Tomato head

I'm afraid to do my laundry.  I'm terrified.  I know for a fact that the old man did his laundry yesterday because I heard the washing machine spinning around like a coked up ballerina.  That means... my detergent was used... So I'll go up stairs throw my clothes in the washing machine... turn to the detergent... and it'll be sprinkled all over the place like some tap dancing bastard was in there practicing his moves while holding the box open.. and we're getting awfully simile heavy here.. So, if I do my laundry, I'll get ever so slightly irritated.. but if I don't... I'll have to wear clothes with this sharp chinese musk on them with a hint of mexican hot sauce and burger fat..  That doesn't quite appeal to me that much.

I went to go buy eggs and green onions today.  There's this huge puddle that forms in front of my house because the drainage is stupid.  Some family was out walking in the rain or something.. and the kid was standing next to the puddle.. and the mom was like, "Ok, just jump in the middle and let's get going."  So I smiled at the kid... the mom gave me a wave because I didn't run her kid over...... probably should've nerded out on them and told them about all the shit that's in runoff.. but that's for another time I guess.  hope the kid doesn't get sick too... I don't think I've seen a white person more red than that kid.  Crazy little tomato head... i love tomatoes... so it was like in cartoons when the hungry guy pictures his buddy's head as a roasted chicken... I saw the kid's head as a tomato.. which is probably why I went to get eggs... oh.... more than half the egg cartons at Safeway looked like somebody smeared shit all over them..

Pants in socks

Google changed the way things looked.. it's different.  I hit this triangle at the bottom of the screen and the text box expanded wayyyyy out... and the triangle disappeared.  So now I have to write on this huge white rectangle and I can't change it back..  I hate white rectangles.... is that a weird thing to hate?  Ok... I also hate Chinese people.  There.  Something weird and something normal.. and we're totally zen or something now.

What I like about whiskey is you get a history lesson on the bottle.. the lesson is mostly about whiskey.. and old dead people that made whiskey.. stuff like that.  The important bits of American history they don't teach you in class.  Here's what I learned...

Andrew Jackson?Asshole..

George Washington?  OG Brit killer that'll chomp you with fake teeth.

James Polk?  He had glass hair that'll really stab the shit out of you if you try to make a paper mache (accents are invisible) version of his head.

Martin Van Buren?  Mutton Chops.

Abraham Lincoln? He shoots bullets out of his head or something.. freed the slaves with that trick.  Also marfan syndrome.

... I'm done.

Here's some stuff from my boss:

This is some sort of doodle she drew on a summary of a report I wrote for her...

this tells me she's bored when she reads my writing so I should really sex it up and colorize it.  Here's my writing in technicolor:

"In order to stop the evil forces of groundwater contamination, our daring hero must eliminate the pollutants in groundwater.  Soil type and naked girls and stormwater characteristics and naked boys ALL factor into contaminant destruction.  Areas with more pervious soils and sex or a high water table face the highest risk of contamination and space monsters.  Contaminants may undergo physical, chemical, or biological removal or even mutations to become super space monsters!!!! depending on the selected contaminant control methods... like lasers. PSHOO! Removal can occur through pretreatment processes, lasers!  PSHOO!! retention/infiltration areas, and the mega death ray our hero must find to destroy the evil doers to save the world, or as stormwater percolates through the soil... and sex."

Here's something that was written at the end of the summary...

At first I thought it said "Am I corned?" at the end... but.. it actually says "Am I correct."  I use my brain sometimes.

Whiskey was one thing... then I saw this... and had to buy it...

Do I have to explain anything here?

 Oh... the point of me writing today was the other intern asked the boss if there was any sort of dress code for the presentation we're giving...my boss says that we should wear something nice... but she turns to me and says, "Nelson, you don't need to dress up." Like she thinks I'm going to show up in a tuxedo or something... or I don't know... My only question was, "Do I have to tuck in my shirt?" and the answer was yes... so, nuts.. although I know what I can wear and not have to tuck anything in... and still abide to their "rules." well... maybe i'll have to tuck my pants into my socks. Total class.

Smells

I was grabbing a banana... not a euphemism.. and I noticed that the red light on the water boiler was on.... so that means the old man refilled the boiler.  So good....  It's still not going to be full when I need to use it.... you know what... I shouldn't empty the thing out.. I should leave just enough to make half a cup of coffee... so... until I have a really bad day or I'm extra grumpy some morning.

He did come home.. slap on some really old man smelling aftershave or something and left... so now I'm thinking.. when I'm old... is my deodorant and stuff going to be the scent of an old man?  I already think Axe smells weird... although I've only really smelled one of the scents.... and that was because my friend spray it in my car to high the smell of marijuana..

I'm talking about a lot of smells this week.. so to add to it the Governor's Mansion smelled.  It smelled so bad that I thought I stepped in dog shit so I had to check under my shoes.. but nothing was there.. which brings me to the time I did step in dog poop.. somehow there was dog poop on the stairs at my high school.. and I stepped in it because I wasn't really expecting dog poop to be there.. so I stepped in it.. and at the time I was a freshman and my brother was a senior.. so I sat around in his first period class.. and I dragged my shit covered shoe all over the classroom.. and when we all realized I stepped in dog poop, I went out to drag my feet around in the grass... and the teacher made my brother clean the poop off the floor... because he was my brother.

Aaaaannnnnd... that's love.


Oh.. Last night.. around midnight I got this sent to me:

"Suspect in high speed pursuit from Yolo Sherriff possibly in area of Orchard Park. Suspect left vehicle at Russell Blvd and SR113. Suspect is black male adult.  Police are currently searching the area. Call 911...." blah blah blah..

then... 40 minutes later:

"Officers searched Orchard Park and surrounding area with negative results."

Thanks for letting me know the police didn't do anything, UC-Warn Me. At least down south you get a high speed chase about every month.. or if people are feeling not so law abiding, every week.. but in the end the suspect gets bitten by a dog and gets arrested.

Incense (joss sticks)

When I was little my mom told me that the purpose of burning incense was to send your prayers and messages up to the heavens. So when my grandparents went off to move into some sort of Chinese thug mansion... we lit up some incense... and we burned a whole bunch of other stuff to send up to the heavens too... a giant house, a mercedes benz, a couple of servants, clothes and stuff, tons of hell money and gold and silver.. and this is one of those "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody," things.. so I'm going to stop.

Well... this all started because the old man likes to light up incense that smells like Chinese temple grade stuff (that means it's cheap).

Dude... he came home today as I was out in the kitchen getting some water.... and he kept letting out these little quick short breaths like he was about to lift something really heavy. So I go ahead and say, "Hey." when he walks into the kitchen and he says... "Worked with 4th graders today..." then he lets out one of those breaths.. "huuugh... 4th graders are a lot of fun but they're tiring." I said, "yeah.." and left. I mean... I could've said, "What were they doing?" but I'd get some boring answer like, "Oh you know.. just running around." So, saying, "Yeah." and walking away is the best option.. there is a small possibility that he might have said, "This little shit came up to me and said, 'Can you help me with my math?' but I can't get my head around that stuff.. you probably can... the plus signs are at an angle... who knows what sort of crazy things they're up to."

I give him too little credit.. which I think I can justify... it's mostly because the water boiler was empty again this morning. I mean.. if the thing is full, he's using more than a liter of hot water. That's a lot of hot water.. I want to just empty it out whenever he refills it just so he doesn't have any hot water... but what the hell am I going to use all that hot water on? I can splash it all over my genitals to see how gonorrhea feels after it's healed and I spill hot coffee on my junk.

Another thing the old man was complaining about was his beer. Weird thing to complain about... but it is the old man.. He was telling me he couldn't buy dark beer because he would have two of them in the afternoon and he would get really tired... now... I'll give you a second to think about what's wrong with that... ok? ready? There's nothing wrong with the beer.. but he has two and gets tired.... not one... two! Now.. if it were me.... I just wouldn't drink two beers. Bang! Problem solved! But for him... some strange outside force is making him drink two beers... he has to... he's compelled to drink two beers..... and he gets tired.. so his solution? Buy lighter beer... and still drink two. So he drinks Stella now...

Wait... this was supposed to be about incense..

Here:

A dream: The Suit

In this dream Nelson tries to buy a suit but the suit store didn't
have suits because it was Sears and they only had swimming trunks
which Nelson wanted even though Nelson doesn't know how to swim but
they looked like a hippie stoner's hoodie so Nelson wanted them to
look like this gross looking bum with swimming shorts that were black
and purple with hints of blue and yellow with bits of marijuana all
over it but Nelson decided not to buy the shorts he decided to steal
the shorts so after sitting around on the floor for a while Nelson
took the shorts and left and then Nelson had to hide in an Indian bar
with a guy for some reason and soccer was on the television and that
was the dream Nelson had.

I was looking through this report while putting together my
presentation. I'm rereading stuff to make sure everything is right,
which was fine, until I came across this phrase:

"very slightly greater"

This is the writing equivalent of wearing two pairs of pants at once.
I mean... I know what they're trying to say.. but it just doesn't
sound good.

"Slightly greater...?" fine.... Very slightly greater!? NO.
"Very slightly...?" fine....sort of.... Very slightly GREATER!? No.
"Very greater?" Absolutely new wave!!!

"The one robbers stoled the cash paper to became very greater rich."
"I'm very greater at this than the you of two all one."

So... no. Just no. If you like using "very" with things... may I
suggest using "very not?" Now this... is as new wave as you can get.
"That's very not good." "I feel very not well." Works best with
positive words. Mainly "good" and "well."

Oh. I stepped on my headphones and scratched the shit out of them...
plus it was all rainy so I'll have to see if they work after they get
wet. I know something that works when it's wet... a Slip 'n' Slide...
I think my cousin had one but I don't think I've ever had a slide on
it.. but if I did I probably would've gone down it in my underwear or
some really sexy shorts that showed a lot of thigh.. What? I was like
6 and my mom was still dressing me with stuff from the 70's and early
80's. My mom dressed my brother and I in some really really......
let's say, creative attire. Byt=,,,,..... but that's best left for a
another tie time. i've decided not to use the backspace key there.
it's too far and it's i'm too tired.

Arms

I'm standing in front of the mirror thinking, "did my arms grow 2 inches longer?" So then I look down... The hole in my shoe is definitely growing.

A dream: Mexico

Ok.  This is messed up.  I just dreamt that I went to Mexico with my brother and the girl that cries when she reads this showed up.  I was back home and somehow I wound up on this sled tied to a bike that my brother was riding... and we were going to mexico.  When we got to mexico he had to park the bike or something.. so the girl that cries when she reads this showed up.  So.. pretty normal so far...... to me at least.  Now it gets gross.  I had to pee.  So I go into a public bathroom... barefoot for some reason... and I look in the toilet and there's two leaches and a tapeworm.  Right........ it's bad enough that I went in barefoot.  Then I go ahead and pee... but i'm there for like... 2 minutes.. annd the toilet is leaking on the floor... and i'm barefoot.  After that I went back to the ol' recurring theme of ripping out an endless source of chewing gum from my mouth.  After I woke up from that... I played soccer with the people from The Office.  O...... K......

There.

Oh. and I should mention that the girl cries from laughter... which I find offensive because I try to write about serious subject matters full of passion and stuff... and they're supposed to tug at your metaphorical heart strings and really get you grooving on some sad emotion things.... stuff and/or something......  Broccoli sandwich.  I've just decided that the broccoli sandwich is one of the weirdest sandwiches you can make.

Old man VII: The conversation

This is a conversation that I never really thought I'd be a part of... Three lines.  Three simple lines...

Old man:  Hey Nelson.
Me: Hey.
Old man: Eh, not too much.


And that... is how it went. Word for word.

A phone call

My mom calls.... blah blah blah....

Mom: "You need to buy a suit for your interviews."
Me: "I think I'll get a grey one."
Mom: "No, it should be black or dark blue."
Me: "Can I get a yellow suit?  I'll wear it with a red tie."
Mom: "No that doesn't match.  You can wear a red tie with a black suit."
Me:  "Ok.  I'll get rainbow pants and not wear a shirt."
Mom: "Do you think you're a movie star or in a band or something?"
Me:  "ahahaha... Who dresses like that?  Nobody dresses like that.  Ok.  I'll go naked, but I'll wear oven mitts... How do you say oven mitts in Chinese?"
Mom:  "Chinese people don't use oven mitts.  They use towels."

Mom: "You forgot all your Chinese culture."
Me: "No.. there's the dynasties and the guy that taught us to use pig penis and bear penis for medicine."
Mom: "You have your facts wrong.  He taught people to use plants and grass as medicine."
Me: "You mean marijuana?"

Me: "What happens when Chinese people have twins?"
Mom: "They kill one of them."
Me:  "Really!?"
Mom: "I don't know... go on google."
Me: "What if I find out they eat them?"



I act like such a maniac sometimes..

Hungry games

So I may be mistaken... Someone else just posted:

"Just finished reading hungry games.. :)"

Apparently I'm missing something. Did I miss something? I don't know. Somebody watched the movie and used this title... Now somebody read the book and used the same title... So im guessing at some point in the book and the movie the words "hungry games" are mentioned. Now if this is some clever marketing thing to get me to read the book or watch the movie to make sure i have my facts straight, i wont fall for it.... Unless beer is involved. Thats all I have to say about the matter.

Hunger games

Somebody posted this on Facebook:

"two thumbs n two big toes up for the hungry game!!!!! :)"

Since when did this week turn into Try to Make Nelson Throw Up Week? I mean... I'm prone to mistakes too, but come on... You watched a movie you enjoyed and instantly got the title wrong. Unless there's something in the movie about hungry games, then I'm the stupid one.

Here's the first edition of... A Movie Review of a Movie I haven't Seen. ( catchy title right?)

The Hunger Games
This movie is from a book by somebody. It's getting a lot of hype that I'm not really following, but its getting throw in my face like monkey poop. It's probably a great movie, but at the same time it's shit because somebody who watched the movie didn't feel that it was necessary to get the title right. "Hey, I just watched this movie about a guy in a fedora with a whip and his crazy adventure.. it's great! It's called Kansas Parker and the Castle of Dum." Go find that movie and watch it. If it turns out to be porn, I'm sorry.. But do go see the movie or read the book or something... just get the title right whether you like it or not and I won't feel like throwing up a lung.

Boiled Water

Gah.  Can he go more than 24 hours without doing something to annoy me... He said six words to me, "Hey" and "Looks like rains coming in." I responded with, "Hey" and "yeah"... it's totally a hit song if you merge the words and drop some letters and add a space.... but that's not what annoyed me... apparently he uses the water in the water boiler to fill his pot... so he can boil his broccoli or brussel sprouts.. and also apparently it's spelled "brussels sprouts." 

So he fills his pot with boiling water... and pops the stove on high to get his water boiling even longer.  Why does this annoy me?  He's in no rush to get his shit boiled so he doesn't need to start with hot water from a water boiler.  Seriously.  It's fucked up.  I'm going to say it again... fucked up.  If this is the reason I need to wait to have tea in the morning then fuuuuuck that.  His cooking is not based on any sort of system or set times... his system is, make things hot and hooooopefully don't burn it by not watching it.

Fffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.... on a positive note.... chicken is delicious.

Sssssssssss

Uh... the house smelled funny so I opened all the windows and vacuumed downstairs. I also turned my music wayyyyyy up because the old man wasn't around... The only way to make 'Another Girl Another Planet' better, is to listen to it louder... Upstairs is still a bit weird.  I can clean for weeks and weeks and it'll still be the weird.

I just realized that the old man cut the grass... but there aren't any lawn clippings anywhere.. I hope he didn't leave it in the bag.. because that stuff is going to try really hard to go anaerobic and it's going to smell like shit.

Something I thought of today... I should start listening to more hip hop.  I'll take it out to the kitchen with me when I cook so the old man has to listen to it too.  I just want to see what he says about it.  Particularly this part... Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.... from Wu Tang Clan's Enter the Wu Tang (36 Chambers).

Oh.  And there's dog poop all over the sidewalk around here.. or it's poop of something that's trying to be like a dog.

Shower

Things I thought about in the shower:

1.  "You do it... because if I do it, it'll be a hate crime."
2.  "Better let me do it, so it will be a hate crime."
2a.  I need to hire a white guy for some white on white crimes.
3.  Brad Pitt... there's 6 different ways to think about the guy... so take your pick.
4.  Coconuts... I think....
5.  Now I can't remember...

Shouting and apples

Here's a few things that I want to hear people shout out... at any point in time... sorry about the caps if that sort of thing upsets you:

- I HELD MY PEE FOR THIS!!??!
- TAKE THAT URINAL CAKE!
- YOU'RE A SQUIRREL!!!! EAT IT!!! EAT THE NUT! EAT THE FUCKING NUT!!!
- I'M FINE! HOW ARE YYYYOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...?
- SHUT UP! IT'S FLAG DAY!
- TURN UP THE MOZART!


... it was funnier in my head. sorry.

I saw a jobless person sitting outside the market with a family... first three words on the sign were:  "No has job..." or something like that.  What was weird is I saw another guy sitting outside the post office... also with his family, but I didn't read his sign.  Another one downtown was holding a sign and reading a book.  I just found it really odd.

And... that's how my day was I guess.  I got some gourmet soda to drink.  It's green.  Granny smith flavor... I'm not quite sure who decides the names for apples.. fuji apples are at the top of my list though.  And those big delicious or red delicious ones... aren't really delicious... but they're fairly red.. or big... it's one or the other... or neither.. apples are complicated.

My boss walked into my cubicle with a hacksaw then explained the procedures of conducting a pebble count.  We then looked though this pdf report and she clicked something weird and something popped up... so she was like, "Ok, I'm not going to press anything and I'll let you deal with that." then she left.  She's easily one of the coolest people ever.

Gasoline

My right thumb looks horrible.  The skin is peeling all over... so touch me, I have a flesh eating virus or something... but it's only on my right thumb..

I go through the garage to take out the trash.  Today the garage smelled horrible.  It's never smelled before.  I thought, geez... there must be a leak somewhere... and with all the rain, something got wet and it's now giving off this weird wet dog smell... the sort of dog that plays in a chemical plant to get wet.  Of course that's a bit unreasonable. 

The culprit turned out to be an open gas can.  I wasn't exactly sure why it was open, but I closed it and let the garage air out... and knowing me... and how I LOVVVVEEE getting high off of VOCs and stuff...... yeah right. It smelled awful.  I had to pull my shirt up over my nose.  So what the hell... about 2 hours later I found out the Old Man decided to cut the lawn.  I just don't understand how he doesn't notice things like this... Dude.. the shit in the oven is burning... I can smell it in my room and I have my door closed.  Dude... the garage smells like some radioactive dog took a piss in there.  Dude... you didn't put a trash bag in the trashcan after you emptied it out.. and you left your wet coffee grinds and yogurt in there.  Thanks!

Now, he cut the grass because he said it was a good idea to make the house look neater so the meth head wouldn't rob us.  So that's twice he's mentioned the meth head to me and again, he mentioned that he read about it in the paper.  Let's see how the third time goes.  The lazy asshole inside me wants to say he just likes playing house.. even if the house isn't his.  I usually let the landlord take care of the yard work because when I moved in the landlord said, "I'll take care of the yard work."

Oh, he hasn't really burned his dinner recently.  It's been pretty nice.  I think I had to put up with that ever since August or so.  So... took him long enough to figure out heating things may cause them to burn.  My brother and I figured this out when we were little.  We put a piece of bread in the microwave... but instead of putting it in for 10 seconds, we put it in for 10 minutes.... geniuses at work.. boy did that white bread turn black... and boy did the kitchen smell like the awfuls.  I mean... that's how I learned that burning food is bad and it smells.  I tried not to make a daily routine out of it and I'm doing all right with it.


Oh!  I just remembered... the water coming out of the water boiler was brown... What the hell.  I'm not making tea out of that.  I still don't know what he did to make it turn brown too.. My best guess is that he's using his dirty coffee cup to refill the boiler.  That's.... really not cool.  He leaves his dirty glasses out for me to see too.  I get it! You were drinking cranberry juice.................. we're going to get ants in the summer........

Random Old Man event: I hear the front door open.. and he walked into the kitchen while I was cooking... sort of out of breath like he was out for a run or something... but he was wearing his normal clothes. Pants and a sweater. 

The guy is like a living why question.. that's probably what bothers me most.  Why are you out of breath in your normal clothes?  Why don't you notice the smells? Why is the water coming out brown?  Why do you take the trash out at weird hours late at night?  Why do you buy your own dish soap but use my laundry detergent?

And I'll never get the answers to these questions because I'll feel like an asshole if I ask him about it.

I did help him change his password on his computer and for his email.. although I had to explain to him that he would still get spam and those phishing emails from his friends, even if I changed his password.

He mentioned that The Shins were in town tonight and the cheapest tickets were $40... was he trying to go to a Shins concert?






How long was that?  Half a day or something?  I can't go half a day without mentioning something weird the guy does..

Chinese Babies

Chinese babies have round heads.  Like really round heads.  Freaks.

A thought crossed my mind today.. as did several others, but this is the one I present to you:

What happens when Chinese people have twins?  Does the government act like assholes and put one up for adoption or eat one or... what happens?  Looks like I have questions next time I run into a fob.

A Joke

Today's "joke" from the old man... by the way, old man doesn't mean my dad.. uh... so here's the joke.

I work in downtown sacramento.  Sometimes the old man works in sacramento as a substitute teacher.  Today, we left at the same time, and the old man held the door open for me.  I said, "Thanks."  He said, "Have a nice day."  I almost ignored him, but I said, "You too."  There, that's a nice little back and forth for you.. it was nice until Old Man decided to add, "I'll follow you.. HAHAHA........ I'm joking."

So piss to that.  Seriously, I spent the next 5 minutes thinking about how terrifying it would be to have this guy following me around.. and he said, "I'm joking." Which I guess would be funny if he knew how creepy he is sometimes, but I don't think he does.  Plus, I'm slightly paranoid because he told me some meth head was trying to break into houses in my area... so I'm thinking, "Stop inviting your weird friends over and don't let them walk around the neighborhood when they need a fix."

Saturated Zone

The saturated zone is a pretty cool place.  If you play your cards right, you can get some pretty good water out of it.. or you can open up a dry cleaning place or a military base and contaminate the shit out of it.  It's cool like that....

I, unfortunately, came across these words:  "Ground Water Rocks!"  Below those words:  "Saturated Zone Groundwater Song."  and it's totally a link and you can totally click it and you can totally listen to the song!  I saw this at around 9:30am while at work.... So, I had to wait until now to finally hear the song... So I'm going to make you wait too.


I got an email from the HR lady saying if you work for more than 6 hours, by law, you are required to take a 30 minute lunch break... which I think is stupid.  I have to punch out and punch in again... I don't even eat lunch at the office, I had a meeting with my boss that ran late.  I would like to have that law amended or something... because if I want to skip lunch and work myself to death then let me do it.  I also get a 15 minute break every 4 hours... that I don't need to punch in and out for.  Oh... cubicles are stupid too...



So I get home.  I go to the website:

www.agwt.org

nice place I guess... that children's book is seriously one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  gah... my 3rd grade teacher gave me or my brother a children's book about engineers... wish i still had that somewhere.. cool... then I clicked on the song.  Spent three minutes listening to it or however long it is.. it's some sort of weird jazz or something.. I don't know.. and now... I'm depressed.  I'm just so let down that somebody thought, "This is a grrrrreat idea!  Tony, isn't this a great idea? You're gosh darn right it is, Tony."  Why Tony?  Why???  I'm not sure why it's Tony's fault... I don't even know if Tony was involved..... anyway, I don't care how high you are, a song about groundwater is not a good idea.  It's supposed to be used as a teaching aid or something.. and seriously, if I were a kid and I heard this, I would start throwing up or I would pull my pants down and poop on the teacher's desk... I'm fucking depressed now you shit!


Is that how depressed people behave?  Seriously... I wish I could just vomit right now.  That's how the song makes me feel.

Bill Belichick

So, I had a dream where this guy was my coach. He was holding a glass of whiskey in one hand and a clipboard in the other. Now, when I say "a glass of whiskey" that's what I mean. It was a glass filled right up to the top. At halftime we drank beer. I had to poop during the game, so I went to ask ol' Bill if I could go to the bathroom and he wasn't wearing any pants. I later asked another player why he wasn't wearing any pants and apparently the kicker on the other team made him spill his whiskey.

Looking back at it now.. I caught a ball.. But I'm pretty sure I was playing defense.. So that means it was an interception and I was running in the wrong direction. Well... They gave me the touchdown anyway.

Yellow people market

Like I said before... my shoulder hurts. 

My mom called me to see how I was doing and I told her.... I'm fine blah blah blah blah and my shoulder hurts. 
She said, hopefully you didn't overexert yourself and nothing's wrong with your muscles...
I said, my muscles are fine, I think there's something wrong with my bones.
She said... ok, good.

Totally should've asked her where I could get some bear penis... Chinese medicine is mostly comprised of penis.

We went on to talk about vegetables.  Mainly asian ones.  I told her I can't get them at the american supermarket, I have to go to a yellow people market.  She felt that it was necessary to correct me and said they were called oriental markets.  I told her, no... they're all yellow people markets.

VHS

Ok.... between now and the last time I wrote something certain things... I almost wrote cretain.... well certain things may OR may not have been consumed.  Also between now and the last time I wrote... certain fumes may have been inhaled.  I was thinking... VOCs aren't all that bad................. righhhhht???  The glue stick I've been using is great.  Very low emmitance of VOCs... unless you're really close I guess.

Ok.  A VHS tape.. consists of 21 parts... actually... 22. hold on... i need to recount this.... just pretend it's 2000 again.  recounts are totally in.... Yep... totally 22.  21 of them can be removed.... So I'm a bit torn... if you still use VHS tapes.... good. As an environmental engineer (read... better than scientist) I can appreciate that.  But.... 22.. vs.. I guess the two parts that make up a DVD... that's pretty darn efficient.  I honestly had no idea it was 22 parts... and that's me counting each reel as a single piece.. it's F'd up.  F'd UP!  I wish I could make the F bigger... let me know if this works.... F'd up!

Anyway... I opened up a VHS tape for the purposes of this art that I'm stealing from somebody else.  The design is pretty cool.  I'm talking about the VHS tape.... I mean... not because it takes 22 parts to make... but because of the care it takes to put these things together.  22 pieces isn't any sort of cake walk.... (notice how they don't call it a pie walk)...  but both reels are gears... one can't rotate without the other rotating... and that is pretty fantastic.  Sometimes your cassette tapes will get all screwy... and the player will wind up eating the tape.. not with this lovely....... ok forget this...





I'm going to play some Tetris Attack.

Well.... I tried recording myself playing tetris ttack... but i've fialed.. failed. failed Failed. FAILED. you get it.

Idea number 2

Ok. better idea this time.  It won't get the old man to move out, but it will weird him out.

I should either come home or walk out of my room just covered in blood.  Like I've been hacking away and slicing off limbs.  Just covered.  Oh.  Why not throw some bloody handprints on my neck too.  Make it look like a struggle.  And when the old man asks what happened?  I'll just nonchalantly say, "What do you mean?  Ohhhh, the blood.... it's nothing.  Washes right off."  Or.... he already knows I like whiskey.  I can do it in the morning and be like... "Geez... I don't remember anything from last night.. do you know where all this blood came from?" 

The problem here is you'll never find cow blood that smells like human blood..... ha! like I actually know. 

Something I do know is that my shoulder hurts.  I think I fell asleep weird and crushed the shit out of it.  Anyway... I'm going to get some art going.


Somebody posted on facebook saying that they ate some mutant grape that was like 5 grapes stuck together... some guy commented on it saying that they were going to grow an extra toe........... now.... I wanted to point something out to them.. like grapes don't cause extra toes to grow... it takes hard drugs, alcohol, standing next to people getting x-rays, and repeated blows to the stomach during pregnancy.  but I'll let him have his fun.  Also I don't really know the person that well.

An Idea.

Right now?  I spend a lot of my free time thinking about how I can get the old man upstairs to move out.

This is probably falls under the "Fight fire with fire" category..  as in, my problems will turn into this huge flame that I have no control over.  I mean, I think the guy is a weird creep.  So, to make him uncomfortable I have to be even weirder and creepier.  The laws of human nature probably don't allow that.  Wait... are there laws of human nature?

Anyway.... here it is.  It's kind of brilliant actually.

Step 1:  Consume alcohol to be able to put up with more than 3 seconds of conversation with the guy

Step 2:  Politely listen, drop in a few lines to make it seem like you're listening and very very very very very interested in what he has to say.
example:
Old Man:  Nice weather today
Me: Yeah it's nice and sunny, hopefully it lasts...
Old Man: Yeaaaaahhhh....p, we might get some rain later this week though
Me: No fucking way dude!  Who told you that!?
Old Man: That's what the paper says..... I spend 3 hours reading it
Me: Wooaaaaahh!!!  Chill out man, you're being totally off the chain right now
....and so forth

Step 3:  Continue this sort of conversation for at least 10 minutes, repeat Step 1 if necessary

Step 4: Interrupt the old man mid sentence.. preferably if he's complaining about having to go into work and "teach"

Step 5:  Loudly announce, "YOU'RE BOOOOORRRRING THE PANTS OFF ME!!!"
For bonus points, tell him to wait as you get an amp and plug a microphone into it, then tell him about how your pants are loosening from boredom.... turn up the reverb!

Step 6: Drop your pants

Step 7: Politely step out of them and leave... give him the finger or any other obscene gestures you feel apply to the moment.


There's... pretty much two things that can happen after this.  The first thing that could happen is nothing.  Absolutely nothing changes.  The second thing that could happen is he feels it's now ok to walk around pantsless and I need to put up with it.  So.. great.


Back to the drawing board.




Here's part of an actual conversation I had with him:

Old man:  My friend was thinking about buying a $2000 guitar
Me:  Really?  What kind of guitar was it?
Old man:  Oh... I don't know
Me:  Ok, what was it shaped like? A Stratocaster?
Old man:  I don't know.  Maybe.

Me: Well go fuck yourself.... This line I made up.

It's like he thinks I enjoy the sound of his voice or something.  Just saying stuff so he gets a chance to open his mouth.  I mean, yeah, I sound like an asshole and I'm sure he's just trying to be nice... but he's always telling me stuff where I don't really have a response or I can't quite express my opinion on the matter because it's pointless.  Ok.. somebody I don't know is thinking about buying a $2000 mystery guitar.  That's like everybody that walks into a guitar shop.

Tetris Attack

I like Tetris.  I like Tetris a lot.  The only way to make Tetris better is to make it not Tetris, but Tetris Attack.. Sure it has nothing to do with Tetris, but it's like cocaine.  Pure snowy white gum numbing sugar for the honker.  Normal Tetris is just the gateway drug.... of course I get really let down when I turn the AI wayyyyyy up.. and they drop these big fat garbage blocks on me.  I mean.  Fat.  Giant freakish garbage blocks.  Nobody wants to be under those..  or uh... what am I talking about here?  I haven't been this addicted to Tetris Attack since high school...

Old man decided to eat his dinner in the kitchen today.  He's like a wild animal... totally unpredictable, but at the same time very predictable.  I said one word to him, "hey," and didn't make eye contact.  So.... pretty good day?

I feel like I'm coming down with that SAD crap.... but as much as I miss the sun, I know when it comes summer time and the sun starts burning the shit out of things, I'm going to want to throw acid in my eyes because I'm going to see the old man making a sandwich without his shirt on again. 

Space Gangsters

You know how we can get aliens to visit Earth? If we all start shouting stuff like, "Milky Way! Represent!" of course they'll be disgruntled space gangsters... but I think we can take them.

Anyway.... here's The Only Ones:




I would make a great DJ. HA!

Fresh air

I just cleaned and vacuumed my room.  I sprayed this air freshener stuff call, "Seaside Spring & Escape."  Next time I'll just get the bottle of "Fresh Air," but even then it'll have some weird name like, "Mountaintop Nectar Mist with Oxygen."  I would open the window, but it's raining...

Here's stuff about "Rupert":

I cleaned up all the spilled laundry detergent in the laundry room.  I don't even know how you spill laundry detergent.  Well, I know how, but it means you're a retard and I didn't want to say that.

He also manages to spill his coffee everywhere.  There's spots all over the kitchen. 

I remember telling him that the landlord was saying if I knew anybody that needed a place to live I should let them know.  I think the old man said something like, "Well I don't think I know anybody that would move in."  I said, "Good, let's keep it that way."  Could you imagine if there were two of these freaks?  It's bad enough that I need to listen to one 59 year old man complain about how there aren't any girls around.. now if you double that I'm seriously going to leave bear shit outside their doors.

Somebody told me I should make a web comic out of this..  it'll probably be David Rees style with clipart and stuff because I'd probably draw the guy looking like this horrible useless shit monster that I don't like.

Now I hope this is the last thing I have to say about the guy, but I'm pretty sure it won't be. 



PS - The video guy for the Kony thing was caught running around in his underwear and masturbating... it reminded me of Breaking Bad.  Uh... sure hope he's ok though.  Probably not the best kind of publicity you want... but anybody that's supporting the Kony 2012 thing should be unphased... if you are in any way a supporter and feel like you don't want to be a part of this strictly because homeboy got drunk and had too much fun with himself then get the fuck out of my galaxy. 

Dark room

The kitchen light was on, a plate of kidney beans and broccoli sat on the counter. The oven was heating the final piece that would make this a meal, but the old man was nowhere to be seen..

Usually the old man is upstairs in his room doing who knows what... or he's in the kitchen trying to talk to me about the weather.. or some other generic boring stuff that I never have any sort of real response to.

Today, I guess, was special. The old man was sitting on a couch in the dark near the entrance of the house. He sits there a lot. He spends like 3 hours reading the newspaper there sometimes. So, it's fine that he sits there... just turn on the light, dude. You're creeping me out.

Jack Daniel's Sports Bar

I just found out that the Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Sports Bar out in Memphis serves Pepsi. Pepsi! What happens when somebody orders a Jack and coke? Do the servers have to say, "sorry, we only have Pepsi.". How f'ed up does that sound? Jack and Pepsi please... You make me sick! SICK!!!

But I'm sure it tastes the same.

Rain

It's raining today.  I saw a kid walking home in the rain without an umbrella.  I pulled over and said, "Hey kid, need a ride?" After he got in my car... I kicked him the fuck out and said, "Don't ride with strangers you dumb shit."  Then I threw a bottle of pee at him.... ALWAYS have a bottle of pee handy.  For emergencies.


Would it be so wrong to hire somebody to talk to the weird old man upstairs?  He says, "Hey Nelson."  I say, "Don't talk to me... talk to this guy here."  I don't want any person to come in and talk.  I have a very specific image of this person in my head... it's the sort of person who is a black person trapped in a white man's body... or the sort of person who thinks he's black, but their cultural upbringing says otherwise.  Short hair, pants basically between the knees and ankles at all times.  And they have one of those really crazy looking hoodies.  You know, one with a really weird pattern and a bunch of shit on it like you left it out around the outskirts of LA and a bunch of people tagged on it.  Also, a baseball cap with the hoodie... with the hood and cap on at the same time.  Yeah... this is the guy... I want him to use all the slang he knows and what the hell... make up some slang to throw at the guy. 

"Daaaaamn OLD MAN!  Your pants be tree hopping fish planes."
"Your lip bristles look like a child been 'round"
"Pardon me sir... but you be cheese knocking my boy too much."
"Woyeardizzle!"
"Gimme some chin candy homie, my reverse side is Krankin'!"
"Y'all got yams in here? I need sum... YAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMSSSS!!!!!"
"Monkey armed yang bitch."
"Don't be lip trimming your faucet becuz you ain't in the hot dog flood."

So.. if you speak in an equal or greater equivalence...uh...  that makes sense, don't question it..  Drop me a line... I have money for you.

Sleep

I didn't lose an hour of sleep.  I gained one.  Not through any sort of witchcraft or jedi tricks...... something smells like tuna.  Like somebody's making a tuna sandwich in front of me.  This is why I prefer to keep my door closed.  It's either tuna or really aawful coffee. 

Spring.... FORWARD!

It's stupid how we can screw around with time.  Anytime tomorrow between 2:00am and 3:00am will not exist.  That's not f'ing cool.  The only way you can get away with that sort of thing is if you hop in a rocket and fly off in space.. but even then the time still exists.. even if it decides to travel a bit fast or slow depending on how close to the speed of light you are and which end you're on. 

I still don't really understand why we have to do this. 

A few things

Today's urban hike was fairly eventful... but not really. I saw a bunch of dog shit on the pavement; there was a pack of wild asian kids doing whatever the hell asian kids do these days; and the wind decided it was a good time to blow. Really.... I'm beginning to really dislike the wind. There's a nice little motif for you all.


I've lived in this house for almost 2 years now... I've just realized that the picture the owners left on the fridge wasn't of two people kissing.... it's of a frog... and for more than a year, it's been giving me the finger every time walk by the fridge.

I wear shirts. Weird old man upstairs likes to tell me, "Hey... nice shirt." Even when I'm wearing some shitty thing I sleep in. This time, I was wearing a shirt from Burger Records. He says, "Ha! The Burger shirt. You know she has a really nice body, wish she would do something about her hair.." My response... as always... "Yeah." Is that wrong of me? I think it's the nicer thing to do. If I decided to have a conversation with him I probably would've said.. "She has a fucking hamburger for a head and you want her to fix her hair? Are you from space or something?"

Loveless

I just realized people are uploading entire albums to youtube now.. not single songs.. entire albums.

Here's one of my favorites. Loveless. Or I think you're supposed to italicize album titles. So... Here's Loveless.

Here's what somebody said in the comments:
"This album would've been even more ironic if you would have UL'ed this on Valentine's Day. Just Saying."

Here's what I say about that comment:
It's ironic because it was uploaded on February 24... Christian Love Day (I'm as shocked as you are... but that's what wikipedia says).. and also Flag Day in Mexico.


Anyway... buy the album if you liked it.. or continue to wait for the reissue and their next album.... Come on Kevin Shields! My ears need more of that sweet guitar heroin you produce.

Wwwwwwwwwwww

The guitar is fed with whiskey.
The art is fed with wine.

Kony 2012

All I want is for people to think for themselves. I don't care what your opinion is as long as you thought about it and formulated it for yourself. Don't follow any sort of media or hype. Express what you feel and not what others tell you. If it's your opinion and truly yours... I can respect that even if I don't agree with it. THINK! Use your fucking brain!



Any publicity is good publicity right? If you haven't seen this video, watch it. It's about some asshole being a dick and abducting kids to be part of his army or something. The guy's name is Joseph Kony. People want to make him famous. That way he'll be taken down or something.

I spent five minutes to see who Joseph Kony is for myself. Hopefully you've done the same thing. Don't ever follow any senseless drivel without forming an opinion on the subject for yourself by assessing both sides. Basically he's some religious nut. He wants the 10 commandments to be part of the law or something. Kids in his army have to draw crosses or some shit or they get killed. Maybe you're into that sort of thing... if you are... don't ever mistake Sunday for any other day. I believe one of the 10 commandments is "Remember the sabbath." and they aren't talking about Black Sabbath either. So if you forget it's Sunday... BLAM! you're dead.. or sent to jail.. I don't know. Let's thank Gervais for pointing that out.

Here's my take on it. If anybody is actually shocked by what Kony is doing... get your head out of your ass. Shit like this is happening. There's a good possibility that things worse than this is going on. So, skip the whole make him famous step, and get somebody to put a bullet in his head.. or perhaps several bullets in areas other than his head. Done. I'm sure you can hire an assassin somewhere.

Spending $15 to get a bracelet and a box of stickers isn't the right way to go about something like this. Seriously... what does that really do? To me, it's just a bunch of people thinking they're making a difference, but they really aren't accomplishing anything. Occupy movement all over again... When's the last time you saw some graffiti, a sticker, or a lawn sign and then went home to figure out what was going on? Whenever I go to work I pass by something that says, "infowars.com." I still don't know what the fuck infowars.com is because I don't really feel like I need to see what it is. It's just spray paint to me. So all this spray painting and slapping stickers all over town.. do it if you want, just don't feel like you're actually doing something to bring this guy down. And who decided on 4-20 as the date? Nobody is going to be out at night after spending the day in a warm fuzzy haze of green goodness........ I don't really know what people do on 4-20, but I know marijuana is involved at some point. And hey, if you do put up some spraypaint or a sticker, once the guy is brought down, go back and take the sticker down. Even after Kony is killed or put to trial, I don't want to look at a bunch of shit reminding me of this asshole. Really, wouldn't it be better if you could spend the $15 on the African army clamping this guy's balls in a bear trap? By the way... people ARE after him as we speak.. probably without bear traps... I would gladly donate $15 to get his balls in a bear trap. Easiest decision ever.

So if you're going to support this... I want you to know what LRA stands for, I want you to know what Joseph Kony stands for, and I want you to spend some time to think about this before you all worked up about it. I just want people to think before they commit themselves to something. Use your fucking brain you shit.

On top of it all, I'm going to say that using your kid in the video isn't the best of things. I mean, yeah, it helps you get the point across.... but it brainwashes the shit out of some people. "Aw.... look at the cute kid." Don't listen to the kid you retard. Last time I checked... kids are stupid little fucks. That's why we have to wait until we're 18 to vote. I mean... half the video is about the kid and how him being abducted to join an army would be bad... but I don't want to hear his opinion........ but the bad guys are in Star Wars.

Even after Kony is brought down... remember, the people there still need clean water. If you're so worried about the children, realize that a lot of them don't have access to clean water... and what happens when they don't have access to clean water? They die. I think it's a third of the children that don't survive past the age of 15.... but really look it up yourself. I'm probably wrong anyway. But really... spend a day without water. You'll realize how much you really love it.

Personally I would support Doctor's Without Borders (DWB) and Engineers Without Borders (EWB). Give them a shot if you want to spend some money. But I'm biased.


Here's something you can think about... Would you put a bullet in your head if you knew that after you pulled the trigger... the world would be at peace... everybody would have everything they needed and wanted without any sort of conflict if you killed yourself? My answer would be yes.. and I'd enjoy doing so. But right now I do more good living than dead.

Old Man part 2

I rent a room in a house owned by Chinese people.  It's a really nice house with a bunch of awful looking Chinese decorations all over the walls.  They left their little water boiler here that us Chinks like to use for tea and stuff.  The problem is... it's always empty.  Not because I'm not refilling it.  I keep that thing topped off constantly.  Now, I don't mind waiting a bit for my tea, it gives me time to write some bullshit like this.  So, what I'm going to do is stop refilling it.  Maybe even when it's full I'll empty it out.  That's the only way I can get the old man upstairs to refill the thing.  So yeah.  I'm going to go ahead and say I officially don't like the old man upstairs.  He annoys me.  The only fun I have is when I complain about the stupid shit he does... and that, to me, isn't healthy. 

Maybe I should urine in my laundry detergent too.  He likes using that without asking me.  The answer would be yes if he asked.... but now the answer is going to change to, "no, I've urinated in it."  Urined sounds better.  "I've urined in it and you're a weird old man."

I had a tiny glimmer of hope that the guy would move out when a buddy of his was trying to get him to move to Peru.  True story.

Windy again

My mom tells me I shouldn't curse. I normally don't, but I tell her sometimes you have to. So here it is: Today was mother fucking windy again. It would be that phrase but in Chinese. Oddly enough the slang for this word i use for general cursing actually means "mother's." So it's weird. She says I'm not educated. And that's why my mom is cool.

Please note that this does not give you permission to curse at my mom. I believe I earned the right to do so after living inside her stomach area Star Wars style only to be shot out of her 9 months later Star Trek style.

writing

Writing is just a fancy way of talking to yourself.

Cocaine

I wrote a bunch a crap, but I deleted it because it was boring.

Here's some pictures. It still might be boring.

First picture is chipped paint. Something a brand new guitar should not have.









Second picture is the chipped guitar right before I sent it back to wherever it came from.









Between the second and third picture I placed a whole lot of phone calls to people. I kept hearing this bubbling sound and people screaming for Doritos. Don't worry, that's totally slanderous.

Third picture is the new guitar with a new pickguard. I want people to think it's cocaine... so lots of white. While I'm playing I want people to try and snort my guitar. I just want the opportunity to say, "Woah! Get away from my crotch! I'll sprinkle cocaine on it later." I don't normally get to announce that.

Groovie Goolies

You! Yeah You! do everything in your power to catch an episode of the Groovie Goolies. I don't care which one... any one will work. It's seriously one of the greatest cartoons ever made. Not up to Simpsons caliber... but as far as 70's cartoons this is pretty high up there. You get a couple songs, some really awful/great jokes that are entirely based on puns... AND you get monsters. Personally I would've but the Wolfman on drums, Frankenstien's monster on bass... and Dracula on vocals and guitar... but whatever... Watch this shit if you have any sense in you.

Naps

That nap I took really f'd things up. That's all.

Graphs

95% of the time, there's somebody shitting in the bathroom when I go
in to pee at work. It's really weird. I kind of want to plot this.
Collect some data. Make a graph. You know, figure out the shitting
patterns of the 12th floor. PhD number two here I come!

I went into the musical instrument store today. There were some
Chinese people that wouldn't stop saying watermelon in Chinese. The
girl said one of the amps looked like watermelon skin. I wanted to
tell them to stop saying watermelon.. but the bald guy was groaning so
that was pretty awesome. Tube amps are heavy.

Another old guy moved in across the street. Maybe upstairs old guy
will move in with him.