Presale Hearts

Facebook Vol. 1

2012-02-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

Facebook is wonderful. It helps you keep in touch with people you don't really care about. It also lets people share things. Things from ilovejesusonline.com... which sounds kind of dirty to me. Hey, what's with the 'online' bit too? ilovejesus.com works wayyyy better. Anyway... Read this (Replace "Me" with somebody else that's into this stuff):

Me: God, can I ask You a question?

God: Sure

Me: Promise You won't get mad
... ... ... ... [I don't know why the hell these are here.... yes, I said hell.]
God: I promise

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?

God: What do u mean? [Yes... God uses 'u' instead of you... or it's short for, 'you little dipshit.' It's understandable then.]

Me: Well, I woke up late

God: Yes

Me: My car took forever to start

God: Okay

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait

God: Huummm

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call

God: All right

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
[seriously... these are the worst things to be asking God about... My foot massager won't work? That sucks because I actually have feet to massage and it feels great. Those little crippled shits are missing out. I also missed a call... when the hell is this a problem? Go home charge your phone and call the person back. Oh, and the sandwich... My fucking sandwich had tomatoes because some Satanist was making it... it didn't have the urine and rat feces like I had asked. and my car took longer than usual to start... but it did start eventually and I wasn't even late to work.. even after waking up late.. Dude... I woke up late. That's something God needs to worry about? How about every morning you set your alarm and wake up and not bother God with senseless shit like this.. or you can worship Satan and he'll get you up every morning way early with a spike up your ass.]

God: Let me see, the death angel was at your bed this morning & I had to send one of My Angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that
[this is amazing... is that what goes on when I sleep in? I should wake up late more often]

Me (humbled): OH

GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that would have hit you if you were on the road.
[I thought this line was going to be special or something because God.. is all in caps. Hey, why not make sure Mr. Drunk takes a cab home?]

Me: (ashamed)

God: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick & I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
[This guy is so special that God looks after him for some reason... but come on God... he had to wait.]

Me (embarrassed):Okay

God: Your phone went dead bcuz the person that was calling was going to give false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered.
[holy fuck.... bcuz? This one is really weird... somebody was going to lie about something I said... and now I'm covered. Covered from what? Did I just buy insurance?]

Me (softly): I see God

God: Oh and that foot massager, it had a shortage that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.
[is that how things work? I really don't actually know... but using something with a short in it will knock out all the power in someone's house? I'm going to spend a day trying to knock the power out using faulty products... I'll probably electrocute myself before anything good happens.]

Me: I'm Sorry God

God: Don't be sorry, just learn to Trust Me.... in All things , the Good & the bad.

Me: I will trust You.

God: And don't doubt that My plan for your day is Always Better than your plan.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.

God: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I Love looking after My Children...

Guh... Bullshit. Now.... let's do this alllll over again. Properly this time.

Me: God, can I ask You a question?
God: I love that you used 'You' instead of 'you.' That really turns me on. So, sure. just don't ask me anything stupid.

Me: Promise You won't get mad
God: I'll get mad if I want to. I'm God, I do whatever the hell I want. Did you even read the bible? I do some horrible shit when I'm angry... sure you still want to ask me? Now go kill your son.

Me: Why did You let so much stuff happen to me today?
God: Because I'm God. Gaaah... I knew it was going to be a stupid question.. I just fucking knew it. But please go on, I'll put world hunger off for a little while to listen.

Me: Well, I woke up late
God: Satan has a lovely program with this spike. That's what I use when I sleep.

Me: My car took forever to start
God: You know.... it's not just me and you in this universe. You can ask other people for help if you don't know how to work your keys.

Me: at lunch they made my sandwich wrong & I had to wait
God: Dude... you're seriously making me angry.

Me: On the way home, my phone went DEAD, just as I picked up a call
God: I like how you emphasized "DEAD," I'm going to kill your dog now.

Me: And on top of it all off, when I got home ~I just want to soak my feet in my new foot massager & relax. BUT it wouldn't work!!! Nothing went right today! Why did You do that?
God: Well... where to start. You woke up late... and that's your own fault. Again. Satan. Spike. You'll be all set.

Me (humbled): OH
GOD: I didn't want you to start your car because you were actually drunk and I didn't want two drunk drivers to kill each other. I need to keep one so I can scare people.

Me: (ashamed)
God: The sandwich....... They made the sandwich wrong because I wanted to feed this starving homeless guy outside. What's weird is that he's homeless and he doesn't complain to me or ask me stupid questions or anything. So wait your 2 minutes for them to make your sandwich without lettuce and mayonnaise and I won't give you a heart attack for being such a little shit.

Me (embarrassed):Okay
God: Your phone went dead because you shouldn't be driving and talking on your phone. When the fuck was it so important to take a call whenever you were out? Did you know there was a time when you could only be reached when you were home? and let's go back even further to when you couldn't be reached by anybody unless they were in yelling distance. FUCK! I'm seriously going to kill some people after I'm done talking to you.

Me (softly): I see God
God: Oh and that foot massager... You didn't deserve a relaxing night after you couldn't deal with the most minor shit ever. But I'm now regretting it because now I have to talk to you about the most pointless stuff... and look! 10 kids just died of starvation. You stupid fuck..

Me: I'm Sorry God
God: Don't be sorry. I don't cause world disasters because of the gays and muslims. It's stupid people like you.

Me: I will trust You.
God: Yeah. You better fucking trust me. I'm God. Now go kill your son.

Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, Thank You for Everything today.
God: Well shit... since you won't kill your son, say goodbye to the world economy, and enjoy having a bunch of freaks 'occupy' things.. FUCK!

I totally get what they're trying to say here. But do they need to wrap it in this weird layer of crap? Here's all they need to say... don't be such a stupid fuck and if you can't deal with it, kill yourself. It's better for the environment.

uh... ?

2012-02-10T09:27:00.001-08:00

"Watch out, he has a golf club."

That's what happens when you wind up outside a bar or restaurant or a combination of both. Somehow I wound up outside this place where they had rules for drunk people. No fighting was one of them. For whatever reason, there was this one rebellious drunk. Total "What do you got?" rebel. Suddenly you're in a weird scene out of a movie where people are stumbling around trying to beat each other up like a bunch of purple zombies. One dude starts throwing rocks. Somehow one of them winds up with a golf club... and this all after a couple friends inside were arguing whether or not a snake on a dude's face was real or not.... it turned out to be real... but then a fight broke out outside.

So, "What out, he has a golf club." was my cue to wake up.

How messed up is that? That as a dream is the weirdest thing ever... Friends? I don't really have friends.

Giants vs. Patriots

2012-02-05T12:31:00.001-08:00

Of course the Giants are going to win. Don't be stupid. Unless the Patriots have some little kid named David who spends too much time playing with rocks, the Giants are going to win. I really don't think they do have a kid named David on the team. They have people named like... Washington and Jefferson and Franklin or some crap like that. So Giants win. Next week they'll face the Mutant Space Monsters and it won't be too pretty for the ol' Giants.

Wait.. was Goliath a Giant? I just checked on wikipedia and the dude was like.. 6 foot something.... and there's a picture of a kid holding up the severed head of Goliath. How messed up is that? You know what. F- it. Patriots win because they'll bring cannons and dead British people. Oh... and that little flute, drum, and flag waving number can't be stopped either.... man... I really want to kill somebody with a rock and cut off their head now. Gah! Look what I just read... "The biblical account describes Goliath as falling on his face after he is struck by a stone that sank into his forehead." Sank into his forehead. Screw that. I'm rewriting this part of the bible:

David and Goliath were always playing practical jokes on each other. One day, Goliath switched David's milk with some gross nasty chunky spoiled milk. David took a sip of the spoiled milk and got diarrhea for 7 straight days. Goliath spent the 7 days laughing. David wouldn't be pranked like that, so while Goliath spent 7 days laughing... David planned his revenge. The only way to counter 7 days of diarrhea would be to strike Goliath in the stones... with a stone. So as Goliath stood in the middle of the town laughing, David picked up a stone, placed it in his sling, and aimed for Goliath's genitals. However, upon seeing Goliath's dangling coconuts with king crabs and all sorts of other coastal sea creatures jingle jangling about with each boisterous laugh, David had to turn his head to vomit. Upon doing so, the stone slipped... and lodged itself deep inside Goliath's forehead.. and you could see his brains and shit... and yeah. Goliath shit himself too because he was holding it for 7 days because he was too busy laughing. Uh... irony or something... because David was in the bathroom so long that he basically had to pay rent. Oh... and then the town was super happy and made David king or prince or something.. because the town loved an asshole. King of the assholes.. And Goliath turned out to be a guy that was like 6' 8" or something... and nobody liked him because he was different... and Chinese. So David became king... I don't actually know what happened. But because this is the bible... God screamed down and said... "You fucking retards. Stop being so stupid. Stop acting like assholes. And stop painting me as an old man." With that said... God brought Goliath back to life and they went for ice cream with half the town covered in shit.

God wins the Super Bowl... with zombie Brett Favre at quarterback.

Superbowl

2012-02-05T11:59:00.001-08:00

Or is it?

A Guitar

2012-02-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

Really? Perrysburg, OH. That's where my guitar is now? I imagine it's the sort of place where you need to fart to make it smell better. You know.. the sort of place where you get so angry that you're actually in a place called 'Perrysburg' you vomit in the streets. I just googled "perrysburg oh" and the majority of the pictures are of houses, hotels, and one picture of a Best Buy. What's that supposed to mean? Well, before jumping to any conclusions, I googled "anaheim ca," which is the greatest city in the milky way galaxy.. and got lots of images of Disneyland and it's weird freak mutated brother that Walt kept in the basement forever, Disney's California Adventure. So.... from the looks of it... and using my shitty logic... the best thing about Anaheim is Disney shit (I believe it's the Mexicans, but whatever google). So, the best thing about Perrysburg, OH is... the houses, hotels, and one Best Buy. If I ever pick up a hooker I'll have to say, "We're not going to any hotel... we're going to one in Perrysburg, OH." and their eyes will light up with joy and their crotch will start glowing this gross shade of green because they picked up some horrible space STD and I'll say, "Damn, bitch! Get the hell out off my Segway."

That's why I'll never buy a Segway... but I bought a guitar.

SOPA drugs.

2012-01-18T16:29:00.000-08:00

I've been seeing a lot of this today:

"If ████ ██████ SOPA ██████ ██████ passes ██ ████ ██ ████ ██ ████ the Internet ██ ████ ██████ ██ will look a lot like this."

I did some research and here's how it actually reads without everything blacked out:

"If you let SOPA (incorrect grammar->) passes, lots of whales and things like the Internet, meaning your favorite porn, will look a lot like this."

Or actually... it's spelled SOAP. Go take a shower you nerds... and use soap.

Thinking

2011-12-02T00:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I want to put a bullet in my head so I can shoot it out of my nose.

Sometimes I don't know what I'm thinking too...

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T13:08:00.000-08:00

You know that last line in Catcher in the Rye? Something like, "Don't ever tell anybody anything. You just end up missing everybody." It was something like that... and I'm not entirely sure where I'm going here, but... turkey. Yeeaaaaah....

I remember seeing this bird as a kid almost every Saturday when my mom took my brother and I to this park which we so creatively called, "Ducky Park." To this day I don't know what the actual name of the park is... but it's Ducky Park to me. There was a whole bunch of ducks around. I remember taking this path that passed by this area where a bunch of chickens and a single turkey hung around in a cage. The turkey always looked horrible. Not that it was sick or anything like that, but it had a blue face... a wrinkly blue face with this red nutsack hanging off of its face. Turkeys look horrible. But that park was fantastic. I went back there a couple years ago and half the things that made it great were gone and I think there was some shitty looking graffiti on the rocks I used to jump around on.

So piss. Just piss. No... piss and tits to the park turning so shitty. I have such a string of expletives stored inside me but I can never bring myself to letting it out.

Anyway... happy Thanksgiving.

Somebody find me a bald eagle to eat.

Fame

2011-11-17T09:20:00.001-08:00

If I ever meet a celebrity, I'm going to ask them to take a picture of me so they can show their famous friends.

Valentine

2011-02-14T22:28:00.000-08:00

One day I'll be a mummy. When that day comes I'll sneeze my brains right out of my nose into a jar. No need for hooks. But until that day comes, I will always love you.

Now that's a freaking Valentine.

Tell your loved one.

Or look in the mirror and tell yourself that.

Love

2011-01-28T01:38:00.000-08:00

I was going to talk about getting into people's rib cage... but then it turned into this weird thing about leaves covering weiners and lady parts.

And that's love.

assface

2011-01-23T10:07:00.000-08:00

I......

am sick again.

Should I change my name to Assface?

Spanish Subtitles

2011-01-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

Well I'm absolutely convinced now. I'm convinced that spanish subtitles make everything better.

Take the Velvet Underground. Pretty good music right? Or let's just assume you were hit on the head with a coconut and now you hate them... ok. Here's the magic part. Add Spanish subtitles to their songs.... BLAM! Instant platinum record.

This genius is adding Spanish subtitles to Velvet Underground songs:

http://www.youtube.com/user/Transpopp

Why I am so amused by it I don't really know.. But this is enough to convince me that anything with Spanish subtitles is going to automatically be better.

It's like watching your favorite movie in French... totally makes it better.

Ok. New My Bloody Valentine album this year. I'm so damn convinced about that.

New years

2011-01-01T19:06:00.000-08:00

How did I end last year? I bought a guitar and took a shower.

With said guitar and a clean self I recorded some guitar crap and lumped it in with an old lecture on a lab.

Now if I could record everything in one take like I did with that I'd be hot shit. Magma style shit... but in the end it probably just sounds awful. Which is why I'm waiting for my current state of mind to wear off, get a few opionions... yes opinoins. opinions. here and there just to see how it really sounds. If it's all ok then I'll be off and running.

I only wish to be lukewarm shit. Is that too much to ask?

PS the new year doesn't start for another month... lunatics.

Cabin Fever

2010-12-20T20:01:00.000-08:00

WEll.thi s this is boring. Well this is boring. That's better.

The only thing that's been on my mind is going home. So I haven't done any sort of work. And I mean like... nothing. I'm inducing cabin fever, but there's nobody to kill so it isn't as fun as it sounds. No Indian burial grounds, no axe collections, no freak kids to beat up with a baseball bat, nothing... just boring old cabin fever.

It's probably nothing.

Giant Scissors

2010-12-17T22:55:00.001-08:00

Hello. I would like to know where one may acquire a pair of the giant scissors millionaire types are always using to cut random giant ribbons that may be impeding construction of their mansion type structures of sorts. I ask, because I have a fairly large bear outside of my window that I think only an extremely large pair of scissors will scare off...

Really though, if I get that rich, I'm cutting my ribbons with a giant gun.... a laser if technology permits. Watch me cut this shit everybody! Speed of light... you're too slow. Ribbon cut. Tear down this school so I can build a petting zoo full of rocks you fuckers. All those pet rocks are now MY pet rocks.

Nap

2010-12-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

I just woke up from a nap. The only thing I remember from my dream is I was playing basketball and somebody was driving towards the basket. So, I did the next best thing... As he went up, I bit the shit out of his fingers. I got away with it because it was like... I don't know why I got away with it. Sort of like it was a video game, so I could do that kind of stuff. Anyway. Basket averted. Human flesh tastes like Skittles.

De-fense!

What's that supposed to mean?

2010-12-06T00:02:00.000-08:00

The world cannot construct a middle finger large enough to equal what I'm about to do.

I'm going to print my homework.

Dear stupid New York mutant person,

Thank you for reading this.

Thanks.

2010-11-25T11:21:00.000-08:00

So I don't really remember writing much here, but it's Thanks-fucking-giving fuckers. Thank you all for being such fuckers. Like the landlord leaving a dirty oven for me to stick my turkey in. Yeah? Thankful bastard is probably laughing right now. And I'll laugh along with him, but the shit was just caked in burnt cheese or marshmallows or something. So fuck that. Fuck. That. But I'm thankful.

I'm also thankful for loud sounds. I've been sticking around on campus late to do ass homework.. and they have these signs set up. What I've been doing it knocking them down just to hear that wonderful clack when the wood hits the concrete. So thanks for that. Also thank you or somebody or something that I'm not so crazy with my ideas. The idea I had was using sound to sonically rupture microorganisms in water. It's totally feasible, but not practical since we already have some shit that does that to shit. So A+ for me there. I'm still going to get something to hit resonance and explode. That's my goal. I'm thankful for goals. Thank the fucking thank too. It's great.

Uh... I'm thankful for the fact that I can't hold a guitar pick. And when I strum this shit it goes flying off somewhere.

I'm thankful for friends... which I didn't go home to see because stuff needs to get done up here. And I'll have christmas to do that. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrright? I don't think they want to hear me tell them, "Thanks for being a good friend and a shithead and the same time because that's what you are. You know that you're a shithead right? No? Oh. Well you are, because you know me, but thanks."

You all know I'm thankful for so much shit though.. I'm even thankful for shit because it's so damn fascinating. So enjoy your thanksgiving.. the turkey is thankful but you need to be even more thankful for it or else you throw the balance of things wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy off. So have a happy thanksgiving... and if you're foreign just have a nice day... but bite a turkey in the ass.

So thank you for reading you dick bag. And thank me for writing because I'm such a shit pile. I'm gonna go clean out that shitty oven and get my turkey in there.... Something smells like it's on fire.

Thanks....... asshole.

Love you.

forganzidge

2010-11-11T03:33:00.000-08:00

So.

Here's

What's going

on.

Shit is weird.

Now as much as I like to make my brain just freak out and go weird, this is just too weird. Dreams aren't dreams anymore.. They're just ass problems that I haven't solved. So my brain does the next best thing. It tries to solve my problems in my dreams. Huh? I'm going to sleep or at least closing my eyes for a lot of hours. I can totally type with my eyes cloesd. Hey! Sleep writing yeah? It's totally great. What's a forganzidje?

Apple

2010-10-28T09:02:00.001-07:00

I've been having staring contests with this apple outside my window. I usually win, but I can't really tell. Just zero features on that thing. A round green freak that's going to attract fruit flies when it falls on the ground and turns brown and mushy. I mean, if it had eyes, I'd still win. If it had ears it would hear some good stuff and maybe it'll want to cling onto the tree that much longer rather than trying to sex up the ground to make a tree. I remember I picked an apple from that tree, my landlord tends to come back just to do that. I bit into it and it was the worst apple I've ever had. Sure, it had all the textures and features an apple would have, but it was lacking in the apple flavor department. Tomorrow I'm going to arm wrestle with the bamboo tree outside. I, of course, will win. Of course, if the bamboo tree did have arms I'd be dead right now. Well, if I'm within its reach.

Palm trees are assholes too.

Light and Insects

2010-09-28T21:38:00.000-07:00

I turn on the light and the space between my window and the broken screen turns into party central. I got 2 flies all sorts of little fruit flies and a bunch of other little shits that are really attracted to light at night. I'm sure one day they'll find a way inside either because I get stupid and decide to open the window (it's freakin' hot in here) or they just decide to get clever. It's totally cool, but you know... I don't really like to look at my window seeing insects freaking out because they see a light.

It's really funny how they're attracted to it though.

Dog poop

2010-09-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

The right chord will throw you off the top of a building and catch you at the bottom... sometimes it'll just let you drop, but when you do the concrete is the softest thing you've ever felt. What does this all mean? I shouldn't drink Red Bull.

The dog outside isn't enjoying Radiohead at all... or somebody stepped in its shit and its making a scene about it. Dogs poop everywhere in Davis. So as you're walking it'll just smell like shit.

Toilet

2010-09-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

My closest friend in this house is the toilet... or the calculator. I can't decide.

Blinds

2010-09-09T21:50:00.001-07:00

About an hour ago I had nothing to write about... Just boring stuff. I'm in Davis. Everything's weird. I miss everybody like a girl, but not really. You know that sort of thing.

But now I have something really facinating to talk about. My blinds. My blinds are now on the floor. After attempting to rotate the "venetian" blinds I noticed that only the left side was rotating. So... I started pulling on strings and stuff... then I noticed that the strings on the left side of the blinds were snapped. Fun! So upon tracing said snapped string, I found the other end. Taking the snapped end between my fingers somehow caused the left side of the blinds to collapse like somebody shot it full of Novocain and it just went numb and droopy. So....... having a sort of less than normal set of blinds going on, I pulled it down. My blinds are now on the floor and aren't really doing much blinding. In fact, the moths outside totally want to get at my light. I know I know... it's a really awesome light source, but you know. There's a window. I just realized the big moth brought along a bunch of baby moths. The sadistic side of me wishes I had a laser to just shoot the hell out of them and say some awful line like, "There's light for you," or "Bright enough for you?" It has to end in "you" or it doesn't work. It's stupid. Now when I look out the window I see a reflection of myself. That means I can't strut around nude or I'll gross myself out by looking in the now reflective window... blinds are equal parts protection from yourself and others.

Just Us - I Can't Grow Peaches on a Cherry Tree

2010-08-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

Bleh. I feel all weird.

I once had a tuna sandwich that made itself. This big fat assed tuna just jumped out of the ocean, possibly exercising to lose that fat ass, and slipped between to slices of bread. The bottom slice was ruined due to the fat ass, and the top was also ruined since it touched the slimey grossness of the fat sea assed tuna. Tuna assed sea fat... Fat assed sea tuna. Your choice there. Next time the tuna needs to throw itself on a knife and slice off the good parts you can eat raw, then toss itself on the fire to take care of the rest...

I see people in parks trying to get this to happen with birds. They make the mistake of ripping up the bread though.. What kind of sandwich is that? Next time I'm just going to leave a jar of honey between two slices of bread and end up with a bear sandwich. There's a sandwich you'll need to eat with a forklift, boxing gloves, a gun, bear cubs to threaten with the gun, and mayonnaise... trust me it's worth it.

So I was going to tell you about a 7" you should listen to. But you probably want a sandwich right now... at least I do. But forget it. Just totally forget it. Instead you're going to have to listen to the slow softness of Just Us. It's Chip Taylor and somebody else that I don't feel like looking up right now... his last name starts with a G and ends with an I... I think. Here's something I do remember, this Chip Taylor guy wrote "Wild Thing" and... another song that I also don't feel like looking up. And somebody here is related to Angelina Jolie too. Yeah? Yeah???? YEAH!

Just type in 'Just Us' into Google and toss in 'I Can't Grow Peaches on a Cherry Tree.' Whatever the first link is should be a good place to start... it should be some Canadian guy that has a bunch of really neat stuff. The information is better and so is the writing, there's just a lack of sandwich talk. Ha! Remember that talking sandwich that told you about orange juice?

Now this... I looked up.

Compare these two videos both labeled 'Weird.'

Exhibit A provides us with a stupid girl that thinks her stuffed bear drank the orange juice when it was actually her stuffed brother that they brought back to life. Stupid... not quite weird though.

Exhibit B gives us...... I don't even need to say.

I'm going to make a sandwich now and bite its face off.

And I feel less lazy now so here's a link:

http://www.raremp3.co.uk/2010/06/just-us-i-cant-grow-peaches-on-cherry.html

Metal Music Machine

2010-08-24T23:04:00.000-07:00

Ok. So everybody has to do it at some point. Listen to Lou Reed's Metal Music Machine. Seriously, I feel like I'm going to vomit. Really really really felt like vomiting there, I had to pull of the headphones and everything. Now is this because the music is bad or do I have some sort of ear induced vomit condition? I would say... a combination of both. Now, there's feedback... and then there's this shit that he threw together while high. It's one of those, "It was a good idea at the time" things. Even if you're high though, how can you enjoy this? Christ! I'm only halfway through it too. I was thinking it sounded sort of like R2D2 was getting chopped up... but I don't know. It's getting all squeaky. Oh.. eff this... fuck it. He found the tremolo switch. Lou. Lou! What the hell? Fuck it. Fu-ck this.

F

U

C

K

Fuck this shit. Drugs are fine, but if you're doing stuff like this when you're high then fuck it. Go get your prostate checked or something. Just don't do this. 3 more seconds... and it's fading out.

I'm not even going to bother with it again... and there's 4 sides to this thing? I just listened to a 9 minute clip on youtube and I thought that was too much.

I'm just going to vomit now. I don't even care where it goes. I'm going to vomit.

2010-08-24T22:21:00.000-07:00

!!!!!!

2010-08-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

Oh Shit! (A) Reader(s)...

Somebody get the monkey that types Shakespeare or else they'll think we're stupid.

I bite the shit out of my thumb at you and this delicious banana, don't even think about quarreling with me you ass face sir... human. Time to throw my shit at Capulets and scream and wave my bollocks around at the Motagues. Then I can chat up that Juliet bird and see if she fancies some monkey knob action. Cheers!

Sept 6

2010-08-20T23:51:00.001-07:00

I was going to review Thriller, you know that album that outsold all those audio books of the bible, but something else turned up. It would appear that Septermber 6, 2010 would be my last day in the warmth of the Southern California Sun. It's definitely different than that awful Northern California Sun, totally blue and stuff. So, not leaving forever, but for more time than I've ever spent outside of a place where you don't need to hug the trees because they hug you... and then they threaten you with guns and take your money. I'll miss that the most... until I come back. I'll come back with poison.

Mazzy Star = // (I can't find the delete key in the dark() She Hangs Brightly

2010-08-20T01:29:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure that funny bone nerve of mine is really out of place. My elbow feels all weird. So I can't lean on my left elbow because it feels like a bone is totally sticking out more than it should be. Now use your imagination and somehow all this elbow talk has something to do with Mazzy Star. The album is She Hangs Brightly... and it makes your funny bone act up.

So you get a good taste of things to come on the first track. The whole album could just be that first track played over and over and over again... which is probably why it's one of those single things and that first track will now be referred to as "Halah," the track name. An ok name for a track, maybe a weird name for a kid, at least in some parts of China. Hope Sandoval has this pretty voice, and I'm a sucker for prettiness. Everybody should be, really.

After that, it sort of goes bluesy folk something stuff or other-ish-ic-stic. Which isn't a bad route to go down, but for me the slowwwwwwer the song is on this album the better. I've been thinking about taking the slower songs and slowing them down even more, but I'd probably get to a point where Hope Sandoval sounds like a frog and all the instruments sound like a whale fart. So nevermind. I won't do it.

So the whole album is just a pretty voice, with some slidey drowny guitar. Not much more you could really ask for, unless you're greedy... I should really get this elbow thing checked out. At least listen to "Halah." I feel like I did this before.

Mandy + Jason - For a Time

2010-08-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first heard this, it was somewhere around midnight and I was getting my fingerprints and DNA (skin cells and hair only) all over a bunch of cassettes. After it was over, I knew I had to listen to it again, but being the procrastinator that I am I waited until next week to do so... but it's ok, because I listened to it for an entire day and it was great. I totally listened to it for an entire day and totally got the most wonderful feeling while listening when a guy with a bubble gun let loose and hundreds of bubbles floated across the street while I was stopped at a red light. A few lights later, with Mandy + Jason still playing, I saw the car in front of me hand a person crossing the street something. The person then tried to open the back door of the car, but it was locked so she stood on the corner waiting for the guy to turn into the plaza... I can only assume that it was money and the person in the car just picked up a hooker or their grandmother. It was magical.

So it's just total summer timey music. It does stuff. Magic! Remember those first few episodes of GI Joe (Yeah! I do), Destro is building a "Weather Dominator" to control the weather, thus leading to Cobra taking over the world. It was a pretty complicated system too, lots of bells, plenty of whistles, and a bunch of other stuff so they could fill the plot by playing hockey with it. Really though, take this tape anywhere. Instant Summer. You don't need a Weather Dominator. If you're an Eskimo... Inuit, don't even think about playing this in your igloo. Total meltdown for your igloo, I guarantee it and I don't guarantee much. After your igloo goes, then you'll totally melt too. That goes for everybody, you'll melt. Like you were chocolate people or something, you'll just melt. Like you were sitting out in the sun for too long. I don't care if you don't tan, you'll turn to chocolate and just melt while you're listening. The ants will be happy, but fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.....n. It'll be totally great.

Does it lose points for being short? No, forget about that crap. It's sweet... like chocolate. If this is their plan to turn the world to chocolate then what the hell, let it happen. It's just mellow summer time goodness from those terrible folks at Burger Records... Terrrrribly wonderful!

"Wow. Chocolate. Half Off!"

Dutchess and the Duke (c-ass-ette)

2010-07-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

"Gimme yer assredd....... Address... Grmmbmbmmmbmmmgg....."

I got some tapes today. I'm still trying to figure out who put them out. I really can't read it... it's written in elvish or Klingon or one of those nerd languages, probably English. It's a bunch of weird lines.... something Records. I can read the records part. Apparently it says GGNZLA Records. I thought it said 997 Z LA Records... but what the hell, GGNZLA. GGNZLA all day.

So I got three tapes, only one of which I was interested in, The Dutchess and the Duke's. Everybody can groove on this super moody stuff. It's moody as hell. I mean, my Mom gave it an 8/10, it lost points because she said it made her feel sleepy and she wanted to hear something more lively and upbeat. So I put something more lively and upbeat on and she gave it a 7/10 because it was too noisy. She also thought the guy that was singing was a girl. My Mom likes the tape.

My only complaint is that the tapes are individually numbered, but the number doesn't match up with the hand numbering on the artwork. Bummer. More because I'm confused. Maybe these are tomorrow's lottery numbers. Who knows. I got nothing now.

Good night.

Contrast

2010-07-12T00:35:00.000-07:00

I got a laptop. I got a headache because the whites on there are really intense. So I don't know. If I'm dying and I see that super bright light I might not go towards it. I might throw up and say turn it off or something. Where's the dimmer switch. This other place is hot, but it sure doesn't hurt my eyes. Maybe I need some sunglasses. High contrast used to be so cool until it made me super dizzy.

Automatic

2010-07-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

So I got the Jesus and Mary Chain's Automatic in the mail today. I popped it on and it was skippy as hell. So "Here comes Alice" was ruined. I just kept thinking, because it's mainly that track that has really awful skips... did this guy carry the record around between his ass cheeks or something. Well, after a good clean I think it's all right. I think I need a new needle too. But I don't know what I'm talking about. This rubbing alcohol smells. I turned the tone wayyyy up and it's trebley as hell. This album is just full of hell.

4th

2010-07-04T23:42:00.000-07:00

It's the 4th of July and all, America is rather happy. Hot dogs and stuff aren't too happy... I think there's something about acid that makes hot dogs talk to people. So don't do acid... especially today, things will get really noisy with all the explosions and large groups of talking hot dogs... and if you're just absolutely losing it, they'll gang up on you and throw you on the grill.

Here's a line, "That was the best dog ever." Something somebody said of a hot dog being cooked on a proper grill and not a George Foreman grill... It's a fine grill George, if you're reading this, now don't beat me up and send me a couple of fantastic (free) grills. But the thing about that line... an Asian said it. So, we need to make it a rule that whenever referring to hot dogs, we Asians call them hot dogs and not dogs... you'll just confuse people. Or whatever, just call them weiners.

It goes squared, cubed... and then what?

Reverse Psychology

2010-06-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

There was a button that said, "Don't click here" I clicked it... and was disappointed. So eff reverse psychology and it's Jedi tricks.

Swiss Cheese

2010-06-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened last week. This week will be better aye? AYE!? I... don't know what that means. But my brain is like... in my head straight. Frontal lobe is... uh... frontwise. or backwise... whatever direction it should be pointing, it's pointing in that direction. And! I'll get my revenge on... something. Like... cheese. Ever wonder why Swiss cheese has all those holes? Meeeeeeeee!!!!! Bang bang bang!

... why does Swiss cheese have all those holes?

spciks. spicks. and specks.!!

2010-06-21T22:15:00.000-07:00

So. The world "ain't" so bad. Or it is... it really is. It's full of shit. The world needs shit. People need shit. could you imagine yourself if you didn't shit? Toilets and more importantly toilet seats would be obselete... obsolte. wait. obsolete. there. Or actually maybe they'd still be around for the other end of things. Ok. Carry on.

So Spicks and [fuckin'] Specks. This isn't about a girl. but that song is. and it's pretty awesome.

Gretsch!

2010-06-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

Everything is making me smile right now. I don't know why italics is on... but what the hell. But I don't know how long I can put up with these slanted letters. Sort of makes you think they're up to something... leaning off center in a direction that varies relative to your frames of reference. So forget it. We're done. Done.

I got a Gretsch today. It's ridiculously beautiful. It plays really well it's just ridiculous. I've been playing total shit before I got this... . So what have I been missing? I remembered that I didn't eat that candy I bought from some kids that were doing a fundraiser... I'll eat it tomorrow. But this Gretsch. No words. No words at all... other than 'No words.'

The Lakers won another championship today. They were assing around and dragging a sack full of ass while I was listening to a speaker talk about industrial waste. Then they decided to do better when me and some friends went down to watch the game. Thanks Lakers. Sorry Boston... you scared the shit out of everybody though. And we can get into some Lao Tzu stuff... but whatever. Let's do it again next year. Is what people should be saying. Instead they're trashing up LA. Uh... you can figure this one out.

Oh. The Gretsch is so lovely. I can totally get into some Lao Tzu stuff with this now.

Thirty spokes joined at one hub;
emptiness makes the cart useful.
Clay cast into a pot;
the emptiness inside makes it useful.
Doors and windows cut to make a room;
emptiness make the room useful.
Thus being is beneficial
but usefulness comes from the void.

Right? It's a hollowbody.

$1 + $1 + $1

2010-06-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

Why did I buy their candy? I just wanted to give them money. These kids were out selling candy for... something that I'm still not sure about... money for a dance, money for sports. It's fundraising for kids, at least it better be. So I don't even want the candy, but I'm sure I'll eat it later and get all hopped up on sugars and stuff. But Snickers and Peanut M&M's aren't exactly favorites of mine. What's my favorite? Well the proper way to ask that is what 'was' my favorite... because the geniuses at Starburst got rid of it. Totally pack a day type stuff. And it's not like a Jolly Rancher where you end up with jagged edges, you get a smooth sexy piece of candy that's delicious... but also horrible for your teeth. '''''''''''' There was something stuck under that button and it was bothering me. It's gone now. The pretty girl at the supermarket now wears glasses.

My students are racist shits. That's all I have to say about that.

half of a smile.

2010-06-06T23:22:00.000-07:00

That shit was so fucking beautiful that I felt like crying. And it was just sounds. When you get beautiful sounds that's just it. You're done. And I'm done.

Time to go lie on the floor.

lay lie lay lie...

2010-05-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's going on....

87% happy.... Because the number 87 appealed to me. The only thing it has against it is that it's 13% away from 100 and it's divisible by 3... making it................ not a prime number. But... 27 isn't a prime number... and all its prime factors turn out to be 3. So... I need to lay down.

I need to lie down.

Still don't know which is correct.

Quick Reviews

2010-05-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

Top Drawer - Solid Oak
Brillinat. I mean... Brilliant. There. It starts off with this chilling tune.. and warms you up with groovy shit. Good shit... like for you smoking types, how you say, "This is good shit.... iiiiiiiiiit!"

Times New Viking - Rip it Off
Scientists have discovered a way to breed fuzzy fuzzy sounds with other stuff. My kid is going to look awesome... no wait. I'm sure if they cleaned it up it would sound just fine... but it's fuzzzzy... or i don't know what you call it.

Jimi Hendrix - Electric Ladyland
It's Hendrix. Don't fuck with Hendrix... or you know what. I will fuck with him... because I want his ghost to haunt my ass with his guitaring from another planet. Fuck you Hendrix. Your album is shit. S-H-I-T. SHIT! You sound like a cow humping a chicken on the 3rd floor of the Empire State Building. Now somebody record that so people know how it sounds. But really... Sorry Mr. Hendrix... you're all right.

Idle Race - Back to the Story
Buy it... or steal it and then buy it. As long as the final step is buying it then I don't care what goes on before it. Just don't kill anybody.

Vashti Bunyan - Some Things Just Stick in your Mind
Buy this one too. It's really pretty sounding.

Teenage Fanclub - Songs from Northern Britain
Let's see... if I were English I think I'd have something to say about the north... or like... Cornwall or something. I'll just say these perverts have it away with your ears every time you listen to them. They have better albums I'm sure, but this is the one I have to write about. Let's see. I think they have like.. these guitars. It's rad.

The Velvet Underground - Live at Max's Kansas City
So this writer and Warhol and somebody else sat at a table with a recorder or something. They order drinks talk about drugs and people they want to avoid and stuff... and the Velvets are off playing their tunes. This is after some sort of huge shit-storm or something. People getting moved about and I don't think I have my facts straight. They were playing at the same time King Kong was first introduced to the world down the street... then Godzilla showed up and the real shit went down.

Hard Candy

2010-05-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

I was digging through my drawer and I came across my last piece of Starburst Hard Candy. If I'm remembering correctly it used to be lemon flavored but the yellow has since turned to green. Perhaps the piece of candy has caught on to this fad of "going green" and decided the only way for it to do that was to turn green. I could also be remembering incorrectly and the candy was always green to begin with... but I find that unlikely because I would've eaten the hell out of a piece of green apple Starburst Hard Candy. The candy has also grown tired of being hard and has reduced a portion of itself to a jelly-like softness. Said candy was placed back in the drawer and will most likely have eyes, emotion, and a will to live when I come across it again... it'll also be pissed that I ate so many of them. That reminds me... I need to write the Starbusrt people and get them to bring this back.

I wear glasses. These commercials for 3D TV isn't showing you everything. Everybody there has perfect vision or they're wearing contacts. So... what's going to happen when I pick up a 3D TV... I'll be wearing 2 pairs of glasses... 3 if I want to be cool and wear sunglasses inside. So forget it. 4 eyes is enough for me.

I think my beer exploded..

Elephants... and pools

2010-05-20T23:36:00.001-07:00

My neighbors got an elephant and it's taking a huge piss. It's been going for like 30 minutes. It's ridiculous... or they're filling their pool.... or the elephant is filling it. Don't get an elephant if you have a pool.

3 Knives.

2010-05-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dude... ok. Am I ever going to have a dream where Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't trying to kill me? I mean. It started out as a Mexican guy, but the guy morphed into Arnold and then he threw three knives in my back... right next to my right shoulder. Why are people always trying to kill me in my head? Well... at least Arnold is the most creative. The Humvee and now throwing knives. Ok. These were Crocodile Dundee style knives too. Three of them. I'm equal parts terrified and amazed by that. Threeeee! So I walked around with 3 knives in my back until I woke up.

I don't know what's going on with Davis. Their machines are really slow...

5²

2010-05-17T22:52:00.000-07:00

I turned 25. The number 25 is boring. 26 is boring too. I'm a big fan of 27... 28 is ok too. 29 is prime, which is just awesome... but 25 is boring.

Karate Kid

2010-05-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

Uh... so they have this new Karate Kid movie. It's with a black kid and Chinese people.. instead of like... Japs, white folk, and a Mexican I think. So here's a few things that are wrong with this movie without me having to see it.

1. They called it "Karate" - Karate is some Jap form of fighting. It's effective and all, but us Chinks don't really play that sort of thing. Kung Fu Kid doesn't have a nice enough ring which is probably why they stuck with Karate Kid... the same way Bitch I Shrunk the Kids doesn't have the same effect as Honey I Shrunk the Kid... you know what, I'm going to finish this and watch that. Chinks don't do Karate.

2. It has Chinese People - Uh... Chinese people don't play good bullies, unless this is a comedy. We just can't look tough. Not really threatening at all. There are exactly 2 Chinese people that if you saw walking down a dark alley you'd fear for your life, and you wouldn't even get the chance to do that because they're that good. Bruce Lee and Bolo. Now if they had a bunch of clones of Bruce Lee and Bolo running around, yeah you would actually be scared and worried... and it would be like these guys are tough shit, don't mess with them... and how backward is it that the Chinese kids are beating up a black kid. I'm Chinese... we're afraid of black people. That's straight from the source. Get it right.

3. No Skeletons - I'd like to see how they work skeletons in. It's just not Karate Kid if the Karate Kid doesn't get his ass kicked by skeletons. Will the Chinks also know English? There's just some stuff Chinese people just aren't good at. Celebrating Halloween and speaking English.

This is going to be shite... and all the blame falls on the Chinese people... you're welcome!

Highway 61 Revisited

2010-04-30T23:24:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you get really close to dying? I had one of those. I picked up somebody else's drink and was about to drink it... but there was a pop and the glass shattered in my hand. I look down at the broken glass thinking my mind is playing some kind of sick joke on me, but when I look up the bouncers are shooting at somebody outside the doorway. They all collapse and this guy walks in with a gun. It's a crowded restaurant, but everybody is frozen in place but me and the shooter. The shooter goes off to the other door, fires a few more shots and kills a few more people. My head is now telling me that I should get down... so I do that, and I just freak out because I know everybody is going to die and I wake up. Sort of a dark turn for my mind to take...

So. This is just Bob Dylan's way of punishing me for not listening to side 2 of Highway 61 Revisited in its entirety. I remember listening to "Queen Jane Approximately" (pretty song) and then I went to sleep had that awful dream. So after I was all shook up by that dream, I put on side 2 again, just thinking it would calm me down a bit, which it did... and after I've finished side 2 and went back to sleep, I had a rather nice dream.

Not much was going on, there was just a nice girl in it. I remember buying ice cream which I can't find myself doing anytime soon, but it was just nice that she was there.

So yeah. If you're going to listen to some Dylan, don't piss him off or something by not listening to complete sides to his albums. Dylan's curse or something... and then he rewards you if you do listen to the whole thing, so that's pretty nice. And you get a bunch of good things for your ears too.

la vs d

2010-04-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

I think my brain will just leap out of my skull and say, "Fuck this, listen to your heart brother." I get absolutely torn between things when making decisions.

The World's Classiest Toilet

2010-04-12T23:23:00.000-07:00

Ok. I've seen some really awesome toilets in my day. There's these really round urinals at the hotel my university runs, perhaps the fanciest most awkward urinal I've ever been involved with. I'm not like a toilet expert or anything. But I know when I see something that's above and beyond everything else.

Now I'm not talking about the bowl part here. That has been completely over done. Golden bowls filled with water that has diamond dust in it or something so when you make your deposit the thing glistens and shines brighter than the countdown ball on new years eve... you know how it goes...

The flushing mechanism. That's where the action is. These days it's either something gross you don't want to touch, like at the bathrooms in a public park... to the mid level thing where you just walk away and it does everything for you.. or something so fancy that it doesn't even need to be flushed, it goes straight down a pipe or something. But here's something really classy. When I saw it, I was afraid to flush due to a lack of classiness on my part... but you know what? When you flush that toilet, the intense classiness it carries gets transferred over to you.

So I went and followed the instructions, "Push Rod Down." Upon looking down where the arrow guided me I was met by a man in a tux perhaps on his way to his wedding, but no, he will take the time to help you flush. Now tell me, what is more classy than that? Nothing... well maybe a bear wearing a business suit in an elevator, but nothing else can come close. So here's to you Mr. Groom... I apologize for the delay. When the time comes you can go to your wedding, but until then, you will be the absolute classiest individual to ever walk this planet... even though your legs are fused together... I salute you good sir, keep on flushin'.

I apologize for the number of times I used the word 'class' in all it's forms and varieties... But really, that's the only way I can describe this thing. Fucking class!

Standing Pandas.

2010-04-11T22:57:00.001-07:00

So far, there has been one thing that's just absolutely terrifying to me, hairy spiders. I don't want one crawling around me and if there is one around me, there's a very good chance I'll do something really weird to smash the hell out of it. I just won't be comfortable.

Now, to add to the list, standing pandas. Standing pandas. Why the hell do they look so creepy? I mean they're all cute when they're sitting or on all fours, but the second they stand, they become just really really creepy.

So... when I get the money and whatever resources I need to open a University, I'll open one in Anaheim. UCA. The mascot will be the Standing Pandas.

F-ing Terrrrrrifying... of the terror variety, not terrific.

Answer:

2010-04-06T21:34:00.000-07:00

A) I got very light headed because I was blowing dust off of my keyboard. I was trying to be one of those cans of compressed air. Didn't quite turn out as I had hoped, and I feel weird.

B) I got very dizzy because I was listening to stuff with an extremely high amount of tremolo going on.

C) I have to poop.

D) All of the above.

April Fools

2010-04-01T15:41:00.000-07:00

I have it worked out in my head that driving in reverse is pretty funny. So I'll be driving in reverse down the freeway or something... and I'll get pulled over, at least I really hope I get pulled over. That's when I tell the officer, "April Fools." and I probably get punched in the face and shot in the leg... the officer will also say, "April Fools." and drive off.

____ Stain

2010-03-30T22:27:00.000-07:00

I have this rash around my ears. It's really gross. I woke up with it Friday morning. It was awful. It was like a basketball. Ears should not feel like basketballs or any other balls for that matter.

Well, rash and all I decided to stick my headphones on and give this CD I got a listen... the same CD that was given to me, followed by an offering of a pair of white male's underpants that appeared to be really grayed out. Perhaps they are better suited for an individual more deserving... the CD was enough for me.

Still not going to mention the band's name... Well how about half of it. ____ Stain. Fill in the blank as you see fit. Bear Stain. Wood Stain. Rainbow Stain. Empire State Building Stain. Whatever... use your imagination. ___ Stain produce good solid tunes. They're about a minute and a half each. So every time you take a piss.... and really really take your time, you can listen to a song. That's a compliment. It's the only kind of music you can dance and rock to... take it with you to the bathroom and then piss to. Don't even think about trying this out with Stairway... It won't work out. Also, dancing and pissing should be kept separate... let's not make a mess of things. Good tunes... a fairly uncomfortable band name, but that's what they were going for. Now if Bill Clinton left a rainbow stain instead of whatever stain that was... things would be different.

If you're into scoring things.... (720 - 60)/50 + n = (18² + 5! + (2940/10))/10
Solve for n.

Score: n/100

Here's their website:
Cum Stain

Stuff coming out soon from everybody's favorite label.

basketball

2010-03-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

"Cal Poly Pomona beaten Indian for the NCAA division II championship. Yeah!" - ?

Not much else to be said, mistakes and all.

They're (T)apes

2010-03-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

I spent a few hours on Monday putting cassettes together with their art and into cases. You could say I was playing cassette god, and cobbling together a bunch of freak Frankenstein style tapes together. Mary Shelly already told us that's a dangerous game to play... but the day cassettes start picking flowers and killing little girls is the day I'll have to create the world's biggest magnet to save the world... and probably erase several hard drives, video tapes, and screw up whatever else is affected by magnetic fields. Wait... I need to do this. I'll take the Pop side from that Cleaners from Venus tape and stick it with the B side of the Shannon and the Clams tape and I'll have this fantastic tape with two colors... but wait, the inside will be the repressing of King Tuff's Was Dead. I'll give it the art from Ty Segall and just toss in those nice white cases, because the black ones are cheap chinese garbage that fall apart (it's ok, I can say that). I'll leave it outside when there's a lightning storm... but really... if I want it to be like that I'd need all those tapes. But wait, they're available now! Now!!!!

Burger Records - Tapes

Get your magnets ready... I'm going to make a monster. Check down at the bottom of the list for the new goodies.

So.... if you're lucky you'll end up with one I put together. My finger prints and my DNA (most likely in the form of skin or hair) are all over them. If that's the selling point for you... whatever, you bought it. If you never even wanted the tape but just my fingerprints dead skin cells I really don't care. So I guess.... free with every purchase, Chinese fingerprints and skin cells. *Saliva based DNA costs extra if you want me to sneeze on it or something* Don't be gross man... don't.

They were actually constructed in a clean room. I had to wear this body suit, mask, mickey mouse gloves, and these bags on my shoes. I tried sneezing but this guy with a gun threatened to shoot me so I had to leave the room, take off all that stupid stuff and sneeze. When I went back in a bunch of red lights were flashing because somebody farted.

A wizard came into the store and just waved his wand around and things were done magically.

It was a robot. A robot from the future gathered up all the tapes from everybody who bought them and returned them back to us, already assembled and new, for you to repurchase again. So really, you already own the tape, you just need to buy it.... think about it. Huh???

A few years ago we planted a cassette in a field and these tapes is what the tree puts out. When it's done with that it will provide us with, shade, branches, a house, and then finally a place to sit. It's a good tree.

The cassettes folded the humans and put them in a box. Upon completion, the cassettes returned to their cases, curled up next to their artwork and fell asleep with the satisfaction that they've made a difference today, the humans would not be returning again.

What really happened was the cassettes were assembled with love by lovely people that love to love. X's and O'x and sunshine... lollipops and rainbows, that sort of thing. So buy one or two or three...

Buy all of them... because you can and it's totally not illegal.

Blackout

2010-03-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

Ok. So, where do I start with this one...

On Friday I found out Alex Chilton died. Nobody really seemed to care. After listening to all the Big Star albums, I had a beer and went to sleep. Here's where things get out of hand... whatever you're thinking right now, it's not it. Not even close...

I think I was reading Catcher in the Rye or I was doing something that lead to me trying to explain this... I was trying to explain the meaning of 'Sinatra.' Now... somehow... I was absolutely convinced that 'Sinatra' was Latin for a femme fatale. I broke it down like... the 'sin' part was bad... and somehow the 'atra' bit was girlish or something. That's not even the weirdest part. The whole time I was talking about Frank Sinatra. So I woke up after that... and it was like (English accent now), "Hm. Frank Sinatra. Femme Fatale. Cheerio."

Now if that wasn't weird enough... I fall asleep again. This time it's like the 50's or something. I was in downtown Fullerton but it felt like some Cuban place. Like a really classy Cuban club where a Ricky Ricardo type would be performing. Now me and this other guy who looked like a mobster were sitting around. Something happens that I can't quite remember, but basically we steal a bunch of money and 7" records and the place is on fire. So we get into a car. It's one of those really curvy ones from the 50's... and we're trying to escape. It's all going great until we run into a New Years festival... it's totally some sort of Chinese New Year since the timing is all screwed up... But there's people all out in the streets with street vendors... I look at the street sign trying to find a quicker way out... but it says "Ostric" so I don't know where the hell I am. So we're like... inching our way down the street... and I just yell, and I quote, "What's with this New Years Nazi Bootleg Festival!!?!?!"

And... I'll just end things there. Blackout.

vit'min wat'r

2010-03-21T01:23:00.000-07:00

I wrote Vitamin Water today... or Glaceau... whichever one is in charge of things. I told them that I basically like their drink, but I don't want to pay for it anymore. We'll see how that goes. I also told them I tried making my own Vitamin Water by tossing a Centrum into some water. Of course that tastes awful... so I'm hoping they'll send me some good news... in liquid form and I'll drink it. Vitamin Water. It's like a stupid commercial. They better send me something or I'm going to start drinking something that's just ass for me... or some juice. If they have juice they can send me that too... probably should've mentioned that...

I also mentioned the reverse osmosis water bit. They use reverse osmosis water. I wonder what they start with, because they use reverse osmosis systems at some wastewater treatment plants. I mean, the shit is out of it before it gets to the reverse osmosis part, but still. Let's crack a deal with the cities and get a Vitamin Water plant stuck on at after the steps to reverse osmosis and disinfection is through with. I'll be that balloon stuck at the end of the pipe... so ready to burst, but pretty darn funny looking.

hjklhfdsaaaaaaaaa

2010-03-17T00:25:00.000-07:00

My eyes just sort of turn on me. It all happens so quickly. I get tired earlier for some reason with the time change. It doesn't really make sense. Why even bother with the time change anyways? I just can't stand the fact that this last Sunday, anytime between 2:00 and 3:00 AM never existed. While we're doing stuff like that, why not make tomorrow Christmas and the day after that St. Patrick's Day, toss in New Year and hour between the two days, and move Winston Churchill's birthday to Friday... I'm going to stop because I almost typed 'burthday.'

Good day to you!

wandering eyes

2010-03-13T00:44:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking with an English accent. It's pretty good now isn't it? I'm going to start reading with an English accent as well. Did you see how I said 'as well?' It didn't sound right saying 'too.' I'm really not that put off by this, so I believe I'll continue. Actually, if you're reading this, and you're English, you're already reading this with an English accent. I appreciate that, I really do. Unfortunately, I'll have to ask for you to read this in... forget it. Do what you want. I can't stop laughing.

"What was he talking about for your eyes to wander down to his penis is what I'm trying to say. What made you look at his penis?"

"Because I got bored."

raisin eyes.

2010-03-12T00:36:00.000-08:00

I'm cold. and tired. Actually, I'm tired and cold. Tiredness takes precedence here... if that's what precedence means, but I'm too tired to look it up. I mean. The spirit is totally willing to stay away. my mind is sharp as hell and stuff. But my eyes... my eyes would like to do something. I don't know what they do when I sleep. I learned as a freshman in health class that they move rapidly. How is rapid movement supposed to be relaxing? Why can't they move around rapidly when I'm awake so I can skip this whole deal with sleeping. Ok... I'm done with this, they're totally raisins. Raisins! California Raisins for eyes... and you know exactly how terrible those wrinkly purple freaks are.. they are however, fairly delicious given the proper surroundings.

good night.

'sweet dreams please.'

I'm drinking Hi-C too.

fingers

2010-03-08T01:14:00.000-08:00

I'm going to tape a pen to my hand and write on some paper. My fingers are sick of working for me. So fuck you all. That was my fingers talking.

Sorry.

keys.

2010-03-05T23:22:00.001-08:00

You want to know what the worst shit ever is? A while ago I couldn't find my keys... and I thought typing 'keys' into Google would help me find them.

Ok, I know there's worse stuff than that. You know, like traffic in LA, Spinal Tap's album Shark Sandwich, or eating a burger and having it fall apart on you. Stay together you stupid burger! Who's the stupid burger engineer that worked on this? The extra bun in a big mac is there for the hamburger's structural integrity. It creates friction which allows the patties of meat to stay in place and not slip around like a banana on a soapy floor. Now look. I'm left with more meat than bun. That's not how a burger is supposed to end. That's how a Wendy's burger starts. Or something like that.... but what the hell... it's delicious. And I'd eat it again... and I'd freak out just as bad the second things start slipping.

bleeding eyes

2010-03-02T00:27:00.000-08:00

My eyes are bleeding. On the inside. It looks gross. My students wanted to know if somebody punched me in the eye or something. I told them no... because I don't even know how it happened. I would find it quite comical if it were caused by a punch... because that would mean that somebody would have to come at me double fisted (drinks optional), apply some amount of force that would cause my eyes to bleed and not just break or whatever eyes do on impact, and leave the rest of me fairly presentable. Well... if anybody is going to do that it would probably be Superman. He's such a dick.

unfresh donuts

2010-02-28T17:26:00.000-08:00

At least when I collapse and fall, it'll look like everything around me is rising.

I guess those were blood stains... or coffee or something else that stains.

Maybe not, because they washed out pretty good.

It smelled like donuts though.

Unfresh donuts.

sleepy. eeeeeeeepy.

2010-02-24T23:30:00.000-08:00

Trashed on equal parts sleepiness and sleeeeeeeeeeeepiness.

I just spent the last few minutes staring at nothing. So much for sleeping with my eyes open.

Time to close them for several hours. When I wake up I'l..l...... I'll figure it out when I wake up.

Good night.

'Sweet dreams please.'

An Essay... I think.

2010-02-23T00:29:00.000-08:00

The first time I stepped through the doors to the area between its walls, the strangest, yet, most fascinating rendition of "I Heard it through the Grapevine" was softly flowing out of the speakers. Somewhat lost and unsure of where to turn next, I found myself searching through the stands set against the walls which were painted the most pleasing shade of green... of course if I keep writing like this my brain will end up on the floor because it'll just be so sick of things that it will just leap out of my skull to try to get away. Of course my brain will then return and reattach itself to me, because you know... I'll be dying and my brain doesn't want that to happen. But yeah. That's how the essay would go... not my essay. Some other person's essay. It was about "a place you've never been before." Oh. and I was talking about Burger Records... and so was the person writing the real essay.

But it should really go:

"I've never been to Burger Records, but upon entering the store, I believe that qualifies me as having been there. Maybe even just being outside counts because they have records out there too. So maybe I'm missing the point of this essay. I can't really write about any place that I physically visit or even perhaps 'the opposite of physically' visit either, because in some time and place I believe that also counts as visiting. Come to think of it, I can't really write about anything. Because there will always exist a moment where I've visited a place. It's like that Schrodinger's Cat deal... Uh... maybe not. I'm thinking about it and I'm just getting confused. But hey. It's Burger Records. Records! Persons! Places! Things!Sometimes in a different order, but they're there. If you're still not convinced this paper is an A, just stop reading it... and put it in a box with some radioactive material, a radiation detector, and a stamp with an A on it. At least that way you can fail me and I can be happy with an A. Win win. You win only if you go to Burger Records... and since you've stopped reading... this assignment is stupid. I don't expect you to read this so why should I write it you dickbag?"

Somebody gave me shower gel and some other bottle of soapy stuff. All I'm thinking is... I can't drink this stuff, why did you give me shower gel? Do I smell?

I'm going to start calling things I like, 'science fiction.' This burger is science fiction. That band is totally not science fiction. One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest is science fiction. It... will get confusing.

leg(s)

2010-02-17T23:11:00.000-08:00

I've suddenly been overcome by the strangest of sensations, one which makes me feel that I should pull off my legs and just go legless for a while. If only they grew back...

New Year

2010-02-13T23:29:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year. For real this time.

Top Drawer - Song of a Sinner

2010-02-11T01:18:00.000-08:00

It's a little off beat, the singer is mixing up his words, the strings come in at the wrong time, the drummer stops drumming halfway through the song because he found out his cat ate the last Snickers bar, you can hear a girl smoking a cigarette towards the end of the record - she's also stepping on a bed of flowers, the guitar goes out of tune after the first bend and goes wayyyy out of tune after the second, you can hear a pin drop, it's followed by the dropping of several thousand pins, a massive wave of pins, a torrent, and you can hear each and every one of them hit the ground, like you're watching layers and layers of old Sprint commercials... and then what? silence. did you go deaf from the pin drops? no. just silence. you can hear a small ringing in your ear. molecules. crashing against your ear drum... it gets louder and louder and louder...

the needle hits the record... and the organs come in.

It's either the weather or the song, but something has me shivering. Perhaps an equal amount of both.

Medication #2

2010-02-03T23:43:00.000-08:00

Hello, this is Nelson's medication. You know, that bootleg bottle of Robitussin. I'm purple and grapish flavored... just call it purple. Actually, I'm more of a violet. I taste violet. I am currently doing a very good job of unstuffing Nelson's nose, but a realllllll ass of a job preventing him from coughing. It's like this joke I play. You drink me and I tickle the shit out of your throat so you cough. I'm totally loaded with chemicals that trick your brain into thinking you don't need to cough, but there's nothing like that smooth violet taste running down your throat that makes it get all sorts of tingly. Oh, I'm also the secret ingredient to a Flaming Homer... or Moe if you're caught in that one episode of The Simpsons.

We all miss Karen Carpenter don't we?

medication

2010-02-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

At this point, I believe it's the medication talking. What does it have to say that's any different than what I normally say? Probably nothing. It does, however, have the potential to be more coherent... or... some other word like that. Ok. So maybe the medication doesn't have that much to say, and it's just making me very... very.... verrrry... verrrrrrrrrrrry tired. My dreams are going to be a mess tonight.

Here's to leaving motion trails when I wake up from a dream of being attacked by a tiger... only to gently push it aside to evade its ferocious bite and slip out of the way to close a wooden gate.

PS: new strings feel extremely lovely on your fingers as well as your ears... well maybe not when I play... but come on over and give them a feel for yourself.... yourselves.

human ordure

2010-02-02T00:33:00.000-08:00

I had so much to say earlier, but I got caught up in something else and now I can't remember what I had to say. It was probably about Contra or wait, no, it was something about power. P = IV type stuff, but that's just boring.

I don't know how I got sick again, but I'm sick again. This is the 3rd time I've gotten sick since this whole swine flu thing started. And hey, h1n1 is not less threatening. It may be good for pork, but come on. First of all, I'm sure the pigs probably want it to be called swine flu and second of all h1n1 sounds like some sort of robot flu. Hm... maybe my computer is getting me sick.

Oh. I totally got in some Mexican guy's picture as he turned around to snap a picture of a truck I was walking by. At least I hope he was taking pictures of the truck...

Now I remember, I was going to talk about Jonathan Swift. I remember doing an essay on his whole 'Modest Proposal' thing. But that's not what I want to talk about. The lovely people over at the Kilkenny International Swift Society were kind enough to send me digital copies of the piece entitled, 'Human Ordure.' It's really hard to read because the S's look like F's. You know, sort of like the F holes on musical instruments. It's really throwing me off in an already complicated read for this dummy. Well here's their website:

http://www.swiftsociety.com/

I don't know what else I can do, my list of people, places, and things... or uh.. my list of nouns that I owe things to keeps growing. I hope I can start paying them back soon in a way that is better than something so plastic... like flowers and a large box filled with balloons attached to several more balloons attached to a... puppy holding a kitten holding a thank you note... the bacteria on the thank you note will also have thank you notes. I'll provide a microscope for that.

Be Nelson

2010-01-19T23:10:00.000-08:00

"Nelson, They are all done; when the alumni association hits you up for a donation, be Nelson."

I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. My jaw hurts.

Cocaine discovery prompts investigation by NASA

2010-01-16T23:53:00.000-08:00

When I first saw the headline:

Cocaine discovery prompts investigation by NASA

I started thinking about what exactly this could be about. Is it about space drugs? Or maybe it's some form of cocaine that's so terribly potent that your nose falls off and you turn into Mr. Potato Head... well unfortunately it was neither of those. It was about drugs being found on the floor and people getting drug tests. Guh... come on NASA. I was expecting to see stuff like:

'Well we didn't find any water, but there was a lot of cocaine on the moon.'

Well let's just stick to taking pretty pictures with super powerful telescopes and finding planets that are really really far away so we can watch aliens do their space drugs. Really. Martian cocaine. Red planet.... something. What do they call cocaine these days? Red planet blow. Green people's coke.. You know what? Those green people on that red planet is really quite festive. We should go there for Christmas some time in the future.

NASA... let's solve this drug mystery quick so we can get back to looking for water in places it probably isn't. Can they just replace the word "water" to make things at least a little bit more exciting? I mean, I love water, but when it's space water... it sort of takes the fun out of things. So that thing they did a few months back, where they exploded a chunk of the moon or something to find water... let's fix that right now.

A few months ago NASA blew up a part of the moon to see if there were any traces of cats, monkeys, and cheap Mexican candy on the moon. There. It's like a really awesome pinata... really though... the moon is the ass of the sky. Sort of like how the ass is the moon of the body... sort of.......... ok maybe not.

Long as I can See the Light

2010-01-15T02:35:00.000-08:00

In about 15 hours, at that time last week, my grandmother passed away. My mom tells me for the next few weeks her spirit will wander about before traveling on to a place much better than this world.

Here's "Long as I can See the Light" for your auditory pleasure. Smile.

Press play.

Tell my grandmother her legs are better now, so she can visit anytime.

sleeping

2010-01-14T00:59:00.000-08:00

I'd sleep with my guitar, but I'm worried about rolling over and smashing it. Or it may roll over and smash me. Holy shit! 1:00 am? Good night.

spinnnnnning.

2010-01-12T00:16:00.000-08:00

I start thinking about it and my head starts to spin.

quicksand SoP

2010-01-05T00:40:00.000-08:00

Ok... I said I was going to write something pretty and it started out pretty enough. But towards the end I was getting dehydrated or something, so it wasn't as pretty. It was ugly. I had to use the Backspace key a lot. It was stupid. I even thought about throwing that in. "I'm dehydrated now so my writing is ugly, that's why water is so important." But I didn't... it would've been really really ugly then. Like an ugly dog wearing a ugly cat. It's terrible. Oh. and having David Bowie's "Quicksand" start playing a paragraph into my 'statement of purpose' didn't help that much either... I heard "don't believe in yourself." and it was like... holy shit... I'm going to keep listening to this song even though it's not the best thing to do when you're writing about tooting your own horn. In my case it's a guitar. I don't know what that's supposed to mean.

This tastes like soda

2010-01-02T00:07:00.000-08:00

The Velvet Underground's Live at Max's Kansas City is better than the 1969 live album.

That's it.

If you need to ask why... well give it a listen and hear for yourself. There's a guy on there that's telling a girl that his drink tastes like soda. Awesome.

fresh bread... or strawberries

2010-01-01T02:01:00.000-08:00

I had 8 hours to write the song of the year... I didn't.

How can this year be new if it doesn't smell like fresh bread? Fresh bread is perhaps one of the best smells there is. Really. What's better than the smell of fresh bread? If you're a dog you'd probably say another dog's butt. But I'm human. I'm going to say fresh bread... or strawberries.

Well. 364 days and so many hours to write the song of the year. It'll be about fressh bread... or strawberries.

I can't feel my fingers anymore. I'm done with this.

Happy new year... you're all so crazy though. The new year is still a month away. Ha! That's what I get for being Chinese... So maybe I still have another month to write the song of the year.

Hm.... maybe it won't be about fresh bread......... or strawberries. But maybe I'll have that for breakfast.

²

2009-12-26T23:55:00.000-08:00

Something about being square and making negatives into positives. But I don't think anybody would get it.

Whoever sent me the lyrics to the in-between part of Audacity's 'Twilight Zone,' Thanks. Now I just need the rest of it and maybe some other lyrics to others songs... and I'll be, perhaps, wayyyyyy too happy. So maybe... don't do that. I'm at a good level of happiness right now anyways.

Here's a short list of things you don't want to receive for Christmas:

1. Christmas wrapping paper
2. Smelly fish
3. Mannequin torsos
4. Donald Trump
5. A lawnmower for your house boat... or boat house. Those boats that you live in.

christ-men

2009-12-24T22:47:00.000-08:00

Theraflu is knockout juice. Don't raise your fists and tell me, "That ain't knockout juice, this is!" I swear I had motion trails when I woke up in the middle of the night. Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate. Oh. And I've gotten sick 3 times since this whole swine flu thing came about... 2 of the 3 times it has escalated into something awful rather than remaining in the decent parts of being sick. I probably should've ended with the Merry Christmas here... how the heck does X mean Christ anyways? X-Men... Christ-Men, with Professor Christ. That's so awful. Awwwwful. Well. Merry Christmas. No x's.... but plenty of o's. or the other way around. It's the other way around.

A story with another story.

2009-12-21T13:16:00.000-08:00

"I grow weary of having toes," said the explorer as he placed his bare feet into the snow waiting for frostbite to set in.

I'm asking myself if I should go out wearing a mask, looking like I'm going to rob a bank or do I go mask-less and run the risk of infecting people with this strangely weak illness that only gives you a terrible sore throat?

Infection it is. I can still rob a bank anyway. "Give me allllllllll your money or I'll sneeze in your face! Wait... hold on. Ah... Ah..... Aahh.... oh.. no. Nevermind. I'll be back later when I really need to sneeze. Please don't call the police. I'm actually a very important person who works for the city or something. So if you call them you'll get fired and... Wait here we go. Hand it over! Achooo!" Unfortunately it won't work out so well. Since I've grown accustomed to covering my mouth when sneezing. Manners. Scientist should come up with some sort of manners gas that criminals breathe in and become extremely polite. "Oh dear me. It would appear that I have my pistol pointed at you. Terribly sorry for that, chap." I'm much better at typing an English accent than I am speaking it.

"Perhaps one day I'll come to realize that I truly miss them," and with that, his toes have gone off to wait for him in his next life.

Inglorious Basterds

2009-12-15T23:57:00.000-08:00

Gaaah... what the hell. Quentin Tarantino went all cinematography nerd or something on us here. I was expecting a whole lot more nazi killing and less super close up shots of random stuff. That's pretty much what you get. The story is decent enough. There's a lot of talking and stuff which I found boring at times, but it fits. Brad Pitt is good and it's nice to see Ryan the temp / hottest in the office or B.J. Novak doing some scalping of his own. But really. You get maybe 5 scalpings max... when it really should've been at least 600. I thought maybe he'd have a little counter or something. That would've been funny. or not. if you're a nazi it's not funny at all. So of the 2.5 hours you get maybe 30 minutes of nazi killing. But don't get me wrong. The nazi killing is grrrreat. So, due to a lack of nazi killing I'm going to give this a 40/64. You can do the math yourself. Or grab a box of crayons... the 64 color one and take out 24 crayons. That'll give you a visual interpretation of how short this movie fell from being perfect. Oh. If you're some movie genius and you disagree with this........ shut up. I just feel let down by the lack of a nazi massacre that spans 2 hours.

The short story: Not nearly enough nazi killing. Far too much nazi (something that rhymes with killing and means talking)... uh... space filling. 40/64 crayons

I go a few months without this awful chest pain deal and now it comes back. Seriously. It's some ass bag with a voodoo doll. I just know it. Or it may very well be the fact that when i sit and play the guitar at a weird angle, the guitar digs itself into my chest. One of my ribs is probably dislodged or something or stabbing my heart. I don't know. It doesn't feel good.

coconut

2009-12-15T01:34:00.000-08:00

I've never put a lime in a coconut and drank them both up. Next time I have a coconut (possibly from my brother) in hand though, I'll do just that. If it really does give me a bellyache then that'll be awesome because I'll be able to call a doctor and tell him that I put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up. But the strangest thing is that he'll tell me the same exact thing. To put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up. So the cure for the bellyache from the lime and the coconut is a lime and a coconut... or the problem for the cure is the problem cure for the cure problem cure cure problem cure. Delicious.

Oh. and if this somehow has some metaphorical poetic stuff going on then, I'll have none of that. I'm talking about a coconut and a lime. or a lime and a coconut. Why the hell is that stupid combination so repeatable. Nilsson!

movie star

2009-12-11T23:58:00.000-08:00

Well this just tears it. It absolutely tears it. Somebody told me today that I looked like a Chinese movie star. They then added he's not popular. Thank God and any other mystical powers and strange physics which control the universe for that added remark. The last thing I want to be is a Chinese movie star. Why? They suck. Chinese movies suck. They used to be good... you know, when England owned Hong Kong. But now... they suck. Really. I'm Chinese I'm the first to know when something sucks about my people and culture. Oh. right. And if I look like a Chinese movie star they must all look like ass.

And also from the two hour walk from yesterday: A university called, "California University of Management and Science." I just went to their website and they call themselves "CalUMS." They could've just switched Science and Management around... buuuuut... I'm not the person in charge. There was also a sign next to the CalUMS building for a "Pain Control" center. After I saw that sign I spent the next 10 minutes thinking about what actually goes on in there. Like some guy who knows how to control his pain or something. "Ok watch me control my pain, I'm going to make my right arm hurt. Now my left arm. Now the meaty area behind my knee. See? now you try... great! That'll be $600." Or it could be worse. Rather than actually healing the person you just teach them how to live with it and "control" it probably the same way you control your anger. Pet the cat. Easy there angry bear. King of the Hill will be missed.

oil change.

2009-12-10T23:34:00.000-08:00

Today I let some people drain my car of it's precious motor oil so it can be replaced with new fresh motor oil. My car is sad to see the old oil go, but also happy to be all lubricated and stuff. The guy opened up the tank and started draining everything out and my car just started crying. Really strange noises too. Like, "rRrRRRRwah......." My car is weird.

For whatever reason, the dealership takes 2 hours to change my oil. That means I walked around for 2 hours. People these days don't really go out for a good walk. Really. If places weren't so far apart from each other I'd walk everywhere. It was all pretty good. Except the part where I thought the bus bench jumped out at me. Seriously the thing moved at least 3 inches towards me, but I was the only one around it. I'm beginning to think that my mind is playing tricks on me, but I'm still not certain if me thinking this way is another one of my mind's tricks. What a terrible place to be. Luckily I have room in my heart for things. That's a stupid place too. The constant beating and... well it's mostly beating. Just deal with it if you're in there. I keep a relatively even beat anyway. Use it as a metronome.

guitar strings

2009-12-09T23:19:00.000-08:00

So I got a new set of guitar strings. The place I got them from was weird. They had a deal where you get 2 sets of guitar strings for the price of 1. Sounds like a good deal right? When I got there, the strings were each priced at $11-something, which is two times the amount strings are normally priced at. I thought it was just mislabeled. So I was like, "Yeah can I get a set of those strings?" and the guy was like, "Sure, it'll be $6... blah blah blah." He really did say that... not really. At this point, I thought I'd be clever and mention the deal they had going. "Oh, can I get two sets for the price of 1?" and he was like, "Yeah, two sets for $11." So in my head I'm thinking, "What the shit?" So technically... I'm getting 2 sets for the price of 1, but only because 1 set is priced at two times the amount. Oh rock star math... glad they don't teach that in public schools. I don't know what the hell goes on in private schools. And I don't want to know. But really... I can't decide whether this is the stupidest pricing schemes or one of the most brilliant. It feels like you're saving money, but you're actually just paying the same amount. So... if I didn't need to be somewhere else I probably would've stood in the store staring at the guy for the next 20 minutes going, "Uhh....... does not compute. Error. Error." If I could do a 60's robot voice I would. But what the hell. The guy obviously knows what he's doing because I got the strings.

The package says, "Element Shield Packaging means longest life Factory Fresh all the time." So I took them up on that. As soon as I opened the "Element Shield" I stuck my nose right next to the opening and gave it a sniff... it smelled awful. It was like that new car smell... but not for a car. Probably like if you get a plastic ass or something it smells like that. New ass smell. Good to know though. Also Spinal tap uses Ernie Ball strings... so use Ernie Ball strings. They should just throw my name in there too. It's a really long list. I'm sure nobody even reads everything. Just put something random in there. I used to do that in my English class because I knew the teacher didn't read our journals. I'd write terrible things. He'd have a topic on the board like, "What do you think about the speed limit on the freeways?" and I'd start of with something about freeways and speed and then I'd get into how stupid writing about it was. It's tough to fill a page.

But really. If you're not not using Ernie Balls you're stupid. I'm glad I didn't write that as Ernie's Balls. My guitars are so accustomed to Ernie Ball Strings that they start vomiting if I put on another brand. They continue to vomit several days after the strings have been replaced because all the other shitty strings leave such a terrible taste and feeling on them. Ernie Ball should hire me to advertise their stuff.... and other companies should also not kill me because I called their strings "shitty." I'll say anybody's shitty if they give me the money. How awesome would it be to get paid to say 'shit' all day?

After saying 'shit' about 4000 times in an hour I feel extremely guilty and would like to resign as the guy that gets paid to say 'shit.'

still.

2009-12-07T23:13:00.000-08:00

Still working to get the sounds in my head to come out through my guitar.
Still working to get the words in my head to come out of my mouth.

tire

2009-12-05T03:41:00.000-08:00

I need to do a few more listens to make sure what I'm listening to is like... the stuff I'm listening too.

My head is absolutely spinning... so Maybe. maybe. MAYbe. tomorrow. It has nothing to do with the month of May. It's December dummy..

I tire.

Similar to a wheel.. but not like it.

not a ghost

2009-11-29T23:23:00.000-08:00

The Audacity is a band that sprinkles bits of opium on their musical notes so you get completely hooked by listening to it... and being Chinese, the sprinkles of opium is both the best and worst thing ever. But really that's all anybody can ask for. Music that'll bring you down and pick you up. So when you feel the awfuls, you'll get your dose of uppers... and when you're way up on your upppers the music will carry you back down to the even levels of mediocrity which will soon be elevated back up by the music... and you'll be stuck in some really really nice loop. Not if you're a robot though... you'll hate it then. If else if else if else if else if else....... Blam! And the sparks and circuits of your artificial head will splash to the floor... and of course a song like "Twilight Zone" will be playing in the background. Yeah this doesn't make any sense... but who cares. For all I know you're reading this while you're sleepwalking. Don't wake up though... I hear that's pretty bad for you. New cassette is on the way somehow... if not by magic then by something else. Bird.

heirhkugt

2009-11-28T00:14:00.000-08:00

I'm sure we'd all have extremely long hair if cutting it caused pain... well those cutter types would have short hair. Everybody else would have hair dragging on the floor or something. At least the streets will be cleaner that way. But since it doesn't hurt to cut your hair, having it short is one way to go. The others being bald, medium, and long... and probably something terrible. Like... wearing spaghetti and the top of a mop on your head. I remember my professor saying something about hair being as strong as something... I can't remember. It was either steel or bones. But it's really weak because the cross sectional area is so small. I don't know... I got a C in that class. Ask me about water... I'll give you the answer and have to go pee after a few questions.

So, I cut my hair today. I had too many weird spots where it stuck out. I either have more of those spots or I evened things out... I don't know. The virtual image of myself in the mirror looked like it was even. It even mimicked my every move then punched me in the nose... what a dick. It turned out to be somebody else that looked completely different, but I was fooled. Perhaps I've spent too much time watching cartoons, but I'm almost certain that you're the one that hasn't been watching enough.

3 hours

2009-11-23T23:33:00.000-08:00

I've been tired for the past 3 hours... why I'm not sleeping yet I don't know. I spent about an hour eating dinner... and another hour trying to figure out how to remap the calculator button on my keyboard to open up my music player. It works pretty well. For some reason I don't find using the mouse fun anymore. That leaves 1 hour free which I filled by trying to find the metaphoric hammer which will crack my skull open and let all the wonderful sounds in my head pour out like a great river. I would like any sounds that pour out to arrange itself in an ear pleasing manner. The strangest image dances around my mind now. Sound waves or notes or something with arms and legs all clamoring about to align themselves in the perfect order, but if that happens the credit will go to science or something.

This is the Song You Sing (and howl)
Written by: the guy who invented science and nature and the sine wave and those musical notes that put themselves in this order... now they're stuck in this order.
You're Stupider than Me Records

Being the psychic I am, the song will fail miserably but still manage to make its way on a late night television show about monsters terrorizing parked cars that they think are sleeping children... the picture was switched during their monster meeting which they ironically had under a child's bed.

Zip a Dee Doo Daaaaah!

Fart Amp

2009-11-20T00:15:00.000-08:00

I am having dreams where I'm playing the guitar... I'm fairly good in my dreams. Enough to catch a groove and have quite the rhythmic pattern going... It all revolves around the C chord too. So, I need to figure out just what I'm playing when I wake up. I forget what I play when I wake up.

It just got really cold for some reason. Some raisin.

Note to others. I believe Link Wray stabbed holes in the tweeter portion of his amp... the tweeter part. Most amps aren't broken down into those parts. So trying to get all Dave Davies/Link Wray on your speaker cone may or may not make it sound like a fart when you play bass notes... my amp that I went all Dave Davies/Link Wray on sounds like a fart when I play bass notes. I wouldn't be saying it if it weren't true... hold on... wouldn't weren't... yeah. So I would be saying it if it were true.

Oh. And I'm sure she was supposed to be wearing pants... but she wasn't. It looked a bit odd.

Sunday Morning

2009-11-15T01:49:00.000-08:00

The lack of fireworks in the sky on the drive home was a bit of a downer to a somewhat.... extremely somewhat good night. I guess I can't blame Mr. Mouse for not shooting a few rockets up into the sky at !:00am... capital 1 is not 1 apparently. So, aside from the fact that I knew one person coming into it probably contributed to it... but that one person is a good person. Aaaaaaand... she now owns a Burger Records bag. Siiii==ooooooooooooooooooo...... those were o's... If she uses it, perhaps it'll bring in a few customers to an already great establishment... You! Person who's reading this.... go here:

Burger Records

Make a few clicks and buy some of their stuff... it's very good. If you don't find it good... then you can go down to the Burger store in Fullerton and find something you like. I found Darklands and Psychocandy by the JAMC. This is stuff I couldn't find anywhere and the prices on eBay were slightly more than I'd like to spend. Psychocandy is especially interesting since the vinyl is super thick. You know how Captain America has that shield of his? I think this record is just as tough... if not stronger....... strongaaaaarrrr... I don't represent Burger nor do I speak for them... I'm just a fan of music and the same fans who admire a fine beat and a fitting tone. Again... I don't speak for them.. If they let me speak for them, they'd be in trouble... possibly with the Chinese government too. I don't think they allow hamburgers to be sold in China or something. I also do not speak for Chinese people. I can only speak for myself and maybe that one guy who thought I had something to say... but I really didn't at the time.

...That's when I realized "Sunday Morning" was playing on the drive home. So it all works out. Sunday morning. Early dawning.

I've got a feeling I don't want to know.

The Bootleg Series

2009-11-14T03:09:00.000-08:00

I guess every band needs a bootlegger... but I don't know if I should release it because my bootleg that I recorded on my phone sounds like ass.... several of them. It's not the band... it's the recording. If the band sucked it would sound like so much ass that you'd be up to your ass in ass. I need a thesaurus... but if I look up ass I don't think I'd get anything.

I don't know where the wire is to hook up my phone to my computer... so I will withhold on the whole computer magic thing and close my eyes for a few hours... possibly more.

Good night.

"Sweet dreams please"

D'Addario strings

2009-11-11T01:33:00.000-08:00

I'm sure there's somebody out there that swears by D'Addario strings. Well, I tried them out... and they're ass. They feel like ass when you play them and they crack and break like ass too. Seriously, I was down tuning my guitar and it snapped. How does that even happen? And don't you dare say "fatigue failure" because I'll call you a nerd faster than you can say, "ASS!" (just drag out the sssssssss...). And no, I wasn't turning the tuning knob the wrong way... I've made that mistake before and learned from it. Also, I was tuning the guitar in a well lit room... not in the dark like the other time I broke a guitar string. I grabbed the wrong knob. [insert inappropriate joke here].

So I will no longer use D'Addario strings, unless they somehow freely appear before me. Just like the set of free strings some person will receive from me... because I know somebody out there loves D'Addario strings... but really. More durable than Ernie Balls my ass... sure are a lot of asses in this one... ass!

Sweet dreams please. Good night.