A good day.

"What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to punk music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to punk music?"

And so we continue the digital mix tape marathon.. That quote just came on between songs. It's a quote from High Fidelity, although it's been modified.. Or at least that's how I heard it.

My old roommate is coming up to visit today. It's very nice of him to do so.


Good news! The old man is writing himself notes about housing options. The knife's in him... All I have to do is twist it. I don't think I've ever met anybody with less balls than this guy. Scared by a kid moving in.. Really, a testicle-less coward dog could take more than him.


I went to the market to get some pig ass for dinner, but it was too expensive. So I grabbed some cow ass, got slapped by a fat lady and then got some beef and chicken because it was cheap.

Ok, No actual sexual harassment was involved in this writing.. The lady told me she enjoyed it!



Ok....... No actual women were involved in this writing... And that's the truth. There.

-less

It's around lunch time and my brain just said, "hey, have some whiskey, you stupid faced yellow bastard." it added that last part right now.

So I guess I'll have some whiskey. I'll clean my room. I'll make some noise. I'll fix my knee. Then I'll have some more whiskey for a bit of 'controlled' recklessness. Good thing I'm wreckless.




I've been listening to digital mix tapes all morning...


Tangerine.

Hey PIzza! let's dig in..

My guitar is nice to me...

Yesterday I was helping somebody move some stuff out of his apartment... We were walking to his door when I noticed a fat guy get out of the shower... so I was kind of staring, because the guy looked really fat.. but it would actually turn out to be a naked girl... and not a fat guy.  Woops.  I stopped staring once I realized that.  So... a note to girls.  Don't leave you blinds open if your bathroom entrance is within view.... and don't look like a fat guy.  Uh, the second one should be pretty easy to do...

I was thinking about going home and being miserable.. which is what I did.  I went home.  But I fed all my misery to my guitar and it made me happy.  and that's why my guitar is nice to me.. and that's how I want to be.  Give me all your shit, and I'll do my best to make you happy.  Share the joy.


Here's a thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meQkZ6a_ees


I shouldn't ever want to watch Rock n Roll High School... but I kind of do..

"HEY PIZZA!"

Trivia Night

I guess I can't do math... or math in a public place while under the influence...

You pay $642 after 7% sales tax and take 20% off of the original value... what was the original value?

I don't know how we came up with the answer we got... but... we were wrong.  Turns out, that we were adding the sales tax, rather than subtracting it.  Backwards math is fun... mistakes are not so fun.  Also, writing doesn't turn out so well when you're drinking stuff.  I was telling someobody their handwriting was awful... then I gave it a shot and it was just as bad... so then I gave it a harder shot.. uh.. I tried harder and it was ok.

So... 11 out of 30 is what we got.  11 out of 30 is the new... 11 out of... 30. We stank.  The people that won got 22.5 or something.  50% of the winning total isn't so bad on a first try.

My guesses were pretty classy though.  Louisiana Purchase.  Napolean.  That Thing You Do.  I'm kind of proud of my guesses.  Also, I called the syrup monster at the end of Candyland, "Sweety."  Made perfect sense to me at the time.

The lesson today:

Plus is not minus... unless you want it to be, but you'll still be wrong.

The answer was 716 or something like that. 

bananas... but not really. it smells.

Downtown smelled like dried up Gak today. Anybody remember Gak?
Better than yesterday when it smelled like dog poop. The elevators at
work smell like Pop Rocks. Women must be wearing some sort of Pop
Rocky scented stuff... or some dude really knows how to get my
attention. Hopefully he doesn't tell me he has a van full of the
stuff.. Oh.... the elevators in the parking structures smell like
pee. Neither the men nor the women know what I like there.

I really tore through this Jamba Juice because I got freaking hot.



So, I suppose this counts as something super super horrible...

The old man has been cleaning things downstairs... I found this sort
of odd because he tends to do fuck all everyday. I noticed that he's
moved things around in my old roommates room too. He's moved the
printer into the closet... and the mirror into the closet... and just
recently he's moved the ironing board and iron into the closet... And
that's when I realized that he's preparing to move in downstairs.
He's been telling me that if the new kid moves in up stairs he's going
to move in downstairs... and I told him, "I'm not going to like that.
I would rather have the new kid move in next to me." straight up.
just like that. I was drinking at the time.... but all he had to say
was, "sorry about that."

I don't understand how he can dislike somebody so much after meeting
them for a maximum of 5 minutes. He doesn't know anything about him
other than his name.. and I don't understand his solution to having
the kid move in. Move 20 feet away and annoy the guy that's been
putting up with his shit even more. He really thinks that me and him
get along. I basically just put up with it. He doesn't have any
balls to put up with it. The kid gets forced on us, the same way he
got forced on me... and he starts moaning about it. He has really
weird solutions to things... he actually cleaned the oven... sort
of... so it stopped smelling... for about 2 days.. then it started
smelling again.. so I looked to see what was going on... and his
solution was to stick a piece of aluminum foil under his cooking so it
drips down all over it... and it still burns... but he can just toss
out the foil when he wants to clean (wasted aluminum foil)... and his
shit still drips down over the oven because he doesn't know what he's
doing.. Oh, he also dumped a bunch of yard waste in the black

So keep an eye out for my google searches if he does move in next to me:

How to do everyday things louder
How can I survive on less sleep so I can stay up late and annoy my roommate?
How can i make my poop smell worse?

I don't know.. that's all I can think of right now..


I'm going to try to disable the oven now.



and now.... back to me being depressed and boring... well, minus the
depressed part, I'm getting through that ok.

Howdy

Ok.  Nothing like a bit of proper thinking and some booze to take you out of feeling blue.  I wore all blue today... except the grey blazer because it was freaking cold this morning.. I wore blue because it looks nice. 

Depression is a weird thing... I don't even know if I was really depressed, but I certainly wasn't normal.  Nobody likes it... but your brain does it.  F' the brain.  You do wonderful things.... but getting all caught up in sadness isn't one of them... and you can't really shake yourself loose from it.. so that's not cool brain..  This is of course... material that belongs in the secret composition book that's full of all my stupidity.

Teenage Fanclub's album 'Howdy' sounds really nice.

Quote of the day... uh... from TV... "When I get excited, I sound caucasian."

Puppy dream

Twice upon a time.. My mind has gone to a not so great place.

I had a dream last night that there was a puppy running around through the house. It was a very vivid dream. I was sitting in my chair and I felt something bump into my leg. When I looked down there was a really tiny dog... about the size of my hand. It was a yellowish white. When I picked it up, it squirmed around a bit.. And then.. Chomp! It bites my hand and it doesn't let go.. But I didn't really react to this. I know it's supposed to hurt, but it doesn't.. So I let the dog bite me. Every time I was near it, it would bite my hand and I would let it because I didn't mind. It wasn't that I enjoyed the biting or anything, I just didn't mind it when it happened..

Then I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm was set to go off.. So I got up.

I realize my tenses are all screwed up, but it's too early to worry about that.

Crumbly

"I'm a little bit of everything, but a whole lot of nothing." I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean but that popped into my head right now.


Guh.. I'm crumbling. I can feel it. Curse this cookie-like mind of mine.. Although delicious, it doesn't hold up well all the time. I need it to go back to being one of those super soft gooey chewy cookies... With white chocolate.. Or nix the chocolate and just make it a sugar cookie. Fill my head with sugar. I'll fill my head with sugar.. and white chocolate.. And an egg for some reason.. I think there are eggs in cookies.. Anyway.. Once I get it back to soft and chewy it won't be so crumbly...

Wait.. Crumbly.. And Crumb. Pronounced.. Crum-blee. And.. Crum.

Dumb.. And dumbly... Are pronounced.. Dum. And dum-lee... What a stupid crumby system for dummies... But not dumbies like me.

Absolute shenanigans, English language!




And now... This.

The girl who cries when she read this (probably not so much recently because the material has been lacking) posted something I didn't know was still going on. It was about "conversion therapy". Lou Reed went through it. He got shock treatment. Straight from his mouth:

"They put the thing down your throat so you don't swallow your tongue, and they put electrodes on your head. That's what was recommended in Rockland County then to discourage homosexual feelings. The effect is that you lose your memory and become a vegetable. You can't read a book because you get to page seventeen and have to go right back to page one again."

I seriously had no idea this was still going on.. And the other stuff they do sounds even more f'd up than getting your brain fried.


Anyway.. Here's something else from Lou Reed to end this a bit more positively. It's not much, but it makes me feel warm on the inside:

"All by myself. No one to talk to. Come over here so I can talk to you..."

And that's how my favorite book starts.

Normal

So.. I had material to write about today, but I forgot what it was. Must have been the nap.. Or the booze infused guitaring.. I need to send my guitar to rehab... Or I need to stop using the excuse of "my guitar is an alcoholic."

It might have been girls and musicians.. Some girls are attracted to boy musiciany types, but guys aren't attracted to girl musiciany types.. But that's all I have to say about that..

I need a heavy dose of Teenage Fanclub to get me out of this weird situation I'm in.. Music is my medicine. It's a big fat suppository if I think the music sucks though.. I get caught up in things too much.. And the second I run out of things to do they start rushing through my head and weigh on my mind too much.. And then I get so depressed that I can't even blink (King of the Hill reference).. But I also can't think of anything else that would take my mind off of it. So... I guess I'm writing this to take my mind off of things..

I got a bug bite on my arm. It's pretty much opposite of the hole in my arm I mentioned yesterday. I've always had a problem with bugs biting me. I'm not sure why. But every summer I'd get them. My mom took me to the doctor once when it got really bad. I had bites all over.. There was a bunch on my stomach that formed a triangle.. I really enjoyed that one visually.. Mainly because it was so unordinary.. I feel unordinary, but I don't really think I am. That's something else that I find odd...

When I was little, we would always hear stuff about how we're all different and unique in our own way.. But then nobody's normal with that. Then as we got older, that all went away, and all anybody wanted was to be 'normal', but I prefer being odd and weird... "in with the out crowd." that's what I want to be.



I'll be back again later. Guh... This is why I shouldn't drink.

Scotch Gard

Guh... Scotch Gard.. it's not spelled right. It was all crazy to find at Target... and right now it's stinking up my room because an open window is not sufficient ventilation.  So I'm going to utilize a classic here... the ol' shirt pulled up over the nose trick.  It's stupid... I'm getting all loaded on this stuff and I don't even want to.  So I opened a few more windows in the house because it's pretty darn windy outside tonight.. and now I'm getting cold..

Oh. So I made a big egg.  Sunny side up.  I mean I used a bunch of fabric and made a big egg... not like I'm going around and picking up ostrich eggs.. or... mutant chicken eggs that they make green eggs and ham out of.. What I've learned is sewing takes a really long time if you do it by hand... also... fabric is really weird to work with.

I also saw a tiny streak of blood on my sheets.. and I was like, "what's going on? I'm not bleeding... is somebody rolling around on my bed when they're bleeding?" then I noticed that there's a hole in my arm.. like.. right around the elbow pit area... I'm not sure how this happened.. and my leg is messed up again.  I think it's because I'm hanging it off the side of the bed awkwardly before I go to sleep. 

I thought this would be decent material to write about but it isn't... Uh..........


Oh. Neil Armstrong died today.  When I heard about it... all I could think of was how he forgot his lines...

"That's one small step for A man... one giant leap for mankind... QUICK! Lasers! There's Greys on the moon!"

Space is a crazy place... Thanks for your contributions Mr. Armstrong.

perfunctory

Do people just complain about switching to Timeline just because everybody else is complaining about it?  It's really not that bad... and if you feel so compelled to complain about it, perhaps you've been spending too much time on facebook.  So stop being retards... it's not so bad...

Somebody kept saying 'perfunctory' so I had to look it up.. So when they would tell me, "You're such a retard, how could you spend so much time on something so perfunctory, you stupid dummy!" Now I know what she means.


She didn't really say that.

I never understood why people would use those handicap buttons to open doors when they aren't handicapped.. but then again... I use the handicap ramps.. so I don't know.  Nevermind.

It's Keith Moon's birthday today!


... but he's dead.
... but he was an awesome drummer.

I don't remember what I was going to write about... so I'll stop.

Pthhhhhh...

I just learned via Facebook that one of my friends is now living in Pullman, WA. So, now..... This.. I once pulled a man.. it did not end well. I'll let you decide how it ended.

I saw somebody today. I told them, "I'm happy to see you... but I also have a pack of Starburst in my pocket." they wound up with a pack of tropical Starburst and I got some sort of purple berry punch flavored candy that was really sticky.

The lady at the store told me, "Nobody underage buys good beer." then I told her, "I dont know what t tastes like... I bought it because I like the label." which is the only logical way to purchase things (I've been brainwashed by advertisements).. She then went on about how the company took the time to make the label look nice, so it's good beer.. I had no jokes for this.


Other stuff that happened that I forgot to write about.. My boss told me to find a monitoring location on a map. Right next to its location was Dick Cook Rd. I wanted to laugh.. So I had to tell myself that it was just somebody's name. But then I started thinking... What if it wasn't.. And awful awful things happened there?


Ok. Thanks. Bye bye.

Little amps

So I finally put this little amp together.

I tried putting it together last summer, but gave up once school started... after looking at the wiring diagram recently, I noticed that I might have made a mistake... which I didn't.. it just just really awful soldering work.. So I shorted the circuit and that's why it wasn't working.

So, this time... Everything was cool. Wires going all over, not taking short cuts... I plug it all in and it still wasn't working..  My nuts were being driven...... or it was driving me nuts.  Then I noticed that the chip that was providing all the amplification wasn't receiving any power... so... wire here. wire there. get the battery in there.. and blam.  I have sound!  I have a portable guitar amp I can drag about and I stuffed it all into a Pop Tarts box.

I'm fairly proud of myself... except I had to buy Pop Tarts because it was the perfect size for what I was doing... I haven't bought Pop Tarts since high school.  We had them in the vending machine.  They were strawberry flavored.

This is boring to read.


Anyway... time to work out the kinks so I can sell them next to the guy that has all the bootleg 2pac CDs and tshirts.. I don't actually know where that guy is.


"Little amps will find ways to blow your mind / Little hearts will find ways to blow your mind."

Fish manure

So I kept dropping "heart disease" into my responses for some reason when I was talking to my mom.  Like... "I don't want you to be unhealthy."  "Yeah. Heart disease."  or... "If it gets too hot up there you might have problems.." "Yeah. Heart disease."  I must've said it like.. 7 times.  Which is sort of a lot when it has nothing to do with the butt, penis, or prison slang. 

Oh, I can't remember if I wrote about this or not, but my boss was talking to me.. and I kept saying "Ok"... like a ridiculous amount.  I knew I was saying it a lot, but I still kept saying it.. the people in the other cube must've been thinking this freak had a coconut fall on his head... and then he went off and huffed a bunch of gasoline so he has major brain damage.


Me:  How do you say stroke in Chinese?
Mom: Ching Chang..
Me:  Can I have a ching chang?
Mom:  If you do you'll have a lot of problems.  Your uncle had a blood clot in his eye --
Me:  Can I have a butt stroke?


Me:  I went to go get shoes and I told the guy, "Hey, I have an extra toe, do you have a wider pair?"  Then the guy said, "Ugh... that's gross, get out of my store!"
Mom:  There's no way he said that, he wants your business.
Me:  Ok.. actually, he said, "You're Chinese, that's gross... GET OUT!"


Mom:  Your face is sweaty.  You should go wash it.
Me:  I'm going to wipe a bunch of sesame oil on my face, pour soy sauce over my head, and smear fish manure all over the place.

Dog in a car

Today in the news:

Pit Bull Left in Hot Car at Arden Fair Mall


I'm not sure why this is news.. but I learned that some people are way way way wayyyyy into this sort of stuff.  The entire article is probably 150 words.  So it was a quick read.  Lady left her pit bull in the car.  Lady went shopping.  Lady left car running by using the remote start with the AC on, but it must've turned off automatically after 10 minutes.  Lady faces $500 fine.  Dog drinks lots of water after firepeople let it out.

So. that's all fine and dandy.  Moving onto the comments.. the worst one being:

"can we get an update please?"

what sort of an update do you need?  Everything is right there.

Then there's tons of comments saying that she's stupid and that she shouldn't own a pet and that she's being cruel.  It's pretty clear that she kept the AC on for the dog by using her remote starter, but she didn't know it would automatically turn off.. So, stupid, sure. But a different kind of stupid... not the sort these internet folk are throwing at her.  Cruel?  probably not, I don't think she purposefully left the dog in the car.  So... please don't act like such retards.. everybody.

The bigger problem here is that she was willing to leave her car running for 2 hours with the AC on... not going anywhere.  So, looking at the big picture here.. fuck the dog.  The car is running and it's spitting out all sorts of crap.  Anybody that leaves their car running just so they can have a bit of AC going I have a problem with.  Can you not sacrifice 10 minutes or whatever of cool comfort and turn your engine off?  Even if your car is electric, that doesn't mean a thing.. your car doesn't have emissions, but the power plants sure have emissions.

But ok. back to the internet commenters.. don't be so reactionary.. Don't rush to lick a dog's balls and defend them because they can do that themselves.

I mean, what if the story was this...

Lady leaves pit bull in car on hot day.  Dog ball licking bystanders free the dog by smashing the lady's window.  Dog bites the shit out of dog ball licking bystanders and kills a baby, several kittens and bunnies, and kills the president.  In a strange turn of events, the dog becomes leader of America and begins human testing of products on retarded people who leave comments on the internet without thinking.  America becomes a nation where people leave their cars running to keep their dogs happy and I have a big pile of dog shit to clean up.  The flies are happy though.


So.. there.  She's not stupid.  She was trying to kill an evil dog.

Kid stuff.

Uh.. I just remembered that my dad took me to some sort of laundry convention when I was little.  I had a good time because I ate a hot dog and some chips.  That's about all I remember about that.

My aunt had a giant orange tree.  Every summer it would stink because of all the rotting oranges.  She lived across the street from my grandma, so that was nice. 

Me and my brother used to make a mess in my grandma's backyard.  We would grab mud and make miniature dams and divert water all over the place.  We never cleaned up, hoping we could expand, but it was never there the next day.

My grandma also had an assortment of insects and bugs in her backyard.  I think we spent a summer catching ladybugs.  They used to piss on my hand or something... I don't actually know what it was, but after I got the ladybug in the jar, I would have this yellow liquid stuff on my hand.

I was in either... 1st or 2nd grade and we had some sort of insect assignment.  Somehow me and my brother managed to catch and pin a black widow to a piece a styrofoam... I'm pretty sure it was dead to begin with and we had put it in one of those prize bubbles you get from those toy machines.  Even with that, the teacher wasn't really amused by it and wanted me to throw it away.  I f'ing loved it... but looking back at it... Dude, what a couple of freaks.

Oh. and Eyewitness books.  I'm literally going to throw Eyewitness books at my little shitty kid.  You know, to make them scared of books with pictures.



I'm not really going to do that.

Monkey haired

So I feel like my hair has grown out to monkey length... Or ape length.. Or whatever category a gorilla falls under.. Thats all I was thinking about today. Monkey head. Also, I'm working with a ridiculously large data set.. 15 minute data taken over 10 years really adds up. It's an excel file that's 38 MB and it finally crashed the crappy work computer.

Tomorrow I'm going to break it again.

"Talk fight"

Nerds are strange. Like me. Internet nerds... Are.. Well look at this:

"You guys can't be serious. Do you guys honestly think Batman could loose [sic] to Spiderman? First of all, there is no way Spiderman could've taken that much damage from Batman and his weapons. Spiderman's durability is around building level and Batman's standard equipment has the destructive capacity of a small building. Spiderman could not have survived that many attacks from Batman's weapons. He should've at least been weakened, since 1 grenade was able to weaken Spiderman, yet multiple of Batman's weapons and a car exploding right beneath him didn't weaken him. Did you guys not notice that Batman's standard equipment has the destructive capacity of a small building?"

So... I remember writing a blog back in the MySpace days about units. I was sick of horsepower or something like that and wanted to switch the units to whalepower.. My car, for instance is 1 wp. Did I mention whales yesterday? Oh well.. You get more whales. It's shark week, but here's some whales. Or it was shark week...

But back to the nerd. "Spiderman's durability is around building level." That to me is such a strange thing to say. I always thought Spiderman's durability was that of a giant ass spider... Not a spider with a big ass, but you know... A big one. But it's just so weird... I might also add that the entire argument he's presenting was 4 times as long, and it was all about how batman would actually win in a theoretical scenario and how spiderman couldn't handle Batman's building destroying weapons. I don't understand why he wanted to be right so badly that he wrote this short story for the Internet. And the anger he has... There's a guy that really really really likes Batman.



Me and my brother actually used to do this on long drives. We called them "talk fights" we would choose a superhero or villain and stick them on top of a building and we would verbally make our moves by taking turns explaining things. For example:

Cyclops vs. Gambit
"ok, I shoot my laser eyes at you."
"I dodge it and blow you up with my cards"
"you knocked my visor off and I blast the shit out of your Cajun ass."

My brother always won... He actually read the comics whereas I just looked at the pictures.. Plus he was the intellectual superior, I was just an 8 year old Dum Dum that couldn't figure out my brother's tricks... I think his tricks were mainly, "before you did that I...." or "you can't do that because I..." you probably call it cheating... I call it the best waste of time ever on those long car rides.

PS - I spent weeks to months thinking about how I would beat him... And i finally figured out a plan.. I think it was with the Fantastic Four.. But I think in the end he just threw me off the building or something... A building that Batman could destroy.. and Spiderman couldn't handle if it fell on him. Or wait.. I think i was The Thing and he was The Invisible Woman.. And he scooped me up and dropped me off the building.. After that I only chose people that could fly or could avoid falling..

The Charlie Brown Kick

I've just decided that the Charlie Brown kick is the most powerful kick in existence.  Everybody knows the bit.... Charlie Brown goes to kick the football, then Lucy pulls the ball away at the last second, sending ol' baldy browny Charlie flipping around until he lands on his ass...  but just imagine if he lands that sort of a kick... the force required to send that forehead haired freak spinning through the air has to be pretty intense.

I thought of this after I was politely explaining on Facebook to the old housemate that I needed a ray gun... I thought, if things intensify, I will be required to deploy the Charlie Brown kick and make my problems go away.  The target doesn't quite have the speed of a girl moving a ball... or even the speed of The Blob from X-Men.. or... even The Slug from Blade... or some other fat ass slow moving freak from comics... uh..... Elephantom.. that'll be my fat comic character.. and apparently that's already been taken by some band... so..... Hippopotamustard.. uh.. probably not the best comic character.  Maybe Hippopotmustard will work best as a mascot.  Like the Noid.. "Avoid the Noid."  Hipp.... the.. mustar.... Forget it...  because that one was taken too...  Fat Asser Whale... there. nobody has that.  Problem solved.

Of course none of them can withstand the power of a Charlie Brown Kick.  KAPOWWWWWW!  That's the noise it makes.


Watch out!  It's Fat Asser Whale!

Don't worry!  I'll use my Charlie Brown Kick!  Kapowwwwww!!!




and that's how i'll save the day tomorrow.

A broken guitar

Man... This spider or mosquito bit the palm of my hand. I'm sorta used to getting bitten, but this one is in a totally new spot. Well, whatever it was, it got some good eating. My blood is f'ing delicious. It's universal donory... O!

So I managed to glue the neck on the broken guitar back in place. The neck is way bent though... And I also shaved a bit too much off the bridge.. Also.. I did it like a blind drunk man... Or.. That should be a drunk blind man... So it's totally jagged... But, broken neck, high action and all... I really like how this guitar sounds and plays. It's cheap. It's raw. It's in no way perfect... But it plays. Perfection is boring anyway...

Poison.

Um.. I'm 90% sure I just stepped in something awful. It was borderline foot rape. But I'm not going to write about it because I convinced myself it was something else.. Or it belonged to somebody else.. Here's something else my mom said to me!


Mom: you never got fat when I was cooking for you when you were little.
Me: that's because what you made was poison and I wasn't eating it.

Poop soup

Mom:  Did you finish that thing you've been sewing?
Me:  Not yet.
Mom:  When you finish it take a picture and let me see.
Me:  When I finish it I'm going to throw it in your face.
Mom:  You have a bad attitude. ["bad attitude" is one of the few things my mom only says in English to me.]
Me:  How do you say 'attitude' in chinese?
Mom: ching chang.
Me:  I have a good ching chang... When I finish I'm going to throw it in your face.

Mom:  If you have a test to take you should take it.
Me:  oh, can I bring a poisonous snake into the exam? and when I get to a really hard question I'll take it out and throw it at somebody.  I'll be fine after that.
Mom:  No, don't do bad things.

Me:  I shaved my head.
Mom:  If you shaved your head don't get your passport renewed it doesn't look good.
Me:  What if I want to go to Canada?
Mom:  Then you need your passport.
Me:  What about Arizona... that's in Mexico.
Mom:  Your geography is really bad.
Me:  How about China?  That's in Africa.  I'm black.

Me: Hey, what's something I can make that really smells?
Mom: Durian smells bad. 
Me:  No, I don't want to eat durian...
Mom: You can also deep fry stinky tofu and the whole house will smell.
Me: What if I made poop soup?
Mom:  I've never heard of that.

Stah.

I have to post this.. after not replying to 2 or 3 messages I received this one today:

"Are you still there? --- maybe let me know... thank you."

Does it sound like he's annoyed?  ahahah... 'thank you.'  He's always telling me that women always turn into 'bitches.'  So, good.  Confirmation that the women aren't the ones to blame.

And now evvverything is gone forever.




I was walking through downtown and there was this kid in a stroller just saying stuff while his mom was standing next to him texting.  As I got closer I could hear him saying "Stah" over and over again.  He would even toss in this thing where he would put his open hand near his mouth... and thrust it forward when he let out, "Stah!"  He eyed the shit out of me when I walked passed him... but I did get on the recieving end of one of his stah's. I'm pretty sure he was making fun of me... the little shit.. but actually he was trying to say 'star', but he was from New York or Boston or something... and he was actually complementing the shit out of everything around him, including me.

Thanks you little freak, don't you dare let me down when you grow up.

the first day.

I got a free cheap guitar today from somebody that's moving out to Austin.  She told me the "handle" was broken.  I wasn't sure what she meant by that... but she meant that the neck was broken... the one thing I didn't want broken.  Oh well.  Time to Frankenstein this thing back into working condition.

So I'm pretty sure I'll have it all fixed by tomorrow... or it'll all come undone and I'll get to try again.



Here's some stuff from the secret note book:

The Unicorns - Jellybones
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mIZooCIQ3o


"Just going to sleep could kill you when you OD."

"God never closes a door without opening a window, but he/she might close it while you're crawling through."

"Yes, I think something's wrong with me... but be glad nothing's wrong with you."

The worst thing ever (with commentary)

So... I lied a few days ago, apparently.  Here's the last thing ever.  A final curtain type thing.  I'm not proud of it, but I genuinely believe it had to be done.  Anybody that can't figure out that they make the house stink like burnt ass because they don't clean the oven deserves this.  I'm going to try to disable the oven, but you won't hear about it here..

So here it is.  I went with a username that read "Just books for me."  A 96% match, 81 % friend, and 8% enemy.  Plus a saucy picture of some lady to along with it too.  I apologize to the lady for stealing her picture...  It'll be gone in a few days.

While answering questions I learned that this guy is full of more bullshit than I had thought.  One that sticks out is "Do you like punk music?"  he always tells me he likes what I'm playing.... He even told me that today after i played a few cassettes I havent listened to yet... so I answered, "when I was younger but not anymore."  His answer was... "No." with my answer being unacceptable to him.  So he's lying to somebody.  F' him.


Ok. Here we go.  I'm going to call the person 'books' because I feel too uncomfortable putting 'me'.



Books:  Hello, Is there anything you would whisper to me? 

[this is based off of his creepy as shit profile.  when i read his profile i could hear his fart filled voice.  under 'the most private thing about you' part he put, "maybe i'll whisper it to you" or something f'ed up like that.]


J:  Yes, I whispher [sic] to you that you have a great smile, and I'd love to be a new friend of yours here, if we could begin, perhaps, with a few messages.

[so i probably could've stopped here.... but it was a slow day at work. The guy really likes his commas.   Like I'm one to talk..]

Books:  Sure thing, Jim. I'm Stacey, nice to meet you.

[I had a hard time coming up with a name.  I once told somebody, if I got a sex change I would want to be called Stephanie because of the song... Then i thought about Caroline.. Because of the songs.. Then Mary... Then Meridith... I did not choose that for a good reason.  Then Stacey popped into my head.]


J:  Nice to meet you too, Stacey. Are you new to Davis? New to this site? I've been about 2 years, am somewhat new to this site. You must like books, like I do, with your "name" of [Just Books four Me] --- books are great, for sure. Anyway, tell me what you feel like and I will do the same

[The guy can't count or he's just really prone to lying about things.  2 years?  I told him about the site last year... so 1 year... and even if it was 2 years, who the hell is still 'new' at 2 years?  "Hi everybody, this is my 2 year old baby!  He's still somewhat of a newborn... so be careful.  He still has all that shit on him the doctor was supposed to wipe off, that's why he's a newborn!"  and also, "I've been about 2 years, am somewhat new to the site" is the most cryptic ass shit ever.    He told me he used to teach Asians how to write.  I now know why some Asians write so badly. Also,  I don't want to tell him anything...  It would be much much much too harsh.  Also... Who ends sentences with "for sure?" that's something I would say if I wanted to sound like a bag of crocodile dicks.]


Books:  Yes, I just moved here from the Bay. I'm very new to the site. I thought this would be a good way to find friends and maybe more ;).  I do love books!

[oh wait.  ok. I guess I did want to tell him something... Something awful.  Guh.... I feel freaking gross right now. I mean.. Writing "I do love books"... Ok no.  It was the "more" and the wink.


Aug 8, 2012 – 10:53am
J:  I understand. I lived in Berkeley for 3 years some years ago. The Bay is great, as you know. Why did you leave and come here? We both love books, and that is great! I used to sell rare first editions on line. Berkeley has some great bookstores, but some have closed. SF has a few good ones also. Well, it gets much hotter over here, for sure, Stacey. I'm on here to try to meet like-minded new friends too. Not easy "on-line", but I do hope to get to know you. Do you have any favorite authors?
Aug 8, 2012 – 10:59am
I must go out for errands now, before the big heat today. Back in a few hours.

[a two part-er!  For some reason I want to say that his selling of rare first edition books is total shit.  I'm sure he meant he's donated urine soaked books to the library at night.  AND!!!! surprise surprise!  The fucking weather shows up.  He knew he was losing me here... so he thought, "I hope I'm not being boring.... Better bring out the big guns here... time to really WOW this lady! Let's see... 'It gets much hotter over here, for sure!'  Boom! pants off please! She won't be able to resist me now! No woman can resist a guy that talks like a bag of crocodile dicks."]

Books:  Oh how fun! Do you still sell books?  I just accepted a job in Sacramento. The commute would be much easier from Davis.

[Right about now, I'm feeling bad about this.  I'm looking for an out because he keeps asking me shitty questions that I don't want to make up lies about.... but there's my answer to one of his questions.]


J:  Yes, book collecting & selling is fun. For me, it is modern literature. If you are going to work in Sacramento, yes, Davis much closer than the Bay of course. But Davis is more expensive than Sacramento, albeit smaller and safer with the University also. I hope your job goes well. Do you begin soon? --- wow, a real hot one today and thru the weekend says the forecast. Perhaps we can meet up sometime, have coffee or something. I'm not a fan of the real hot weather, I'm guessing you may not be either.

[I guess we're even now.  I dodge one of his questions... he answers mine in a shitty manner.  I've never seen him sell anything.  I still don't really understand what he means by, "For me, it is modern literature."  I'm guessing he means that he sells modern literature or he's really into modern literature.. but he writes it in this weird way... "it is modern literature."  makes me think back to his poem.  "Book selling is modern literature /a slinging of books to cats that can read / to feed the author mushy peas / Book selling is modern literature / Book selling is modern / BOOK.......... SELLING........ IS!!!!!!!!!!!! / Book selling... Book."  Oh, and you know what else I don't like?  how he starts giving this person living advice.  She moved to Davis.. why are you telling her about how expensive it is to live here?  She can obviously afford it with all the made up money I put in this made up person's made up bank account.  Well, we all know how he's going to bring this one back around don't we?  Weather talk.  It wasn't even that hot today.. so I don't really know what he's talking about.  Anyway.  I thought this was the perfect place to end it.  If I kept it up, I might have called him a truckload of of testicles or something... or maybe I would tell him that Miss Book has a weiner or something.  Oh, I've never seen an English teacher use "thru" too.]


There you have it.  The guy is loose with his commas and he's obsessed with telling people about the weather.  It's going to hit triple digits this weekend and our AC is broken, but I dont even care.  He'll either stick around and burn up and bitch about it (i may snap and tell him to shut up) or run off to the bay area where I think he sleeps in his car.

Anyway.  That's the end of it.  He did seem pretty happy today, which I sort of feel bad about.  All of that didn't really matter as soon as he started cooking though.  Hm... maybe I could have him cook this made up person dinner and see how much of the house doesn't get burnt down.  But I won't.  Oh, another thing about his oven antics... all that crusty burnt stuff falls out onto the floor and he never sweeps it up.  So it gets stuck to my feet and I don't like it.... I used to think it was my fault... you know, being extra careless with my spice shaking and somehow getting it all over the floor... but that's not the case.

And that's the end of it.  I enjoyed making fun of him at first, but then it just got to be too much.  It wasn't fun anymore because I realized that this person is brain dead and useless.  He's fake. he's phony. I genuinely get upset because of the things he does and I don't really like that.  

When I come home I see him drinking beer and eating ice cream while reading the paper for 4 hours.. Then he tops it all off by burning stuff in the oven, touching my stuff, and using everybody else's detergent.   Oh, along the lines of detergent, I ran out of dish soap and he put out a half used bottle of his stuff in my spot.  Why he had two bottles of half used dish soap I don't know... But I moved his bottled and bought my own.

There. Done.  The only other time you'll hear about him is if he moves out or tries to rape me or something.. Or if I manage to upset him to a point where he tries to fight me and I get to go fist to liver Tyson style.

Good night moon.

J&MC

"I'd like to say I remember it well, but I cannot because I was incredibly drunk that night. I was drunk because I was incredibly nervous, and that was always the way with me. Probably with the rest of the band too. Then we all just fell about the place in a heap. I remember falling over Bobby's drum kit at least half a dozen times, and remember seeing people's faces, as if the freak show had just rolled into town. Standing a few rows back with the big blonde 80s hairdo is my future wife.

I remember being interviewed in the dressing room before the show - and the guy was going on a lot about 'indie music' and we were just about to sign with Warners and he demanded to know why. We asked what was wrong with a major, and he kept saying they were all evil. We asked him to tell us five of his favorite records and all five were on major labels, The Doors, Love, The Sex Pistols."

I got a book today.

Head held high

The only thing that brings me down right now is who I live with. I don't want to be mean, but I just don't like this person. I have good reason to dislike this person. I'm not the sort of person that has negative feelings towards somebody else for no reason. I always have a reason.. And I believe my reasons are good.

To me, this person comes off as fake. He's a phony. "a great big phony." and that to me is the worst thing anybody can be. He tells me that personal space is important to him, yet, he constantly invades mine by using and touching things that are mine. He tells me somebody else moving into the house would ruin the energy in the house, but he doesn't realize that he ruined the so called "energy" me and my old roommate had when he moved in.

Half of the stuff he tells me is backwards. He says things that he thinks I want to hear, but I don't ever want anybody to do that. I asked him about my guitar playing. He told me my guitar playing, "wasn't great." but what does he know about the guitar? He doesn't know shit.

I had somebody over and he tells her, "oh yeah, he plays the guitar.. Quite well too." Fuck him. Phony bullshit, that's all he's capable of.

So I'm going to play my music at a higher volume. Im going to play punk especially loud because he says he's not into it. I'm going to be noisier in the morning. I'm going to ignore him when he talks. And most importantly, I'm going to succeed in life and show him how much of a fuck up he is. I don't care if he gets depressed. I don't care if he has to drink two beers everyday to escape reality. I'll be nice to him once he figures this out... I don't like him, and he's a waste of space. He uses an excess of resources without contributing to society. Fuck him.

I'm done. This is the end of my posts about him.


Other than that, today was pretty good.

Guh....

Old man bought some Shiner Bock beer. I know he doesn't like the brownish beers, so I don't know why he bought it. I've bought it a few times because I like brownish beers.

He has some Chinese characters hanging in his room... The words don't really have any sort of meaning. Or it says "law mountain".. Which I don't understand.

He has two phone numbers posted in his room. Next to one of the numbers it says, "Alice", or something like that... Next to the name it says, "Fat, likes modern art." the other one says, "Mary, kinda fat." in the corner of Alice's note he wrote, "horny"... I proceeded to throw up for the next three hours.

Laughing/crying girl gave me some weird detergent. I put the bottle in the laundry room in a very specific way so I could see if he touched it. He touched it. Rotated the bottle. I bought some delicious lemonade and placed them in the refrigerator with the labels hidden. One bottle was rotated because the old man can't help but touch my stuff.

I do not have OCD... But I would prefer it if old saggy breast face didn't touch my lemonade.

For my next trick I'm going to ruin the "energy" and "flow" of the house. That seems to really bother him for some reason even though he doesn't understand what it's all about.

The landlord didn't collect rent from him for some reason. Probably because he's a weird freak and he didn't leave his check out on the counter...they would rather delay their $430 payment than have to talk to him.

boltonites.

Gah... I made a fake email account, but I totally forgot the stupid name I made up... So I can't check to see if a certain somebody replied to a really awesome email I wrote.  It was so f-ing good too...

I was basically something like...

"Hi, How are you?  Would you like to go see Michael Bolton?"

annnnd. that's why it was awesome. Michael Bolton.

Well... it's probably unlikely that he replied to it anyway... but I would've played some Mexican lady that was kind of really obsessed with Michael Bolton.. my name was literally on some sort of life Oscar because my performance would've been that good.

But! again.... in order to conduct a bit of research for the role, I listened to about 30 seconds of a Michael Bolton song... I'm pretty sure the joke is on me and not him with the pranks I've been pulling..


Oh well.... my hand still smells like this person I shook hands with.  It smells good, but I need to wash it.

Band names

Here's stuff:

-Buffalo Ringworm
-Johnny and the Cosmic Trio
-The Fantastic Fantastics
-Monkey Bong Tokes
-Cheese Morphers from Space
-Wing Dang Doodle and Wang
-Poop on a Stick
-Somebody's Semen
-China Butt
-Momentary Pedophilia from the Up Stair Man
-Acid Rat Hammer
-Dirty Agnes and the Vaginal Warts

There. I spent about a minute writing down band names that I'll use if the old man ever asks me something about music.

But then if he's actually serious and not trying to make shitty small talk with me he'll probably google it... Or wait... He'll Ask Jeeves it or something awful like that and wind up on this blog post.

So.... I'm going to eat some fish now. Disregard EVERYTHING!!!