____ Stain

I have this rash around my ears. It's really gross. I woke up with it Friday morning. It was awful. It was like a basketball. Ears should not feel like basketballs or any other balls for that matter.

Well, rash and all I decided to stick my headphones on and give this CD I got a listen... the same CD that was given to me, followed by an offering of a pair of white male's underpants that appeared to be really grayed out. Perhaps they are better suited for an individual more deserving... the CD was enough for me.

Still not going to mention the band's name... Well how about half of it. ____ Stain. Fill in the blank as you see fit. Bear Stain. Wood Stain. Rainbow Stain. Empire State Building Stain. Whatever... use your imagination. ___ Stain produce good solid tunes. They're about a minute and a half each. So every time you take a piss.... and really really take your time, you can listen to a song. That's a compliment. It's the only kind of music you can dance and rock to... take it with you to the bathroom and then piss to. Don't even think about trying this out with Stairway... It won't work out. Also, dancing and pissing should be kept separate... let's not make a mess of things. Good tunes... a fairly uncomfortable band name, but that's what they were going for. Now if Bill Clinton left a rainbow stain instead of whatever stain that was... things would be different.

If you're into scoring things.... (720 - 60)/50 + n = (18² + 5! + (2940/10))/10
Solve for n.

Score: n/100


Here's their website:
Cum Stain

Stuff coming out soon from everybody's favorite label.

basketball

"Cal Poly Pomona beaten Indian for the NCAA division II championship. Yeah!" - ?

Not much else to be said, mistakes and all.

They're (T)apes

I spent a few hours on Monday putting cassettes together with their art and into cases. You could say I was playing cassette god, and cobbling together a bunch of freak Frankenstein style tapes together. Mary Shelly already told us that's a dangerous game to play... but the day cassettes start picking flowers and killing little girls is the day I'll have to create the world's biggest magnet to save the world... and probably erase several hard drives, video tapes, and screw up whatever else is affected by magnetic fields. Wait... I need to do this. I'll take the Pop side from that Cleaners from Venus tape and stick it with the B side of the Shannon and the Clams tape and I'll have this fantastic tape with two colors... but wait, the inside will be the repressing of King Tuff's Was Dead. I'll give it the art from Ty Segall and just toss in those nice white cases, because the black ones are cheap chinese garbage that fall apart (it's ok, I can say that). I'll leave it outside when there's a lightning storm... but really... if I want it to be like that I'd need all those tapes. But wait, they're available now! Now!!!!

Burger Records - Tapes

Get your magnets ready... I'm going to make a monster. Check down at the bottom of the list for the new goodies.

So.... if you're lucky you'll end up with one I put together. My finger prints and my DNA (most likely in the form of skin or hair) are all over them. If that's the selling point for you... whatever, you bought it. If you never even wanted the tape but just my fingerprints dead skin cells I really don't care. So I guess.... free with every purchase, Chinese fingerprints and skin cells. *Saliva based DNA costs extra if you want me to sneeze on it or something* Don't be gross man... don't.

They were actually constructed in a clean room. I had to wear this body suit, mask, mickey mouse gloves, and these bags on my shoes. I tried sneezing but this guy with a gun threatened to shoot me so I had to leave the room, take off all that stupid stuff and sneeze. When I went back in a bunch of red lights were flashing because somebody farted.

A wizard came into the store and just waved his wand around and things were done magically.

It was a robot. A robot from the future gathered up all the tapes from everybody who bought them and returned them back to us, already assembled and new, for you to repurchase again. So really, you already own the tape, you just need to buy it.... think about it. Huh???

A few years ago we planted a cassette in a field and these tapes is what the tree puts out. When it's done with that it will provide us with, shade, branches, a house, and then finally a place to sit. It's a good tree.

The cassettes folded the humans and put them in a box. Upon completion, the cassettes returned to their cases, curled up next to their artwork and fell asleep with the satisfaction that they've made a difference today, the humans would not be returning again.

What really happened was the cassettes were assembled with love by lovely people that love to love. X's and O'x and sunshine... lollipops and rainbows, that sort of thing. So buy one or two or three...


Buy all of them... because you can and it's totally not illegal.

Blackout

Ok. So, where do I start with this one...

On Friday I found out Alex Chilton died. Nobody really seemed to care. After listening to all the Big Star albums, I had a beer and went to sleep. Here's where things get out of hand... whatever you're thinking right now, it's not it. Not even close...

I think I was reading Catcher in the Rye or I was doing something that lead to me trying to explain this... I was trying to explain the meaning of 'Sinatra.' Now... somehow... I was absolutely convinced that 'Sinatra' was Latin for a femme fatale. I broke it down like... the 'sin' part was bad... and somehow the 'atra' bit was girlish or something. That's not even the weirdest part. The whole time I was talking about Frank Sinatra. So I woke up after that... and it was like (English accent now), "Hm. Frank Sinatra. Femme Fatale. Cheerio."

Now if that wasn't weird enough... I fall asleep again. This time it's like the 50's or something. I was in downtown Fullerton but it felt like some Cuban place. Like a really classy Cuban club where a Ricky Ricardo type would be performing. Now me and this other guy who looked like a mobster were sitting around. Something happens that I can't quite remember, but basically we steal a bunch of money and 7" records and the place is on fire. So we get into a car. It's one of those really curvy ones from the 50's... and we're trying to escape. It's all going great until we run into a New Years festival... it's totally some sort of Chinese New Year since the timing is all screwed up... But there's people all out in the streets with street vendors... I look at the street sign trying to find a quicker way out... but it says "Ostric" so I don't know where the hell I am. So we're like... inching our way down the street... and I just yell, and I quote, "What's with this New Years Nazi Bootleg Festival!!?!?!"

And... I'll just end things there. Blackout.

vit'min wat'r

I wrote Vitamin Water today... or Glaceau... whichever one is in charge of things. I told them that I basically like their drink, but I don't want to pay for it anymore. We'll see how that goes. I also told them I tried making my own Vitamin Water by tossing a Centrum into some water. Of course that tastes awful... so I'm hoping they'll send me some good news... in liquid form and I'll drink it. Vitamin Water. It's like a stupid commercial. They better send me something or I'm going to start drinking something that's just ass for me... or some juice. If they have juice they can send me that too... probably should've mentioned that...

I also mentioned the reverse osmosis water bit. They use reverse osmosis water. I wonder what they start with, because they use reverse osmosis systems at some wastewater treatment plants. I mean, the shit is out of it before it gets to the reverse osmosis part, but still. Let's crack a deal with the cities and get a Vitamin Water plant stuck on at after the steps to reverse osmosis and disinfection is through with. I'll be that balloon stuck at the end of the pipe... so ready to burst, but pretty darn funny looking.

hjklhfdsaaaaaaaaa

My eyes just sort of turn on me. It all happens so quickly. I get tired earlier for some reason with the time change. It doesn't really make sense. Why even bother with the time change anyways? I just can't stand the fact that this last Sunday, anytime between 2:00 and 3:00 AM never existed. While we're doing stuff like that, why not make tomorrow Christmas and the day after that St. Patrick's Day, toss in New Year and hour between the two days, and move Winston Churchill's birthday to Friday... I'm going to stop because I almost typed 'burthday.'


Good day to you!

wandering eyes

I've been thinking with an English accent. It's pretty good now isn't it? I'm going to start reading with an English accent as well. Did you see how I said 'as well?' It didn't sound right saying 'too.' I'm really not that put off by this, so I believe I'll continue. Actually, if you're reading this, and you're English, you're already reading this with an English accent. I appreciate that, I really do. Unfortunately, I'll have to ask for you to read this in... forget it. Do what you want. I can't stop laughing.




"What was he talking about for your eyes to wander down to his penis is what I'm trying to say. What made you look at his penis?"

"Because I got bored."

raisin eyes.

I'm cold. and tired. Actually, I'm tired and cold. Tiredness takes precedence here... if that's what precedence means, but I'm too tired to look it up. I mean. The spirit is totally willing to stay away. my mind is sharp as hell and stuff. But my eyes... my eyes would like to do something. I don't know what they do when I sleep. I learned as a freshman in health class that they move rapidly. How is rapid movement supposed to be relaxing? Why can't they move around rapidly when I'm awake so I can skip this whole deal with sleeping. Ok... I'm done with this, they're totally raisins. Raisins! California Raisins for eyes... and you know exactly how terrible those wrinkly purple freaks are.. they are however, fairly delicious given the proper surroundings.

good night.


'sweet dreams please.'

I'm drinking Hi-C too.

fingers

I'm going to tape a pen to my hand and write on some paper. My fingers are sick of working for me. So fuck you all. That was my fingers talking.

Sorry.

keys.

You want to know what the worst shit ever is? A while ago I couldn't find my keys... and I thought typing 'keys' into Google would help me find them.

Ok, I know there's worse stuff than that. You know, like traffic in LA, Spinal Tap's album Shark Sandwich, or eating a burger and having it fall apart on you. Stay together you stupid burger! Who's the stupid burger engineer that worked on this? The extra bun in a big mac is there for the hamburger's structural integrity. It creates friction which allows the patties of meat to stay in place and not slip around like a banana on a soapy floor. Now look. I'm left with more meat than bun. That's not how a burger is supposed to end. That's how a Wendy's burger starts. Or something like that.... but what the hell... it's delicious. And I'd eat it again... and I'd freak out just as bad the second things start slipping.

bleeding eyes

My eyes are bleeding. On the inside. It looks gross. My students wanted to know if somebody punched me in the eye or something. I told them no... because I don't even know how it happened. I would find it quite comical if it were caused by a punch... because that would mean that somebody would have to come at me double fisted (drinks optional), apply some amount of force that would cause my eyes to bleed and not just break or whatever eyes do on impact, and leave the rest of me fairly presentable. Well... if anybody is going to do that it would probably be Superman. He's such a dick.