Gift wrapping paper

I need some gift wrapping paper because I have a pretty awesome idea... It'll probably come out awful... But in my head right now.. It's wonderful.

So...... Gift wrap. I need it. I'll find some tomorrow or something.


I also need to finish sewing my secret thing.. And that sounds dirtier than it needs to be.

Garbage truck

Last Thursday, as I was leaving for work, I noticed a lady standing outside with a kid.. A few seconds later I realized the lady was standing outside so the kid could watch the garbage truck come by and do its mechanical arm business. At this point, I got all melancholy because that's exactly what my grandma used to do with me... I was fascinated by the garbage truck and my grandma would stand around with me and make sure I didn't run off and try to get picked up by the mechanical arm...

Thanks grandma.

"Ghosts"

I came home today... Before I went through the door, I noticed that the old man had Hendrix blaring through his window up stairs.. When I walked through the door, the guy was sitting on the couch downstairs... So what's the problem here? Rather than using the stereo system that's literally 5 ft to his right... He puts his music on with his system up stairs and turns the volume wayyyyy up so it sounds like shit because of the weird path the sound waves need to travel.. At this point I decided that he is the only person I've ever met who just refuses to use his brain.

Did I already mention that he's stealing brandy from the people that live here? He pours his friend a bit of it then adds water to make it look like the bottle is still full... But... The bottle was unopened before.. And now it's opened and watered down.. Asshole..

So I've been thinking about hiding a speaker up stairs and sending freaky sounds to it at night. Although it's a sort of complicated plan that will require some more thought.. My goal is to make him think the house is haunted or something.. I'm sure he'll come up with something even more ridiculous... Like, "Nelson, I'm hearing strange noises at night... Do you think the rats are performing exorcisms at night?"

drinking

Oh... PS... about the drinking.

I got so screwed up from it I woke up looking like a different person.. it was crazy... the hangover was awful and my eyes are all messed up from throwing up.

So I further reinforced the importance of clean water for myself.

Magnanimous

Time to cut the bullshit... I've been nice to the old guy. He's been
doing his weird old guy shit and I didn't let it bother me. But I
can't do that anymore... his head is in the wrong place. He reads too
much shitty literature and his head is turning to mush. He
misinterprets shit because he does that crappy high school english
thing of reading into things a wholllllllle lot. So basically... this
all started a couple weeks ago...

I get a phone call right around 11:40am.. I don't answer, because it's
him.. a minute later... I get a voicemail... "blah blah blah I'm
old... it's about noon [he gave me the wrong time? what's going up
with that?] blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... Richard's here right
now... blah blah blah... somebody's going to come by to check out the
house.... blah blha blahblabhalsdkfasdfkjadsfkffffffffffffff.... "
ok.... if you ever want to deliver any sort of news to me... and you
don't want me to get any sort of enjoyment out of it, have this guy
tell me about it.... because if it's good news... i'll just
automatically hate the fact that he's talking to me, so I'm not happy
right away... and if it's bad news... I'll end up blowing my brains
out because he'll send me into such a vortex of depression that that's
the only place I could go...

So.. anyway.. a kid comes by to check out the house at noon..... I
come home around 4:00.... I walk in the door and it was seriously like
I walked in on a guy with a noose around his neck standing on a
chair... So I ask him... like a normal person, "So, how was the guy
that came by?" and then he started... "Boyyyyy... let me tell you....
we're in trouble if he moves in." So now I'm thinking.... what's he
so worked up about? So he lets me go, "I'll let you get settled in
and we can talk about this.." So I go out and get the mail... When I
come back in... he's pacing around with his hands on his hips... so...
what the fuck? He starts telling me about what happened... I pour
myself a drink because I had to prepare myself for the forthcoming
flood of bullshit... and he asks, "Could I get some of that whiskey?"
I say sure.... I said, "Take however much you want." See what happens
when you ask me for things? (Hint.... detergent.)

Here he goes... the kid came by with his mom... of course, he's up
hiding in his room while all this is happening.... if he doesn't want
the kid to move in.... seriously, all he has to do is follow the kid
around as he's checking the place out... easy. done. no need to
worry. but he hides in his room.... he actually came out and met the
kid for about 2 minutes... he learned his first name... he knows that
the kid is going to be going to davis... but his big issue with the
kid is... he thinks he's 18. He has no hard facts that he's 18....
he's basing everything by how the kid looks... which is such bullshit
to me... because he doesn't really know. So that's his big problem...
he meets somebody for 2 minutes and he instantly doesn't like him...
what's even worse is... he says, "If the kid moves in and takes the
upstairs room I'm moving in downstairs next to you." so out pops the
little devil on my shoulder, "Fuck this guy.... just shout it out...
Fuck you! Fuck you old man! Say it!!!" But I didn't... But he says
this after telling me for an hour that the "energy" of the house would
be ruined if this kid moved in... he says his personal space would be
violated... and yet... his solution to fix it... is to make me
uncomfortable as fuck by moving in next to me... so fuck him.. really.
So that was the little nudge that pushed me back towards being an
asshole to this guy and ignoring him.. It was also during this
conversation that he told me he was in his 40's.... twice... which I
know for a fact is a lie.

I told him, if you're so annoyed by this, send an email to the
landlord.... I basically had to write it for him because for some
reason he didn't know what to say... but for the past hour and a
half... he knew exactly what to say to bore the shit out of me... So I
say... tell him I want to meet the kid before he moves in.. that sort
of thing..

In between this event and the one I'll get to later... our AC
breaks... The fan works, but the bit that cools that house doesn't
kick on.. It was broken for about 2 days... but because I wasn't
around half the time I didn't notice until after 2 days... so the fan
is on for 2 days... fuckface over there is at home all the time and he
doesn't notice at all... you can hear it running... the house isn't
getting cool.... so what's his solution? He leaves the house... he
doesn't even turn the system off... he just leaves it on... I get back
that night at 2am... and realize the house is hot as fuck... so I flip
the system off... and start fucking around with everything because the
fan won't turn off.... I try for an hour to fix it... and nothing
works... so I go to sleep and shoot a text to the landlord the next
morning at 8:30 or so. So... I think... the dude is lazy..

Something else that happens... something's dead in the walls
upstairs... I can smell it when I do the laundry... He comes at me
while I'm in the kitchen... smile on his face... like some smug
shitface that knows something that I don't know.... but because it's
him, everything he tells me that I don't know.... it's because it's
some false crap that I just don't believe. So he says, "You know that
smell up stairs? I think a rat died up there." His solution? "If
the smell gets really bad I'm going to have to sleep downstairs..."
So I kind of like this dead rat... i like that it bothers him. I'll
let it be and wind up with the plague if it means he's bothered by it.

He comes at me a couple days later with this handwritten note... and
says... here's the reply to that email... and he totally
misinterpreted everything.... it's not the fact that he didn't just
forward it to me.... but he wrote everything down on a piece of
paper... So here it is:

"Sorry to reply late, I've been so busy lately. Nelson called me last
Wed. about the AC issue, but he didn't tell me about the guy that
checked out the room. So I will call him tomorrow and see what is
Nelson's thought about this." Somehow he twisted this to mean, the
landlord had no idea somebody was coming by to look at the house...
but in reality... I just didn't mention it because I don't care.... I
tried to remind him that it's not your property... you rent a room in
the house... it's like a hotel, you don't really get to choose who
you're next to and the rent is super cheap.... something like that...
and he shoots back with, "Oh? Just because the rent is cheap that
means they can be fucking rude to us?" Fuck.... what an asshole.

Ok... here's basically the last straw for me... I was drinking and
playing the guitar on Friday... good times... good sounds.... I make
my way out to the kitchen and I see him, so I pour myself another
drink... and another... and by the time it's all over, I have half a
bottle of whiskey in my system... So... I'm drunk, but I'm still being
nice to him... I'm talking to him... and playing him music on the
iPad... the other old guy comes by and hangs out because it was his
birthday... which was weird.... so then I ask, "Hey, I'm going to
steal one of your beers." He says, "Sure." or "That's what they're
there for.." Something along those lines... and the second I crack it
open.... he blurts out, "Now you owe me a beer." Which is such a
fucked up thing to say... who seriously says stuff like that? You
fucking said, yes.... So I shoot back... "I've given you beers before,
I think we're even." I gave him a can of Dale's Pale Ale... which he
doesn't remember because he's such a fuckhead... then I tell him I
gave him a beer for reading my paper... which he shoots back with...
"Well i should've gotten paid a lot more than that." I remember
before he was reading it... and while he was reading it... that he
didn't need to and he could stop... that sort of thing if he didn't
want to do it... so... asshole. He then tells me if I know anybody
around the age of 35 that I should send them his way.. Which is such
a gross thing....... There is only one person I dislike enough to put
them through something so horrible... and we all know who that is...

So the guy is a closet asshole... My goal... is to somehow put myself
in a situation where I can punch him in the face and get away with
it.. like self defense... So I need to start provoking him into that
sort of a situation.

Oh... he also told me that he's managed property before and that he
didn't let people move in unless he felt they would be a good fit....
Of course I think this is all bullshit... I don't ever believe
anything this guy says anymore...



So... I'll be nice.... to everybody but this guy. No more feeling
sorry for him. No more giving him a chance... he's cut dead and
officially up there as one of the great assholes in history.

Zzzzz

There was a whole lotta noise going on outside of my room, then one really loud crash like somebody dropped a desk, and then it got quiet. So I'm ok with that. Turns out its the landlord.

I got sort of drunk last Friday. I didn't go anywhere.. So what happened was I wound up talking to the old man.. Because i turn into a really nice guy when im drunk.

I'm telling him how I like the Ramones.. And he say stuff like, "well... They weren't really that good.". And I say, "they weren't good... But at the same time they were the best band ever." I just think he has his lips pressed up against Hendrix's ass too much. He brings up Hendrix and his tone changes. It's mainly muffled praise because he has Jimi's ghost penis in his mouth.. So.. Yeah.. Ok. The Ramones couldn't play like Hendrix, but they were just as inspirational. Plus the Ramones bashing is coming from a guy that thinks The Slits was what 70's punk music was about. Whatever.

I played him a few other tunes as I made salsa for myself.


The very next day he comes over to my doorway as I'm playing Tetris Attack.. And he says, "that was fun last night. Thanks for that." uh.... Ok. I don't even think I turned around and looked at him.... Tetris Attack is serious business... Ignoring the old man is also pretty darn serious.

Anyway... What came out of it was I now have to burn him some Hendrix LP he had and sold for $30. I just checked on eBay and you could get a copy of it for about $25... He thinks it's worth hundreds for some reason... Probably because it's jimi hendrix and he wishes he could get into some weird ghost love situation with the guy.

Mom says...

Mom asks me, "Is it hot up there?"

"Yeah, it's m-f'ing hot."

"You should think about turning on the AC."

"Wait... did you hear me?  It's m-f'ing hot."

"No."

"Well, it's 98 degrees outside....... it's m-f'ing hot."

"You have a bad attitude."

"Hey.... can I set fire to the house so it gets really hot inside... so when I go outside it feels really good?"

"No.  That's not a good idea."

"No, you see.... if I burn the house, it'll be like... 300 degrees inside..... so when I go outside it'll feel really good."

"No..... that's not a good idea.."

"Ok... it's m-f'ing hot though."


Also...

"Does your head still look like a basketball?"

"No... it looks like a bamboo shoot."

"That's not possible... bamboo shoots are pointy."

"Yeah.  I'm running into things and stabbing them with my head."

"Ok.... well I'm going to go eat dinner now.  Bye."

shirtless..

Oh goody.. goooooooody.... good-f'ing-dy... the old guy is sitting on
the couch without a shirt on and groaning... probably because he knows
that's what I want to see when I get home.... actually.. it's pretty
much the exact opposite of what I would like to see.... but it's
mainly because he just felt like stretching about without his shirt on
to have a little groan when I came home. I turned the AC on to avoid
a situation like this.. but he finds a way... he finds a way to do all
the ridiculous things that annoy me and none of the things that are
helpful to society.

So... I think it was because he decided to do yard work. He only does
yard work when he thinks the landlord is coming by. Really.... he
spends like 3 hours outside and all he comes up with is this tiny
little pile of leaves and a tiny amount of lawn clippings. The
landlord comes by... take about an hour and he's off chopping off
branches, mowing the lawn, pulling weeds, and stealing cherries. The
old guy is obsessed with trying to take care of this house in this
loser-ish way. Just knock it off, dude.... and if you're going to do
it please don't sit around afterwards without your shirt on stretching
about and groaning..

This is what I get for being nice to him... I need to be an asshole to
him so he doesn't feel like he can get away with shit like this....
It's 85 degrees outside.... the AC is on.... there is zero reason you
need to be sitting around like that.. well... i suppose there would be
one reason... if he ever gets a tattoo of a bullseye on his chest with
the text, "Shoot here with rocket launcher."

2 things

1) "flashiness" with water has nothing to do with its ability to do jazz hands.

2) I was making bootleg sushi and was putting eggs in it. Old man says, "are those eggs?" and I say, "yes.." he says, "interesting..............." it's not really that interesting.. How does somebody live with me for a year and not realize that, given the opportunity, I will stick eggs in anything. I alway have eggs in the fridge. I'm a sucker for eggs. Some might even say I'm an egg sucker.. Some might..... Wait...

When in doubt...

one of my favorite people was posting on Facebook today. The kid is f'ing nuts and he doesn't even know it.. I had him in my senior project and I was in charge, so I told him to draw something up in AutoCAD. Now the hint is in the name there... CAD... Computer assisted design. So cool. I thought at the time he could handle that, thinking he was some closet genius that was really good at computers.. I mean.. He's made it through some classes retards take 6 times to pass..... So a bit of drafting work should be easy..... He won't let me down!

He shows up at our next meeting holding a big piece of rolled up paper.. I'm thinking... Holy shit... He actually did it.. So we finish up going over more important stuff and I ask him to show me what he has... Now... Remember... 'computer assisted design.'

He rolls out the paper and the first thing I notice is.... It's all done by hand... In pencil... The lines aren't straight even though a ruler's been used... And I can see all his erased mistakes... It was at that point.. That I decided to never rely on this kid again. Gah... It was such a let down...

Anyway.. Come presentation time, I told him he wouldn't be presenting. What's the point in having somebody that's done fuck all present, right? 5 of the 6 of us presented. The one just sat on the stool and stared at the audience the entire time... And he has freaky eyes... I mean.. One side is lazy as fuck.. It really creeps me out..

The only reason i added him on Facebook was because every time I logged in, it would suggest him as a friend and his profile picture was giving me nightmares and stuff.. So I just added him to avoid seeing him pop up.. But now I get all his updates..

Here's the one that really caught my attention... He also posted some stuff about stars being light years away and the light we're seeing is from DEAD stars.. He had dead in all caps.. And he also had a bunch of responses from those yahoo question things posted along with it.. I swear he posted it a year ago too... Anyway.. Here's the good stuff. This is probably the greatest distance you can travel in a sentence so short:

"I am looking at the pass [sic] not the present because I don't know what is happening right now in other countries which I want to visit."

I'm sure he meant 'past'... And for whatever reason he's decided to look at the past and dwell on it.. Something people usually tell you not to do.. Then suddenly!!! You get throw into this thing about other countries.. There's total shit happening in the world.. It's good that he knows this... But Wait!!!!!! He wants to visit them... So.. Is this about thinking about the past or is it about the future and his travel plans? that's like going 1377139481938496 kilometers in one single sentence.

This is so messed up that my feeble mind can't comprehend it... This kid really shouldn't be an engineer... The one thing I have against the school that treated me so well is that they let this kid slip on my the cracks... It wasn't the fact that he gave me a hand drawn schematic of a swale... It was really what happened afterward...

He hopped on a computer and loaded up AutoCAD. He started drawing and I thought... Cool. It was when he asked me... 'how do I flip this?' and I looked at his screen and noticed that the sides of the swale were drawn backwards... All i could say was, "just draw it the right way around."

Here's the kicker... He didn't draw things the right way around... He really wanted to flip it for some reason.. So I said fuck it.. Not out load... But I should've.

"when in doubt.... Fuck it." - John Lennon.