stuff like this when you're high then fuck it. Go get your prostate checked or something. Just don't do this. 3 more seconds... and it's fading out.

I'm not even going to bother with it again... and there's 4 sides to this thing? I just listened to a 9 minute clip on youtube and I thought that was too much.

I'm just going to vomit now. I don't even care where it goes. I'm going to vomit.

!!!!!!

Oh Shit! (A) Reader(s)...

Somebody get the monkey that types Shakespeare or else they'll think we're stupid.



I bite the shit out of my thumb at you and this delicious banana, don't even think about quarreling with me you ass face sir... human. Time to throw my shit at Capulets and scream and wave my bollocks around at the Motagues. Then I can chat up that Juliet bird and see if she fancies some monkey knob action. Cheers!

Sept 6

I was going to review Thriller, you know that album that outsold all those audio books of the bible, but something else turned up. It would appear that Septermber 6, 2010 would be my last day in the warmth of the Southern California Sun. It's definitely different than that awful Northern California Sun, totally blue and stuff. So, not leaving forever, but for more time than I've ever spent outside of a place where you don't need to hug the trees because they hug you... and then they threaten you with guns and take your money. I'll miss that the most... until I come back. I'll come back with poison.

Mazzy Star = // (I can't find the delete key in the dark() She Hangs Brightly

I'm pretty sure that funny bone nerve of mine is really out of place. My elbow feels all weird. So I can't lean on my left elbow because it feels like a bone is totally sticking out more than it should be. Now use your imagination and somehow all this elbow talk has something to do with Mazzy Star. The album is She Hangs Brightly... and it makes your funny bone act up.

So you get a good taste of things to come on the first track. The whole album could just be that first track played over and over and over again... which is probably why it's one of those single things and that first track will now be referred to as "Halah," the track name. An ok name for a track, maybe a weird name for a kid, at least in some parts of China. Hope Sandoval has this pretty voice, and I'm a sucker for prettiness. Everybody should be, really.

After that, it sort of goes bluesy folk something stuff or other-ish-ic-stic. Which isn't a bad route to go down, but for me the slowwwwwwer the song is on this album the better. I've been thinking about taking the slower songs and slowing them down even more, but I'd probably get to a point where Hope Sandoval sounds like a frog and all the instruments sound like a whale fart. So nevermind. I won't do it.

So the whole album is just a pretty voice, with some slidey drowny guitar. Not much more you could really ask for, unless you're greedy... I should really get this elbow thing checked out. At least listen to "Halah." I feel like I did this before.

Mandy + Jason - For a Time

I remember when I first heard this, it was somewhere around midnight and I was getting my fingerprints and DNA (skin cells and hair only) all over a bunch of cassettes. After it was over, I knew I had to listen to it again, but being the procrastinator that I am I waited until next week to do so... but it's ok, because I listened to it for an entire day and it was great. I totally listened to it for an entire day and totally got the most wonderful feeling while listening when a guy with a bubble gun let loose and hundreds of bubbles floated across the street while I was stopped at a red light. A few lights later, with Mandy + Jason still playing, I saw the car in front of me hand a person crossing the street something. The person then tried to open the back door of the car, but it was locked so she stood on the corner waiting for the guy to turn into the plaza... I can only assume that it was money and the person in the car just picked up a hooker or their grandmother. It was magical.

So it's just total summer timey music. It does stuff. Magic! Remember those first few episodes of GI Joe (Yeah! I do), Destro is building a "Weather Dominator" to control the weather, thus leading to Cobra taking over the world. It was a pretty complicated system too, lots of bells, plenty of whistles, and a bunch of other stuff so they could fill the plot by playing hockey with it. Really though, take this tape anywhere. Instant Summer. You don't need a Weather Dominator. If you're an Eskimo... Inuit, don't even think about playing this in your igloo. Total meltdown for your igloo, I guarantee it and I don't guarantee much. After your igloo goes, then you'll totally melt too. That goes for everybody, you'll melt. Like you were chocolate people or something, you'll just melt. Like you were sitting out in the sun for too long. I don't care if you don't tan, you'll turn to chocolate and just melt while you're listening. The ants will be happy, but fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.....n. It'll be totally great.

Does it lose points for being short? No, forget about that crap. It's sweet... like chocolate. If this is their plan to turn the world to chocolate then what the hell, let it happen. It's just mellow summer time goodness from those terrible folks at Burger Records... Terrrrribly wonderful!


"Wow. Chocolate. Half Off!"

Dutchess and the Duke (c-ass-ette)

"Gimme yer assredd....... Address... Grmmbmbmmmbmmmgg....."

I got some tapes today. I'm still trying to figure out who put them out. I really can't read it... it's written in elvish or Klingon or one of those nerd languages, probably English. It's a bunch of weird lines.... something Records. I can read the records part. Apparently it says GGNZLA Records. I thought it said 997 Z LA Records... but what the hell, GGNZLA. GGNZLA all day.

So I got three tapes, only one of which I was interested in, The Dutchess and the Duke's. Everybody can groove on this super moody stuff. It's moody as hell. I mean, my Mom gave it an 8/10, it lost points because she said it made her feel sleepy and she wanted to hear something more lively and upbeat. So I put something more lively and upbeat on and she gave it a 7/10 because it was too noisy. She also thought the guy that was singing was a girl. My Mom likes the tape.

My only complaint is that the tapes are individually numbered, but the number doesn't match up with the hand numbering on the artwork. Bummer. More because I'm confused. Maybe these are tomorrow's lottery numbers. Who knows. I got nothing now.

Good night.

Contrast

I got a laptop. I got a headache because the whites on there are really intense. So I don't know. If I'm dying and I see that super bright light I might not go towards it. I might throw up and say turn it off or something. Where's the dimmer switch. This other place is hot, but it sure doesn't hurt my eyes. Maybe I need some sunglasses. High contrast used to be so cool until it made me super dizzy.

Automatic

So I got the Jesus and Mary Chain's Automatic in the mail today. I popped it on and it was skippy as hell. So "Here comes Alice" was ruined. I just kept thinking, because it's mainly that track that has really awful skips... did this guy carry the record around between his ass cheeks or something. Well, after a good clean I think it's all right. I think I need a new needle too. But I don't know what I'm talking about. This rubbing alcohol smells. I turned the tone wayyyy up and it's trebley as hell. This album is just full of hell.

4th

It's the 4th of July and all, America is rather happy. Hot dogs and stuff aren't too happy... I think there's something about acid that makes hot dogs talk to people. So don't do acid... especially today, things will get really noisy with all the explosions and large groups of talking hot dogs... and if you're just absolutely losing it, they'll gang up on you and throw you on the grill.

Here's a line, "That was the best dog ever." Something somebody said of a hot dog being cooked on a proper grill and not a George Foreman grill... It's a fine grill George, if you're reading this, now don't beat me up and send me a couple of fantastic (free) grills. But the thing about that line... an Asian said it. So, we need to make it a rule that whenever referring to hot dogs, we Asians call them hot dogs and not dogs... you'll just confuse people. Or whatever, just call them weiners.

It goes squared, cubed... and then what?

Reverse Psychology

There was a button that said, "Don't click here" I clicked it... and was disappointed. So eff reverse psychology and it's Jedi tricks.

Swiss Cheese

I don't know what happened last week. This week will be better aye? AYE!? I... don't know what that means. But my brain is like... in my head straight. Frontal lobe is... uh... frontwise. or backwise... whatever direction it should be pointing, it's pointing in that direction. And! I'll get my revenge on... something. Like... cheese. Ever wonder why Swiss cheese has all those holes? Meeeeeeeee!!!!! Bang bang bang!


... why does Swiss cheese have all those holes?

spciks. spicks. and specks.!!

So. The world "ain't" so bad. Or it is... it really is. It's full of shit. The world needs shit. People need shit. could you imagine yourself if you didn't shit? Toilets and more importantly toilet seats would be obselete... obsolte. wait. obsolete. there. Or actually maybe they'd still be around for the other end of things. Ok. Carry on.

So Spicks and [fuckin'] Specks. This isn't about a girl. but that song is. and it's pretty awesome.

Gretsch!

Everything is making me smile right now. I don't know why italics is on... but what the hell. But I don't know how long I can put up with these slanted letters. Sort of makes you think they're up to something... leaning off center in a direction that varies relative to your frames of reference. So forget it. We're done. Done.

I got a Gretsch today. It's ridiculously beautiful. It plays really well it's just ridiculous. I've been playing total shit before I got this... . So what have I been missing? I remembered that I didn't eat that candy I bought from some kids that were doing a fundraiser... I'll eat it tomorrow. But this Gretsch. No words. No words at all... other than 'No words.'

The Lakers won another championship today. They were assing around and dragging a sack full of ass while I was listening to a speaker talk about industrial waste. Then they decided to do better when me and some friends went down to watch the game. Thanks Lakers. Sorry Boston... you scared the shit out of everybody though. And we can get into some Lao Tzu stuff... but whatever. Let's do it again next year. Is what people should be saying. Instead they're trashing up LA. Uh... you can figure this one out.

Oh. The Gretsch is so lovely. I can totally get into some Lao Tzu stuff with this now.


Thirty spokes joined at one hub;
emptiness makes the cart useful.
Clay cast into a pot;
the emptiness inside makes it useful.
Doors and windows cut to make a room;
emptiness make the room useful.
Thus being is beneficial
but usefulness comes from the void.

Right? It's a hollowbody.

$1 + $1 + $1

Why did I buy their candy? I just wanted to give them money. These kids were out selling candy for... something that I'm still not sure about... money for a dance, money for sports. It's fundraising for kids, at least it better be. So I don't even want the candy, but I'm sure I'll eat it later and get all hopped up on sugars and stuff. But Snickers and Peanut M&M's aren't exactly favorites of mine. What's my favorite? Well the proper way to ask that is what 'was' my favorite... because the geniuses at Starburst got rid of it. Totally pack a day type stuff. And it's not like a Jolly Rancher where you end up with jagged edges, you get a smooth sexy piece of candy that's delicious... but also horrible for your teeth. '''''''''''' There was something stuck under that button and it was bothering me. It's gone now. The pretty girl at the supermarket now wears glasses.

My students are racist shits. That's all I have to say about that.

half of a smile.

That shit was so fucking beautiful that I felt like crying. And it was just sounds. When you get beautiful sounds that's just it. You're done. And I'm done.

Time to go lie on the floor.

lay lie lay lie...

I don't know what's going on....

87% happy.... Because the number 87 appealed to me. The only thing it has against it is that it's 13% away from 100 and it's divisible by 3... making it................ not a prime number. But... 27 isn't a prime number... and all its prime factors turn out to be 3. So... I need to lay down.

I need to lie down.


Still don't know which is correct.

Quick Reviews

Top Drawer - Solid Oak
Brillinat. I mean... Brilliant. There. It starts off with this chilling tune.. and warms you up with groovy shit. Good shit... like for you smoking types, how you say, "This is good shit.... iiiiiiiiiit!"

Times New Viking - Rip it Off
Scientists have discovered a way to breed fuzzy fuzzy sounds with other stuff. My kid is going to look awesome... no wait. I'm sure if they cleaned it up it would sound just fine... but it's fuzzzzy... or i don't know what you call it.

Jimi Hendrix - Electric Ladyland
It's Hendrix. Don't fuck with Hendrix... or you know what. I will fuck with him... because I want his ghost to haunt my ass with his guitaring from another planet. Fuck you Hendrix. Your album is shit. S-H-I-T. SHIT! You sound like a cow humping a chicken on the 3rd floor of the Empire State Building. Now somebody record that so people know how it sounds. But really... Sorry Mr. Hendrix... you're all right.

Idle Race - Back to the Story
Buy it... or steal it and then buy it. As long as the final step is buying it then I don't care what goes on before it. Just don't kill anybody.

Vashti Bunyan - Some Things Just Stick in your Mind
Buy this one too. It's really pretty sounding.

Teenage Fanclub - Songs from Northern Britain
Let's see... if I were English I think I'd have something to say about the north... or like... Cornwall or something. I'll just say these perverts have it away with your ears every time you listen to them. They have better albums I'm sure, but this is the one I have to write about. Let's see. I think they have like.. these guitars. It's rad.

The Velvet Underground - Live at Max's Kansas City
So this writer and Warhol and somebody else sat at a table with a recorder or something. They order drinks talk about drugs and people they want to avoid and stuff... and the Velvets are off playing their tunes. This is after some sort of huge shit-storm or something. People getting moved about and I don't think I have my facts straight. They were playing at the same time King Kong was first introduced to the world down the street... then Godzilla showed up and the real shit went down.

Hard Candy

I was digging through my drawer and I came across my last piece of Starburst Hard Candy. If I'm remembering correctly it used to be lemon flavored but the yellow has since turned to green. Perhaps the piece of candy has caught on to this fad of "going green" and decided the only way for it to do that was to turn green. I could also be remembering incorrectly and the candy was always green to begin with... but I find that unlikely because I would've eaten the hell out of a piece of green apple Starburst Hard Candy. The candy has also grown tired of being hard and has reduced a portion of itself to a jelly-like softness. Said candy was placed back in the drawer and will most likely have eyes, emotion, and a will to live when I come across it again... it'll also be pissed that I ate so many of them. That reminds me... I need to write the Starbusrt people and get them to bring this back.


I wear glasses. These commercials for 3D TV isn't showing you everything. Everybody there has perfect vision or they're wearing contacts. So... what's going to happen when I pick up a 3D TV... I'll be wearing 2 pairs of glasses... 3 if I want to be cool and wear sunglasses inside. So forget it. 4 eyes is enough for me.

I think my beer exploded..

Elephants... and pools

My neighbors got an elephant and it's taking a huge piss. It's been going for like 30 minutes. It's ridiculous... or they're filling their pool.... or the elephant is filling it. Don't get an elephant if you have a pool.

3 Knives.

Dude... ok. Am I ever going to have a dream where Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't trying to kill me? I mean. It started out as a Mexican guy, but the guy morphed into Arnold and then he threw three knives in my back... right next to my right shoulder. Why are people always trying to kill me in my head? Well... at least Arnold is the most creative. The Humvee and now throwing knives. Ok. These were Crocodile Dundee style knives too. Three of them. I'm equal parts terrified and amazed by that. Threeeee! So I walked around with 3 knives in my back until I woke up.

I don't know what's going on with Davis. Their machines are really slow...

5²

I turned 25. The number 25 is boring. 26 is boring too. I'm a big fan of 27... 28 is ok too. 29 is prime, which is just awesome... but 25 is boring.

Karate Kid

Uh... so they have this new Karate Kid movie. It's with a black kid and Chinese people.. instead of like... Japs, white folk, and a Mexican I think. So here's a few things that are wrong with this movie without me having to see it.

1. They called it "Karate" - Karate is some Jap form of fighting. It's effective and all, but us Chinks don't really play that sort of thing. Kung Fu Kid doesn't have a nice enough ring which is probably why they stuck with Karate Kid... the same way Bitch I Shrunk the Kids doesn't have the same effect as Honey I Shrunk the Kid... you know what, I'm going to finish this and watch that. Chinks don't do Karate.

2. It has Chinese People - Uh... Chinese people don't play good bullies, unless this is a comedy. We just can't look tough. Not really threatening at all. There are exactly 2 Chinese people that if you saw walking down a dark alley you'd fear for your life, and you wouldn't even get the chance to do that because they're that good. Bruce Lee and Bolo. Now if they had a bunch of clones of Bruce Lee and Bolo running around, yeah you would actually be scared and worried... and it would be like these guys are tough shit, don't mess with them... and how backward is it that the Chinese kids are beating up a black kid. I'm Chinese... we're afraid of black people. That's straight from the source. Get it right.

3. No Skeletons - I'd like to see how they work skeletons in. It's just not Karate Kid if the Karate Kid doesn't get his ass kicked by skeletons. Will the Chinks also know English? There's just some stuff Chinese people just aren't good at. Celebrating Halloween and speaking English.


This is going to be shite... and all the blame falls on the Chinese people... you're welcome!

Highway 61 Revisited

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you get really close to dying? I had one of those. I picked up somebody else's drink and was about to drink it... but there was a pop and the glass shattered in my hand. I look down at the broken glass thinking my mind is playing some kind of sick joke on me, but when I look up the bouncers are shooting at somebody outside the doorway. They all collapse and this guy walks in with a gun. It's a crowded restaurant, but everybody is frozen in place but me and the shooter. The shooter goes off to the other door, fires a few more shots and kills a few more people. My head is now telling me that I should get down... so I do that, and I just freak out because I know everybody is going to die and I wake up. Sort of a dark turn for my mind to take...

So. This is just Bob Dylan's way of punishing me for not listening to side 2 of Highway 61 Revisited in its entirety. I remember listening to "Queen Jane Approximately" (pretty song) and then I went to sleep had that awful dream. So after I was all shook up by that dream, I put on side 2 again, just thinking it would calm me down a bit, which it did... and after I've finished side 2 and went back to sleep, I had a rather nice dream.

Not much was going on, there was just a nice girl in it. I remember buying ice cream which I can't find myself doing anytime soon, but it was just nice that she was there.

So yeah. If you're going to listen to some Dylan, don't piss him off or something by not listening to complete sides to his albums. Dylan's curse or something... and then he rewards you if you do listen to the whole thing, so that's pretty nice. And you get a bunch of good things for your ears too.

la vs d

I think my brain will just leap out of my skull and say, "Fuck this, listen to your heart brother." I get absolutely torn between things when making decisions.

The World's Classiest Toilet

Ok. I've seen some really awesome toilets in my day. There's these really round urinals at the hotel my university runs, perhaps the fanciest most awkward urinal I've ever been involved with. I'm not like a toilet expert or anything. But I know when I see something that's above and beyond everything else.

Now I'm not talking about the bowl part here. That has been completely over done. Golden bowls filled with water that has diamond dust in it or something so when you make your deposit the thing glistens and shines brighter than the countdown ball on new years eve... you know how it goes...

The flushing mechanism. That's where the action is. These days it's either something gross you don't want to touch, like at the bathrooms in a public park... to the mid level thing where you just walk away and it does everything for you.. or something so fancy that it doesn't even need to be flushed, it goes straight down a pipe or something. But here's something really classy. When I saw it, I was afraid to flush due to a lack of classiness on my part... but you know what? When you flush that toilet, the intense classiness it carries gets transferred over to you.

So I went and followed the instructions, "Push Rod Down." Upon looking down where the arrow guided me I was met by a man in a tux perhaps on his way to his wedding, but no, he will take the time to help you flush. Now tell me, what is more classy than that? Nothing... well maybe a bear wearing a business suit in an elevator, but nothing else can come close. So here's to you Mr. Groom... I apologize for the delay. When the time comes you can go to your wedding, but until then, you will be the absolute classiest individual to ever walk this planet... even though your legs are fused together... I salute you good sir, keep on flushin'.




I apologize for the number of times I used the word 'class' in all it's forms and varieties... But really, that's the only way I can describe this thing. Fucking class!

Standing Pandas.

So far, there has been one thing that's just absolutely terrifying to me, hairy spiders. I don't want one crawling around me and if there is one around me, there's a very good chance I'll do something really weird to smash the hell out of it. I just won't be comfortable.

Now, to add to the list, standing pandas. Standing pandas. Why the hell do they look so creepy? I mean they're all cute when they're sitting or on all fours, but the second they stand, they become just really really creepy.

So... when I get the money and whatever resources I need to open a University, I'll open one in Anaheim. UCA. The mascot will be the Standing Pandas.

F-ing Terrrrrrifying... of the terror variety, not terrific.

Answer:

A) I got very light headed because I was blowing dust off of my keyboard. I was trying to be one of those cans of compressed air. Didn't quite turn out as I had hoped, and I feel weird.

B) I got very dizzy because I was listening to stuff with an extremely high amount of tremolo going on.

C) I have to poop.

D) All of the above.

April Fools

I have it worked out in my head that driving in reverse is pretty funny. So I'll be driving in reverse down the freeway or something... and I'll get pulled over, at least I really hope I get pulled over. That's when I tell the officer, "April Fools." and I probably get punched in the face and shot in the leg... the officer will also say, "April Fools." and drive off.

____ Stain

I have this rash around my ears. It's really gross. I woke up with it Friday morning. It was awful. It was like a basketball. Ears should not feel like basketballs or any other balls for that matter.

Well, rash and all I decided to stick my headphones on and give this CD I got a listen... the same CD that was given to me, followed by an offering of a pair of white male's underpants that appeared to be really grayed out. Perhaps they are better suited for an individual more deserving... the CD was enough for me.

Still not going to mention the band's name... Well how about half of it. ____ Stain. Fill in the blank as you see fit. Bear Stain. Wood Stain. Rainbow Stain. Empire State Building Stain. Whatever... use your imagination. ___ Stain produce good solid tunes. They're about a minute and a half each. So every time you take a piss.... and really really take your time, you can listen to a song. That's a compliment. It's the only kind of music you can dance and rock to... take it with you to the bathroom and then piss to. Don't even think about trying this out with Stairway... It won't work out. Also, dancing and pissing should be kept separate... let's not make a mess of things. Good tunes... a fairly uncomfortable band name, but that's what they were going for. Now if Bill Clinton left a rainbow stain instead of whatever stain that was... things would be different.

If you're into scoring things.... (720 - 60)/50 + n = (18² + 5! + (2940/10))/10
Solve for n.

Score: n/100


Here's their website:
Cum Stain

Stuff coming out soon from everybody's favorite label.

basketball

"Cal Poly Pomona beaten Indian for the NCAA division II championship. Yeah!" - ?

Not much else to be said, mistakes and all.

They're (T)apes

I spent a few hours on Monday putting cassettes together with their art and into cases. You could say I was playing cassette god, and cobbling together a bunch of freak Frankenstein style tapes together. Mary Shelly already told us that's a dangerous game to play... but the day cassettes start picking flowers and killing little girls is the day I'll have to create the world's biggest magnet to save the world... and probably erase several hard drives, video tapes, and screw up whatever else is affected by magnetic fields. Wait... I need to do this. I'll take the Pop side from that Cleaners from Venus tape and stick it with the B side of the Shannon and the Clams tape and I'll have this fantastic tape with two colors... but wait, the inside will be the repressing of King Tuff's Was Dead. I'll give it the art from Ty Segall and just toss in those nice white cases, because the black ones are cheap chinese garbage that fall apart (it's ok, I can say that). I'll leave it outside when there's a lightning storm... but really... if I want it to be like that I'd need all those tapes. But wait, they're available now! Now!!!!

Burger Records - Tapes

Get your magnets ready... I'm going to make a monster. Check down at the bottom of the list for the new goodies.

So.... if you're lucky you'll end up with one I put together. My finger prints and my DNA (most likely in the form of skin or hair) are all over them. If that's the selling point for you... whatever, you bought it. If you never even wanted the tape but just my fingerprints dead skin cells I really don't care. So I guess.... free with every purchase, Chinese fingerprints and skin cells. *Saliva based DNA costs extra if you want me to sneeze on it or something* Don't be gross man... don't.

They were actually constructed in a clean room. I had to wear this body suit, mask, mickey mouse gloves, and these bags on my shoes. I tried sneezing but this guy with a gun threatened to shoot me so I had to leave the room, take off all that stupid stuff and sneeze. When I went back in a bunch of red lights were flashing because somebody farted.

A wizard came into the store and just waved his wand around and things were done magically.

It was a robot. A robot from the future gathered up all the tapes from everybody who bought them and returned them back to us, already assembled and new, for you to repurchase again. So really, you already own the tape, you just need to buy it.... think about it. Huh???

A few years ago we planted a cassette in a field and these tapes is what the tree puts out. When it's done with that it will provide us with, shade, branches, a house, and then finally a place to sit. It's a good tree.

The cassettes folded the humans and put them in a box. Upon completion, the cassettes returned to their cases, curled up next to their artwork and fell asleep with the satisfaction that they've made a difference today, the humans would not be returning again.

What really happened was the cassettes were assembled with love by lovely people that love to love. X's and O'x and sunshine... lollipops and rainbows, that sort of thing. So buy one or two or three...


Buy all of them... because you can and it's totally not illegal.

Blackout

Ok. So, where do I start with this one...

On Friday I found out Alex Chilton died. Nobody really seemed to care. After listening to all the Big Star albums, I had a beer and went to sleep. Here's where things get out of hand... whatever you're thinking right now, it's not it. Not even close...

I think I was reading Catcher in the Rye or I was doing something that lead to me trying to explain this... I was trying to explain the meaning of 'Sinatra.' Now... somehow... I was absolutely convinced that 'Sinatra' was Latin for a femme fatale. I broke it down like... the 'sin' part was bad... and somehow the 'atra' bit was girlish or something. That's not even the weirdest part. The whole time I was talking about Frank Sinatra. So I woke up after that... and it was like (English accent now), "Hm. Frank Sinatra. Femme Fatale. Cheerio."

Now if that wasn't weird enough... I fall asleep again. This time it's like the 50's or something. I was in downtown Fullerton but it felt like some Cuban place. Like a really classy Cuban club where a Ricky Ricardo type would be performing. Now me and this other guy who looked like a mobster were sitting around. Something happens that I can't quite remember, but basically we steal a bunch of money and 7" records and the place is on fire. So we get into a car. It's one of those really curvy ones from the 50's... and we're trying to escape. It's all going great until we run into a New Years festival... it's totally some sort of Chinese New Year since the timing is all screwed up... But there's people all out in the streets with street vendors... I look at the street sign trying to find a quicker way out... but it says "Ostric" so I don't know where the hell I am. So we're like... inching our way down the street... and I just yell, and I quote, "What's with this New Years Nazi Bootleg Festival!!?!?!"

And... I'll just end things there. Blackout.

vit'min wat'r

I wrote Vitamin Water today... or Glaceau... whichever one is in charge of things. I told them that I basically like their drink, but I don't want to pay for it anymore. We'll see how that goes. I also told them I tried making my own Vitamin Water by tossing a Centrum into some water. Of course that tastes awful... so I'm hoping they'll send me some good news... in liquid form and I'll drink it. Vitamin Water. It's like a stupid commercial. They better send me something or I'm going to start drinking something that's just ass for me... or some juice. If they have juice they can send me that too... probably should've mentioned that...

I also mentioned the reverse osmosis water bit. They use reverse osmosis water. I wonder what they start with, because they use reverse osmosis systems at some wastewater treatment plants. I mean, the shit is out of it before it gets to the reverse osmosis part, but still. Let's crack a deal with the cities and get a Vitamin Water plant stuck on at after the steps to reverse osmosis and disinfection is through with. I'll be that balloon stuck at the end of the pipe... so ready to burst, but pretty darn funny looking.

hjklhfdsaaaaaaaaa

My eyes just sort of turn on me. It all happens so quickly. I get tired earlier for some reason with the time change. It doesn't really make sense. Why even bother with the time change anyways? I just can't stand the fact that this last Sunday, anytime between 2:00 and 3:00 AM never existed. While we're doing stuff like that, why not make tomorrow Christmas and the day after that St. Patrick's Day, toss in New Year and hour between the two days, and move Winston Churchill's birthday to Friday... I'm going to stop because I almost typed 'burthday.'


Good day to you!

wandering eyes

I've been thinking with an English accent. It's pretty good now isn't it? I'm going to start reading with an English accent as well. Did you see how I said 'as well?' It didn't sound right saying 'too.' I'm really not that put off by this, so I believe I'll continue. Actually, if you're reading this, and you're English, you're already reading this with an English accent. I appreciate that, I really do. Unfortunately, I'll have to ask for you to read this in... forget it. Do what you want. I can't stop laughing.




"What was he talking about for your eyes to wander down to his penis is what I'm trying to say. What made you look at his penis?"

"Because I got bored."

raisin eyes.

I'm cold. and tired. Actually, I'm tired and cold. Tiredness takes precedence here... if that's what precedence means, but I'm too tired to look it up. I mean. The spirit is totally willing to stay away. my mind is sharp as hell and stuff. But my eyes... my eyes would like to do something. I don't know what they do when I sleep. I learned as a freshman in health class that they move rapidly. How is rapid movement supposed to be relaxing? Why can't they move around rapidly when I'm awake so I can skip this whole deal with sleeping. Ok... I'm done with this, they're totally raisins. Raisins! California Raisins for eyes... and you know exactly how terrible those wrinkly purple freaks are.. they are however, fairly delicious given the proper surroundings.

good night.


'sweet dreams please.'

I'm drinking Hi-C too.

fingers

I'm going to tape a pen to my hand and write on some paper. My fingers are sick of working for me. So fuck you all. That was my fingers talking.

Sorry.

keys.

You want to know what the worst shit ever is? A while ago I couldn't find my keys... and I thought typing 'keys' into Google would help me find them.

Ok, I know there's worse stuff than that. You know, like traffic in LA, Spinal Tap's album Shark Sandwich, or eating a burger and having it fall apart on you. Stay together you stupid burger! Who's the stupid burger engineer that worked on this? The extra bun in a big mac is there for the hamburger's structural integrity. It creates friction which allows the patties of meat to stay in place and not slip around like a banana on a soapy floor. Now look. I'm left with more meat than bun. That's not how a burger is supposed to end. That's how a Wendy's burger starts. Or something like that.... but what the hell... it's delicious. And I'd eat it again... and I'd freak out just as bad the second things start slipping.

bleeding eyes

My eyes are bleeding. On the inside. It looks gross. My students wanted to know if somebody punched me in the eye or something. I told them no... because I don't even know how it happened. I would find it quite comical if it were caused by a punch... because that would mean that somebody would have to come at me double fisted (drinks optional), apply some amount of force that would cause my eyes to bleed and not just break or whatever eyes do on impact, and leave the rest of me fairly presentable. Well... if anybody is going to do that it would probably be Superman. He's such a dick.

unfresh donuts

At least when I collapse and fall, it'll look like everything around me is rising.

I guess those were blood stains... or coffee or something else that stains.

Maybe not, because they washed out pretty good.

It smelled like donuts though.

Unfresh donuts.

sleepy. eeeeeeeepy.

Trashed on equal parts sleepiness and sleeeeeeeeeeeepiness.

I just spent the last few minutes staring at nothing. So much for sleeping with my eyes open.


Time to close them for several hours. When I wake up I'l..l...... I'll figure it out when I wake up.

Good night.

'Sweet dreams please.'

An Essay... I think.

The first time I stepped through the doors to the area between its walls, the strangest, yet, most fascinating rendition of "I Heard it through the Grapevine" was softly flowing out of the speakers. Somewhat lost and unsure of where to turn next, I found myself searching through the stands set against the walls which were painted the most pleasing shade of green... of course if I keep writing like this my brain will end up on the floor because it'll just be so sick of things that it will just leap out of my skull to try to get away. Of course my brain will then return and reattach itself to me, because you know... I'll be dying and my brain doesn't want that to happen. But yeah. That's how the essay would go... not my essay. Some other person's essay. It was about "a place you've never been before." Oh. and I was talking about Burger Records... and so was the person writing the real essay.

But it should really go:

"I've never been to Burger Records, but upon entering the store, I believe that qualifies me as having been there. Maybe even just being outside counts because they have records out there too. So maybe I'm missing the point of this essay. I can't really write about any place that I physically visit or even perhaps 'the opposite of physically' visit either, because in some time and place I believe that also counts as visiting. Come to think of it, I can't really write about anything. Because there will always exist a moment where I've visited a place. It's like that Schrodinger's Cat deal... Uh... maybe not. I'm thinking about it and I'm just getting confused. But hey. It's Burger Records. Records! Persons! Places! Things!Sometimes in a different order, but they're there. If you're still not convinced this paper is an A, just stop reading it... and put it in a box with some radioactive material, a radiation detector, and a stamp with an A on it. At least that way you can fail me and I can be happy with an A. Win win. You win only if you go to Burger Records... and since you've stopped reading... this assignment is stupid. I don't expect you to read this so why should I write it you dickbag?"


Somebody gave me shower gel and some other bottle of soapy stuff. All I'm thinking is... I can't drink this stuff, why did you give me shower gel? Do I smell?


I'm going to start calling things I like, 'science fiction.' This burger is science fiction. That band is totally not science fiction. One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest is science fiction. It... will get confusing.

leg(s)

I've suddenly been overcome by the strangest of sensations, one which makes me feel that I should pull off my legs and just go legless for a while. If only they grew back...

New Year

Happy New Year. For real this time.

Top Drawer - Song of a Sinner

It's a little off beat, the singer is mixing up his words, the strings come in at the wrong time, the drummer stops drumming halfway through the song because he found out his cat ate the last Snickers bar, you can hear a girl smoking a cigarette towards the end of the record - she's also stepping on a bed of flowers, the guitar goes out of tune after the first bend and goes wayyyy out of tune after the second, you can hear a pin drop, it's followed by the dropping of several thousand pins, a massive wave of pins, a torrent, and you can hear each and every one of them hit the ground, like you're watching layers and layers of old Sprint commercials... and then what? silence. did you go deaf from the pin drops? no. just silence. you can hear a small ringing in your ear. molecules. crashing against your ear drum... it gets louder and louder and louder...

the needle hits the record... and the organs come in.

It's either the weather or the song, but something has me shivering. Perhaps an equal amount of both.

Medication #2

Hello, this is Nelson's medication. You know, that bootleg bottle of Robitussin. I'm purple and grapish flavored... just call it purple. Actually, I'm more of a violet. I taste violet. I am currently doing a very good job of unstuffing Nelson's nose, but a realllllll ass of a job preventing him from coughing. It's like this joke I play. You drink me and I tickle the shit out of your throat so you cough. I'm totally loaded with chemicals that trick your brain into thinking you don't need to cough, but there's nothing like that smooth violet taste running down your throat that makes it get all sorts of tingly. Oh, I'm also the secret ingredient to a Flaming Homer... or Moe if you're caught in that one episode of The Simpsons.

We all miss Karen Carpenter don't we?

medication

At this point, I believe it's the medication talking. What does it have to say that's any different than what I normally say? Probably nothing. It does, however, have the potential to be more coherent... or... some other word like that. Ok. So maybe the medication doesn't have that much to say, and it's just making me very... very.... verrrry... verrrrrrrrrrrry tired. My dreams are going to be a mess tonight.

Here's to leaving motion trails when I wake up from a dream of being attacked by a tiger... only to gently push it aside to evade its ferocious bite and slip out of the way to close a wooden gate.




PS: new strings feel extremely lovely on your fingers as well as your ears... well maybe not when I play... but come on over and give them a feel for yourself.... yourselves.

human ordure

I had so much to say earlier, but I got caught up in something else and now I can't remember what I had to say. It was probably about Contra or wait, no, it was something about power. P = IV type stuff, but that's just boring.

I don't know how I got sick again, but I'm sick again. This is the 3rd time I've gotten sick since this whole swine flu thing started. And hey, h1n1 is not less threatening. It may be good for pork, but come on. First of all, I'm sure the pigs probably want it to be called swine flu and second of all h1n1 sounds like some sort of robot flu. Hm... maybe my computer is getting me sick.


Oh. I totally got in some Mexican guy's picture as he turned around to snap a picture of a truck I was walking by. At least I hope he was taking pictures of the truck...







Now I remember, I was going to talk about Jonathan Swift. I remember doing an essay on his whole 'Modest Proposal' thing. But that's not what I want to talk about. The lovely people over at the Kilkenny International Swift Society were kind enough to send me digital copies of the piece entitled, 'Human Ordure.' It's really hard to read because the S's look like F's. You know, sort of like the F holes on musical instruments. It's really throwing me off in an already complicated read for this dummy. Well here's their website:

http://www.swiftsociety.com/


I don't know what else I can do, my list of people, places, and things... or uh.. my list of nouns that I owe things to keeps growing. I hope I can start paying them back soon in a way that is better than something so plastic... like flowers and a large box filled with balloons attached to several more balloons attached to a... puppy holding a kitten holding a thank you note... the bacteria on the thank you note will also have thank you notes. I'll provide a microscope for that.

Be Nelson

"Nelson, They are all done; when the alumni association hits you up for a donation, be Nelson."

I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. My jaw hurts.

Cocaine discovery prompts investigation by NASA

When I first saw the headline:

Cocaine discovery prompts investigation by NASA

I started thinking about what exactly this could be about. Is it about space drugs? Or maybe it's some form of cocaine that's so terribly potent that your nose falls off and you turn into Mr. Potato Head... well unfortunately it was neither of those. It was about drugs being found on the floor and people getting drug tests. Guh... come on NASA. I was expecting to see stuff like:

'Well we didn't find any water, but there was a lot of cocaine on the moon.'

Well let's just stick to taking pretty pictures with super powerful telescopes and finding planets that are really really far away so we can watch aliens do their space drugs. Really. Martian cocaine. Red planet.... something. What do they call cocaine these days? Red planet blow. Green people's coke.. You know what? Those green people on that red planet is really quite festive. We should go there for Christmas some time in the future.

NASA... let's solve this drug mystery quick so we can get back to looking for water in places it probably isn't. Can they just replace the word "water" to make things at least a little bit more exciting? I mean, I love water, but when it's space water... it sort of takes the fun out of things. So that thing they did a few months back, where they exploded a chunk of the moon or something to find water... let's fix that right now.

A few months ago NASA blew up a part of the moon to see if there were any traces of cats, monkeys, and cheap Mexican candy on the moon. There. It's like a really awesome pinata... really though... the moon is the ass of the sky. Sort of like how the ass is the moon of the body... sort of.......... ok maybe not.

Long as I can See the Light

In about 15 hours, at that time last week, my grandmother passed away. My mom tells me for the next few weeks her spirit will wander about before traveling on to a place much better than this world.

Here's "Long as I can See the Light" for your auditory pleasure. Smile.

Press play.



Tell my grandmother her legs are better now, so she can visit anytime.

sleeping

I'd sleep with my guitar, but I'm worried about rolling over and smashing it. Or it may roll over and smash me. Holy shit! 1:00 am? Good night.

spinnnnnning.

I start thinking about it and my head starts to spin.

quicksand SoP

Ok... I said I was going to write something pretty and it started out pretty enough. But towards the end I was getting dehydrated or something, so it wasn't as pretty. It was ugly. I had to use the Backspace key a lot. It was stupid. I even thought about throwing that in. "I'm dehydrated now so my writing is ugly, that's why water is so important." But I didn't... it would've been really really ugly then. Like an ugly dog wearing a ugly cat. It's terrible. Oh. and having David Bowie's "Quicksand" start playing a paragraph into my 'statement of purpose' didn't help that much either... I heard "don't believe in yourself." and it was like... holy shit... I'm going to keep listening to this song even though it's not the best thing to do when you're writing about tooting your own horn. In my case it's a guitar. I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

This tastes like soda

The Velvet Underground's Live at Max's Kansas City is better than the 1969 live album.

That's it.

If you need to ask why... well give it a listen and hear for yourself. There's a guy on there that's telling a girl that his drink tastes like soda. Awesome.

fresh bread... or strawberries

I had 8 hours to write the song of the year... I didn't.

How can this year be new if it doesn't smell like fresh bread? Fresh bread is perhaps one of the best smells there is. Really. What's better than the smell of fresh bread? If you're a dog you'd probably say another dog's butt. But I'm human. I'm going to say fresh bread... or strawberries.

Well. 364 days and so many hours to write the song of the year. It'll be about fressh bread... or strawberries.

I can't feel my fingers anymore. I'm done with this.

Happy new year... you're all so crazy though. The new year is still a month away. Ha! That's what I get for being Chinese... So maybe I still have another month to write the song of the year.

Hm.... maybe it won't be about fresh bread......... or strawberries. But maybe I'll have that for breakfast.