Count Chocula

Alex is a drummer.

"I'll listen to Alex beat away at anything... and that includes women. Not that he would ever do that, but if he did I would totally listen. And that makes me sound like some sort of sex pervert."

Everybody likes Lucky Charms right? Count Chocula is like Lucky Charms, but better. About an hour ago I started craving some Count Chocula. Now if you've somehow been Count Chocula deprived here's what you're missing out on:

1. The oatish grainy cereal is replaced by the same thing... but it's not infused with chocolate.
2. The marshmallows are supposed to be things... I really can't think right now...

Um... here. I'll show you why I can't think. Plus you can treat yourself to going blind for a few seconds at the same time:

http://www.astrocat.space-madness.net/Art/Traditional/Count_Chocula_in_repose.png

Sure isn't the way I repose.

I am no longer craving Count Chocula.

Boxes: Bonus

Not really a bonus if you're reading this first..

But today the new IT guy came by to install some stuff on my work computer.  He had his personal phone with him and a work phone so people can reach him wherever he is at work.  I said... "Woah! Two phones?"  then he explained the whole thing about work and personal phones and added... "They don't let me play on the work phone." and he went back to farming zombies.  He also added:  "My dad had three phones and a pager."  To which I asked.... "Was he a drug dealer?"

Probably not the best thing to ask...

Boxes

I have this weird thing with boxes.. If they're large enough, I tend to crawl into them.  Just any box that I think I can fit inside somehow I think I'll find my way into them.  I remember once, my parents got a new tv... so I crawled into it.  Then, my brother closed up the top and held it shut.  I freaked out and punched and clawed my way out because it brought out the claustrophobic freak inside me.

So.  I have this box.  I think I can fit in it, but i'll look like some sort of mermaid, but with a box instead of a fish ass.  Girls like box mermaids right? 

Fortune Cookies

Read this:

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/02/25/sport/jeremy-lin-ice-cream/index.html

Here's what I think happened... they made the stuff with fortune cookies... but realized it tasted like shit.  So they cooked up ("churned up" if you want) this story about us chinks being offended.  Who the hell gets offended by a fortune cookie?  The way I see it is... the dude is asian... so stick some sweet asian stuff in there... the sweetest thing us chinks have is the fortune cookie or the orange.. so what the hell, throw some fortune cookies in there.  I mean... one of our desserts is red beans.. that's the last thing I want to see in ice cream... beans.  Unless they're jelly beans... Next Mexican person that gets famous Ben & Jerry's needs to throw some jelly beans in there... just to start this process all over again.

I decided to write ol' Mr. Ben and Jerry:

Dear maker's of frozen water cream,

I'm don't normally eat ice cream, but I feel like I need to go out and pick up a pint of your decadent deliciousness.

All the heat you got from the whole fortune cookie, "Taste the Lin-sanity" just wasn't cool - and we all know ice cream needs to be cool and should avoid large amounts of heat.  As a Chinese-America, Asian, Chinese person, or whatever you feel like calling me, I found it more offensive that you had to apologize for having a bit of fun.  I want to emphasize that last word... FUN!  Because you're an ice cream company and your job is to churn out the most fun filled frozen treat in the Milky Way Galaxy (emphasis on the milk there). 

Anyway, keep up the good work and please forward this to the people in charge of coming up with your flavors.  It wasn't offensive and I hope this doesn't set you back in any way.

Love,

Nelson



Here's a fortune cookie I want to see:

"Your ass looks like Texas, it's full of BBQ, cheesecake, and the shitty american food you just ate"


I just realized I left the 'n' off of American... it's like foreshadowing.  You know. Literary techniques and such.  Chinese-America... don't be stupid, work hard, and don't let those freaks take over.

Hikes

People like to go on hikes.  People only take hikes where there's a bunch of nature around.  This is why my urban hiking business never took off.  People don't realize the joys of urban hikes.  There are tons more animals to see.  You don't need to worry about pinecones falling on your head.  And sometimes, you need to use your safety kit if approached by a wild automobile or attacked by a hungry homeless person. 

Yesterday I took a short 1 mile urban hike to get a great view of the local Target.  There was a lovely shelf with fresh Corn Nuts and a freezer lake/waterfall full of beer.  I decided not to take a swim in it because I was afraid of freezer leaches getting on my junk.  I also don't know how to swim.  Especially in a freezer.  With bottles of beer.  I saw a crow eating a sandwich somebody had dropped on the floor.  It was such an amazing site.  Urban nature at it's finest really.  On my way back I smelled the local flower children (they smelled like shit) and picked one to home with me.  I thought it would remind me of how wonderful my urban hike was, but because I didn't water it and I left it out in the sun a lot it died after a week and a lot of complaining.  It's not my fault it didn't know how to photosynthesize...

The quality sure has taken a drop here... Urban hikes!?  I need to get off of what I'm on and get back on the stuff I was on... which was nothing in both cases.

Hey... To anybody that gets sick to the stomach at the thought of turning wastewater into drinking water.. Fuck you.  I'm sure I've said this before, but seriously.  Fuck you.  Basically all the water we drink has been piss at some point.  Stop acting like you're going to turn on the tap and chunks of shit are going to start spewing out.  What people really want is Coca Cola to be running out of their tap so we can all grow our asses out.  At that point, we'll do away with cars and hop and bounce on our butts to get around or we'll just be too fat to get around and die.  Somebody should life cycle assess that.  "A Comparative Life Cycle Analysis of Automobiles and Fat Asses: Effects on Climate Change."   PhD here I come!

Wind

Today was windy. (win-day). It was awful. It wasn't so bad early in he morning. Sort of blew around a bit, pushed my hair around, and just blew. 2 hours later, my boss comes in... and she looks like she's been riding a motorcycle without a helmet. Totally hip. Absolute new wave fashion. Ok, no major issues yet.. I leave work and realize... it's prettttty darn windy. As I'm crossing the street, the wind catches my right leg and blows it into my left leg. When has that ever happened? So I need to cross the street at an angle to make myself walk straight.. because he wind is being an asshole. The wind starts blowing at my back now.. and this is really messed up because it feels like I don't know how to walk. I catch a glance of myself in a window and see that the wind has blown the bottom of my jacket upwards and now has it pressed against my lower back.. so my ass is showing because it was assless chaps day at work... so the wind is a pervert, but whoever saw it got a good show. So I get to my car and I need to keep my door from being blown into the car next to me.. I get in and drive home... The wind is pushing my car all over the place.. At this point I was thinking, "ok, this is how it's going to be... so hit me, wind." in my mind I thought I'd be able to fly somehow... but nothing like that happened. The wind actually calmed down. As I drive through my neighborhood, I notice allllll the trash cans have been blown over. This puts a smile on my face for some reason... until I only see the recycle bin in front of my house. Ok... Hm.. Maybe creepy old dude pulled it in already. So I roll the recycle bin in and.... No, there's no trashcan. So... Ok. Maybe... A neighbor took it in by accident... but people aren't that stupid... Hm..... Oh, I know. The wind is an asshole. Maybe it blew my trashcan a couple houses down near the mailbox (there was a trashcan stuck against he mailbox). No. It's not mine. My trashcan has a bag of Cheetos stuck to the bottom of it, this one is too clean.. Maybe... It's the trashcan alllllllllll the way down the street. You know the one 300 ft away from where it should be... Let me go check that one... and sure enough.. When I looked inside, there was the bag of Cheetos. So.... The wind managed to blow the shit out of my trashcan until it went all the way down the street. There were two things on my mind as I rolled the trashcan back:

1. How ridiculous it must've looked to see a giant empty trashcan get blown down the street
2. Why couldn't the wind wait until I was in the trashcan to blow it down the street

Ok... It's late. Goodnight moon. today was FUCKING windy.

writing by a writer

I have nothing to write about... but one of my old writing teachers told me to write something everyday if I wanted to become a good writer... and he would be fairly upset that I was writing about writing something everyday and using 'write' in various forms over and over again.... and that's how this one's going to be written. 

That's all I wrote... or if you want, "wroted." 

Anyway... I'm going to try to find this paper I wrote about books so my weird old guy up stairs can read it.

Grass

Me?  I took the road more traveled... except I stumbled, lurched, got way too hopped up on good vibes and ran, then I fell down and hurt my knee, but then it healed up pretty quick, so I was on my feet again, but then I realized I was lost... and I was on the road less traveled... suddenly this bear shows up and takes a massive shit in front of me.  F'.... this....

Or just listen to what my mom says... "Eat less. You're getting fat. What are you eating for dinner?" 

I replied with, "Ok, I'm having some air and dust for dinner... they go really well together."  The things that make my mom laugh aren't really that funny...

No fish with red wine?  What I've learned is.. Eat what you like and drink what you like.  Rich people like delicacies... but a lot of them really taste like shit.  Here's a hint to any rich people reading this... other rich people are delicacies.  Go eat each other.. and do it quick... the Occupy people are killing too much grass... both forms.

"Sir, are you aware that you're racially slurring your speech? How many drinks have you had tonight? "

The loudest thing

There are three smoke detectors right around the doorway to my room.  I don't really understand why there needs to be three... but whatever.  One of them started beeping today so I guess that was a sign to change the battery... which I did.... but it still felt it was necessary to beep at random intervals.  The smoke detector is now on the floor without a battery... and a bunch of wires are hanging out of this hole in the roof.  But the beeping stopped. 

Now... I live with the constant fear that "somebody" is going to burn the house down... and no, me putting "somebody" in quotes doesn't mean it's me.  Luckily I still have 66.7% of the smoke detector setup to be louder than a whale fart when something's burning.  That's the loudest thing I could think of.

Monsters

Some people look like monsters. You aren't fooling anybody... You're a monster... I wish I was a monster. Horns, green skin, sharp teeth, red convertible, big dream house on a hill, and an endless supply of bones for me to chew on and club people with.

I'm trying to figure out whether I should hate a person who cooks chicken in the oven and makes it smell like burnt cookies... or admire them for making chicken smell like burnt cookies.

Hey, people with autocorrect problems... You know, the embarrassing ones that get posted all over the internet. Take a second to look over what you're writing or like... Look while you type. Unless you're drunk texting your parents about dinner you really have no excuse. I'm writing this with one of apple's seands nitty devices and you don't see me talking about vaginas, menstural bleeding, and cheap slutty hookers when you actually meant viagra, metaphysical bonding, and expensive slutty hookers.

I remember seeing some Benny Hill thing where a guy could refill his beer with a remote... The best part about it was it was all in Chinese. I experienced this, minus the remote... I just thought I finished my beer... But I really didn't. You're finished! Why hasn't that been used as a catchphrase?

People who take pictures of their food need to complete the series and take a picture of their shit. Stop teasing us with the beginning without providing the end... WE NEED CLOSURE!!! I'm sure it ends like some reverse Ugly Duckling where the beautiful thing turns out to be something that makes you want to shove some really sharp carrots into your eyes. Your shit is like a monster man... I don't want to see it now.

Nelfon Iei

Hello, I am Nelfon Iei.  My email is pie.nelfon@gmail.com.  Feel free to email me about pies and stuff.  It's way cool.  I'm really into pies.  So drop me a line and mention apple pies, peach cobbler, lemon ass, and diarrhea.  But don't because somebody screwed up my name sooooo much that this is what they had recorded in their system.  It's my fault really.... I don't enunciate.  But, Nelfon... NELFON!? ahaahahha... I can't get over that.  I totally spelled it out for her too.  Now... if this wasn't so brilliant I think I'd be slightly upset.... but this IS brilliant.  Nelfon.  It's totally new wave.  Kids in 2020's are all going to be named Nelfon.  Oh. and my last name... let me write that lower case style... it's 'iei'.  At first I thought they had Lei.  Which... I guess is close... I mean it sounds chinky enough to be Chinese so whatever.  I don't even know how to pronounce iei... I'm guessing it sounds like some sort of shriek Japanese girls let out when they're fighting.  But this is really... reallly really really really really realylalrellreyylllere erleally realy reallyre erlalreallyyeryalrye... really the greatest thing ever along with all the other things i've mention as being the greatest thing ever.  I even told the customer service lady not to change the name on the address label because I thought it was way funny.  So... in about a week... I'll be receiving a package for Nelfon Iei.  When I open it the feds will be on my ass because it's all sorts of illegal to open mail not addressed to you.

Anyway... 70 is one more than 69... so do that next time. 

Oh... and they had my telephone number down wrong too.  It was one of those freak numbers with 8 numbers instead of 7.  So yeah... telephone orders.... it was basically like that stupid game you play as a kid.... purple monkey dishwasher.

Facebook Vol. 1

Facebook is wonderful.  It helps you keep in touch with people you don't really care about.  It also lets people share things.  Things from ilovejesusonline.com... which sounds kind of dirty to me.  Hey, what's with the 'online' bit too?  ilovejesus.com works wayyyy better.  Anyway... Read this (Replace "Me" with somebody else that's into this stuff):

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won't get mad
... ... ... ... [I don't know why the hell these are here.... yes, I said hell.]
God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean? [Yes... God uses 'u' instead of you... or it's short for, 'you little dipshit.' It's understandable then.]

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
[seriously... these are the worst things to be asking God about... My foot massager won't work? That sucks because I actually have feet to massage and it feels great.  Those little crippled shits are missing out.  I also missed a call... when the hell is this a problem?  Go home charge your phone and call the person back.  Oh, and the sandwich... My fucking sandwich had tomatoes because some Satanist was making it... it didn't have the urine and rat feces like I had asked.  and my car took longer than usual to start... but it did start eventually and I wasn't even late to work.. even after waking up late.. Dude... I woke up late.  That's something God needs to worry about?  How about every morning you set your alarm and wake up and not bother God with senseless shit like this.. or you can worship Satan and he'll get you up every morning way early with a spike up your ass.]

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
[this is amazing... is that what goes on when I sleep in? I should wake up late more often]

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
[I thought this line was going to be special or something because God.. is all in caps.  Hey, why not make sure Mr. Drunk takes a cab home?]

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
[This guy is so special that God looks after him for some reason... but come on God... he had to wait.]

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
[holy fuck.... bcuz?  This one is really weird... somebody was going to lie about something I said... and now I'm covered. Covered from what? Did I just buy insurance?]

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
[is that how things work?  I really don't actually know... but using something with a short in it will knock out all the power in someone's house? I'm going to spend a day trying to knock the power out using faulty products... I'll probably electrocute myself before anything good happens.]

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...



Guh... Bullshit.  Now.... let's do this alllll over again. Properly this time.

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: I love that you used 'You' instead of 'you.'  That really turns me on.  So, sure. just don't ask me anything stupid.

Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I'll get mad if I want to.  I'm God, I do whatever the hell I want.  Did you even read the bible? I do some horrible shit when I'm angry... sure you still want to ask me? Now go kill your son.

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God:  Because I'm God.  Gaaah... I knew it was going to be a stupid question.. I just fucking knew it. But please go on, I'll put world hunger off for a little while to listen.

Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Satan has a lovely program with this spike.  That's what I use when I sleep.

Me: My car took forever to start
God: You know.... it's not just me and you in this universe.  You can ask other people for help if you don't know how to work your keys.

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Dude... you're seriously making me angry.

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: I like how you emphasized "DEAD,"  I'm going to kill your dog now.

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
God: Well... where to start.  You woke up late... and that's your own fault.  Again. Satan. Spike. You'll be all set.

Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn't want you to start your car because you were actually drunk and I didn't want two drunk drivers to kill each other.  I need to keep one so I can scare people.

Me: (ashamed)
God: The sandwich....... They made the sandwich wrong because I wanted to feed this starving homeless guy outside.  What's weird is that he's homeless and he doesn't complain to me or ask me stupid questions or anything.  So wait your 2 minutes for them to make your sandwich without lettuce and mayonnaise and I won't give you a heart attack for being such a little shit.

Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead because you shouldn't be driving and talking on your phone.  When the fuck was it so important to take a call whenever you were out?  Did you know there was a time when you could only be reached when you were home?  and let's go back even further to when you couldn't be reached by anybody unless they were in yelling distance.  FUCK! I'm seriously going to kill some people after I'm done talking to you.

Me (softly): I see God
God: Oh and that foot massager... You didn't deserve a relaxing night after you couldn't deal with the most minor shit ever.  But I'm now regretting it because now I have to talk to you about the most pointless stuff... and look! 10 kids just died of starvation.  You stupid fuck..

Me: I'm Sorry God
God: Don't be sorry.  I don't cause world disasters because of the gays and muslims.  It's stupid people like you.

Me: I will trust You.
God: Yeah. You better fucking trust me. I'm God.  Now go kill your son.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
God: Well shit... since you won't kill your son, say goodbye to the world economy, and enjoy having a bunch of freaks 'occupy' things.. FUCK!



I totally get what they're trying to say here.  But do they need to wrap it in this weird layer of crap?  Here's all they need to say... don't be such a stupid fuck and if you can't deal with it, kill yourself.  It's better for the environment. 

uh... ?

"Watch out, he has a golf club."

That's what happens when you wind up outside a bar or restaurant or a combination of both.  Somehow I wound up outside this place where they had rules for drunk people.  No fighting was one of them.  For whatever reason, there was this one rebellious drunk.  Total "What do you got?" rebel.  Suddenly you're in a weird scene out of a movie where people are stumbling around trying to beat each other up like a bunch of purple zombies.  One dude starts throwing rocks.  Somehow one of them winds up with a golf club... and this all after a couple friends inside were arguing whether or not a snake on a dude's face was real or not.... it turned out to be real... but then a fight broke out outside.

So, "What out, he has a golf club." was my cue to wake up.

How messed up is that?  That as a dream is the weirdest thing ever... Friends?  I don't really have friends.

Giants vs. Patriots

Of course the Giants are going to win.  Don't be stupid.  Unless the Patriots have some little kid named David who spends too much time playing with rocks, the Giants are going to win.  I really don't think they do have a kid named David on the team.  They have people named like... Washington and Jefferson and Franklin or some crap like that.  So Giants win.  Next week they'll face the Mutant Space Monsters and it won't be too pretty for the ol' Giants. 

Wait.. was Goliath a Giant?  I just checked on wikipedia and the dude was like.. 6 foot something.... and there's a picture of a kid holding up the severed head of Goliath.  How messed up is that?  You know what. F- it.  Patriots win because they'll bring cannons and dead British people.  Oh... and that little flute, drum, and flag waving number can't be stopped either.... man... I really want to kill somebody with a rock and cut off their head now.  Gah!  Look what I just read... "The biblical account describes Goliath as falling on his face after he is struck by a stone that sank into his forehead."  Sank into his forehead.  Screw that.  I'm rewriting this part of the bible:

David and Goliath were always playing practical jokes on each other.  One day, Goliath switched David's milk with some gross nasty chunky spoiled milk.  David took a sip of the spoiled milk and got diarrhea for 7 straight days.  Goliath spent the 7 days laughing.  David wouldn't be pranked like that, so while Goliath spent 7 days laughing... David planned his revenge.  The only way to counter 7 days of diarrhea would be to strike Goliath in the stones... with a stone.  So as Goliath stood in the middle of the town laughing, David picked up a stone, placed it in his sling, and aimed for Goliath's genitals.  However, upon seeing Goliath's dangling coconuts with king crabs and all sorts of other coastal sea creatures jingle jangling about with each boisterous laugh, David had to turn his head to vomit.  Upon doing so, the stone slipped... and lodged itself deep inside Goliath's forehead.. and you could see his brains and shit... and yeah. Goliath shit himself too because he was holding it for 7 days because he was too busy laughing.  Uh... irony or something... because David was in the bathroom so long that he basically had to pay rent.  Oh... and then the town was super happy and made David king or prince or something.. because the town loved an asshole. King of the assholes..  And Goliath turned out to be a guy that was like 6' 8" or something... and nobody liked him because he was different... and Chinese.  So David became king... I don't actually know what happened.  But because this is the bible... God screamed down and said... "You fucking retards. Stop being so stupid. Stop acting like assholes.  And stop painting me as an old man."  With that said... God brought Goliath back to life and they went for ice cream with half the town covered in shit.

God wins the Super Bowl... with zombie Brett Favre at quarterback.

Superbowl

Or is it?

A Guitar

Really? Perrysburg, OH. That's where my guitar is now? I imagine it's the sort of place where you need to fart to make it smell better. You know.. the sort of place where you get so angry that you're actually in a place called 'Perrysburg' you vomit in the streets. I just googled "perrysburg oh" and the majority of the pictures are of houses, hotels, and one picture of a Best Buy. What's that supposed to mean? Well, before jumping to any conclusions, I googled "anaheim ca," which is the greatest city in the milky way galaxy.. and got lots of images of Disneyland and it's weird freak mutated brother that Walt kept in the basement forever, Disney's California Adventure. So.... from the looks of it... and using my shitty logic... the best thing about Anaheim is Disney shit (I believe it's the Mexicans, but whatever google). So, the best thing about Perrysburg, OH is... the houses, hotels, and one Best Buy. If I ever pick up a hooker I'll have to say, "We're not going to any hotel... we're going to one in Perrysburg, OH." and their eyes will light up with joy and their crotch will start glowing this gross shade of green because they picked up some horrible space STD and I'll say, "Damn, bitch! Get the hell out off my Segway."


That's why I'll never buy a Segway... but I bought a guitar.